Wednesday, September 29, 2010


i could be loosing my touch. either that, or i could be just realizing that i have been sustaining myself with only the dredges of what used to be there. funny how the events led to this realization, here i thought i was the "helper", helping my friend thru a touch patch, when in truth, i was the one who was helped by being exposed of how lacking i truly am.

i sometimes stare at myself in the mirror, often late at night, studying my body. i try to recall how i looked before and how i felt back then when i looked the way i looked. i would then remember and look at my body now for how it is, how much thinner i am now, how much more chiseled, muscular, lean, how taller i now look and how much better i carry myself... that is, until i see pass the illusion and see that i haven't changed as much as i originally thought.

i am finding myself growing steadily curious of a few people, maybe because of how they have stayed anonymous and therefore, mysterious. people like MANECH, whose writing and persona reminds me so much of VICTOR GREGOR for some reason. then there is also THE FICKLE CATTLE, and how easily words flow out of him. there's also JOHNNY CURSIVE, particularly since he draws extremely well. part of me wants to know these people even more, though part of me wants to stay away as well. it's been a long time since my genuine curiosity has been aroused. it would be nice to sustain it for a bit longer.

a good friend, chris, commented on how different my writing was during my birthday. i must admit, it was rather raw and very unlike me to publish something that hasn't been thought over a billion times. then again, writing that way felt good in a sense. sometimes, when we edit our thoughts too much, we edit reality as well.

i found myself looking at a cute guy last sunday, while at the mall. what kept my attention at him though was him playing with his beautiful daughter. i wonder then, will i ever have a family of my own? will be a good husband if i were to be married? will i be a good provider, a good father, a good mentor, a loving spouse... ah, a new year older, a new set of questions now.

i could be loosing my touch... either that, or i am now at a point in my life when i no longer feel that i have already let go.

Monday, September 27, 2010

impressions over a weekend

that spas will always be sites for cruising, despite how family-oriented the place may be. eyes will always wander, and for some people, feet too. it's already embarrassing enough to have advances be rejected, but to have it escalated that people needed to be escorted out, interrogated and most probably, blacklisted from the establishment, just because they could not keep their eager appendages to themselves, is just too sad. even the gays looked down on it, as one older queen said "madami namang ibang lugar dyan, dito ka pa nanlalandi".

a 200 peso tip is not necessary if something expected is done right. it is, however, almost too little if something is done exceedingly well. my masseur, Jess, whom i am shamelessly plugging, knows his stuff. being a therapist myself, i often find myself scrutinizing the technique of whoever handles me, even evaluating their enthusiasm in their work. Jess, however, from the first time he handled me, was different and had always been different from the rest. quality of work like that should not be left unrewarded.

dimples always catch my attention, that and a beautiful smile. i spotted you as you were walking down the driveway, despite the fact that you and your friend were shrouded by the corridor shadow. i hate it that i could not recall your name (hence, no way to check your facebook, hehehe). you are quite definitely good eye candy.

i have a new found respect for someone. i did not come about it because of the things that he does, but because of how his people treat and stay loyal to him. your passion is admirable.

it is a blessing to be able to share something precious to a friend. i may have only so few, and among those few, fewer that is of value. but to be able to offer the best that is of me, that little that i foolishly had failed to nurture, that little faith i have, was a glory to me. i hope it would be help to you too.

boy of little impression, i hope your eavesdropping would help you rekindle something that you lost a long time ago.

tight shirt buttons and drunken fingers from a disinhibited admirer can be an awkward combination.

a kiss in the cheek was all i got, that and long, warm, and pleasant hugs. it would have been nice to have gotten more than what was offered. it would have been nice if i asked for more from what was given, but i did not. i don't think i should make room to complicate things further. things are already cumbersome as it is.

israel is hilarious, to say the least, inebriated or sober. 

interlocking fingers, i had thought, would make me feel something again, but it did not. i seem to be loosing my touch. nothing felt the same that entire night.

large crowds always leave me feeling drained.

skipping church, despite how i lack sleep, should never be an option. i wouldn't know how life would be for me now, and the many years to come if i did so yesterday and did not hear what i heard. never belittle opportunity.

