smiling

its day two now and i can't believe i am still a tad bit upset. despite all my efforts not to think about what transpired last sunday, i still find myself going over the events. forward, backward, then forward again, like watching a movie with remote control at hand. it's seriously tiring but i somehow cannot get myself to stop. will try to preoccupy myself with tasks, hopefully this will free me from this rather pathetic inertia.

****

i found myself seemingly not myself today. i was functioning yet i didn't feel like i was really there. i felt detached, distant, almost like having an out-of-body experience. the day was still early but i was already fatigued like i haven't had sleep in weeks. my movement was heavy and everything just felt awkward. driving was also particularly taxing to the point that i got myself clipped by a truck but never really bothered to see what the damage was. i simply drove off and proceeded with my day.

there was no emotions today, not happiness, not anger, not even sadness. all i felt was a void actually, a lingering nothingness where something that once made me tick, well, used to be. to be honest, the only concrete feeling i had this entire day was the feeling of hunger. i was hunting the grounds of glorietta and SM for something and wouldn't allow myself to stop for lunch. i swear my innards were already liquefying from my stomach acids but i just wouldn't quit. to the point that my stubborness won and the pain eventually subsided. i did eat however a few minutes later. spicy tuna sashimi and really bad beef curry. neither my stomach nor i were impressed.

not soon after i was on the road again. went to my construction site to check on things. they were pouring in concrete today for the building's foundations. the sky was gloomy and it started to rain.... it started to rain really hard. my nonchalance couldn't have come at a worse time, i said to myself, which i also texted mark about. here i was, stranded out in the rain, at a construction site... surrounded by half naked bronzen construction workers.... all dripping wet.... sigh.... what is a gay man to do?

God certainly was trying His best to cheer me up.

****

food and friends, what can be a better combination? i tried to count my blessings over the past few days, just to make myself realize, truly, that i do have everything i need to be happy. probably one of the best that i have are memories shared with friends over a good plate (or plates) of food. i recall richie and our heart to heart over breakfast at delifrance on salcedo about my role in life and what the future holds for me. i recall having a blast with macoi and melloida at fu kui, this chinese resto, and how these two clowns lambasted the mainland accent. i recall home cooked adobo with vikki in our small flat in dubai while we ate at the floor, too poor to afford furniture. i remember leni and her crispy corned beef and how it made me cry. i recall fran and the entire gang being balled over by her excellent thai cooking, despite her being swiss. i recall my brother, laughing his head off while we shared a bottle of rose wine. i recall making sweet cous cous for ozgur and how he finished it all, despite the fact that he is not fond of sweet food. i recall rosemary and surya while gorging over some hot steamy masala. i recall meyer and starbucks one rainy night along banaue. i recall mark and his fascination with a pink colored quek quek.... which eventually led to what transpired on sunday.

food and friends.... damn. i sure have loads of memories with them. funny. i can't seem to remember any with you. hahahahahaha!!!!

OK, i'm SOOOOO better now!