mortality

"you should have more faith ma. look at sister liu, putting around like it's any ordinary day. she has stage 4 lung cancer ma, and radiation everyday. you should take her as your role model."

"but i don't have enough faith. i have very little."

"oh ma, between you and the rest of this family, i believe you have the most. don't worry, just think of it as just a normal procedure. nothing to worry about. you've done i before anyways so no more surprises."

"i'm just scared they might find something."

"no need to think like that, ma. you'll be fine."

i stood at the head of her bed as the doctors sedated her. her jaw trembled, then eventually fell still. i took a step back and sat on the chair the doctors provided for me, as they moved in to perform the procedure. i kept my gaze on the screen, unfazed at first. then, i felt the feeling inside my gut slowly creeping up. there was no need to keep a brave face since she was asleep now, she won't see me. i can now allow myself to fear.

she woke up a few minutes later after the procedure. i came up to her bedside and held her frail arm. i felt her sallow, thin skin under my calloused fingers. how loose the are now and cool to touch. i then gave her a faint smile and started to recount the events that transpired while she was asleep. she gazed back at me and nodded in agreement with my report then rested again. the sedative hasn't fully worn off yet.

we took separate rides home. she went with dad while i went off to check out one of my sites. the drive was strangely quiet. strange since i was already playing my house music at full volume.