my barber, tata, is by far, a perfectionist. he is also very nice to look at as he studies your hair and your head.

shoe salesmen are fun to talk to. they are also funny to look at as they fight with each other as to which sells the better shoe.

i love to smile and greet sales people back. courtesy should always be returned. i can only imagine how awful it must feel to be treated as if you don't exist.

you can get away with a lot of things as long as you remain pleasant. throwing an attitude will never get you complimented.

popcorn and chocolate tastes weird. caramelized popcorn with chocolate is even weirder.

fatigue, dry eyes, mismatched interiors and sensory overloading turn me obnoxious.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

i think i know what's happening

can't seem to wake up early.
chronically depressed.
sudden voracious appetite.
lethargic most of the day.
lower body temperature despite activity.

my body is gearing for HIBERNATION!!!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

the recovery

i recall, many years ago when i was still in college, my psychiatry professor discussing about depression. he said, we all suffer from some form of depression at some point in our lives, however, what makes our occasional sadness or mood swings different from pathologic depression is that the latter interferes with normal daily life. he said this would a commanding tone to his voice, something that immediately made the entire class quiet to a faint hush, after which, he shifted to his usual crazed antics by demonstrating the weird behaviors of patients suffering from schizophrenia.

i sometimes wonder, it must be a blessing to be gifted with a will like mine. it's almost a sort of inner stubborness i have developed, set to ward off thoughts and ill-conceptions that have frequented my troubled mine through many years. i have never really realized it, until just recently how fortunate i am to have one, since, it would have been just too easy for me to succumb... if i had allowed myself to.

pathologic depression, like what a friend of mine is currently going through, would have her lie sleepless at night, her mind racing in the dark, bombarding her with thoughts upon thoughts, fears and demons and random ramblings, she, incapable of silencing them herself without the help of a sedative. waking up in the morning is hard to do as well. your entire world seem to be imploding and there is no way out. either you cant find it, or you won't take it. its a horrible feeling, trapped within an invisible cage, drowning in a soup of chaos while lost in a world of normalcy. you perceive malevolent undertones in peoples voices, a superimposed hatred in all their good intentions, slowly, steadily, weighing you down as you struggle to move on from day to day....

i find myself waking up not wanting to, ironically, an inner emptiness keeps me heavy. but then, my force of habit kicks in, and i prop myself up, because that is what i do every morning. grim thoughts zip through my head many times, how my life feels meaningless and how it bores me, then, i think of all the things i would leave behind and worry, who will finish them. more so, it irks me that i would have to trouble people to finish what i had started. my sense of duty to my job wins every time. i can't even consider suicide. i am a coward in that respect. then the overwhelming melancholy engulfs me. this, by far is the hardest to overcome. compacted, almost solid, i push through this wall, just hoping to get through to the other side. funny how extreme sadness changes how the world looks. everything looks like they are coated with a glaze, shiny and bright, pleasant as it may seem, the glaze also emphasizes all its imperfections, and you see crack and fissures. flaws in their characters. it cuts and it bruises, and in your already weakened state, you prepare to give up. then i remember the pain i have when i run marathons. i remember the excruciating spasm and cramps i would have, as if bone is breaking, as if muscles is being ripped from my leg, and yet, i still force myself to limp forward, taking occasional walking breaks, just so that i can cross the finish line, even in the least definition of running.

trudging through this wall is a marathon of my soul. i am limping. i am cramping. i am seizing in pain. but i am still trudging, because stopping and giving up doesnt seem to be an option i consider, because, i am blessed to be stubborn that way.

thank you my Lord. thank you very very very much.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

tuesday afternoon

i arrived at the coffee shop just in time, a few hours prior to my meeting. a few hours, just enough time for me to adjust, to rest, to unwind, to rewind, and hopefully, to get inspired again.

watching people pass by the large windows, walking past the shop's tall mullions, almost made it took like i was viewing a zootrope, a very large one at that. i was trying to daydream again, something i haven't done in a long time, but sadly, all i could do was stare blankly outside, my brain refusing to let go of reality. i turned back onto my papers, now bloodied in red ink as i had been drawing line on top of lines, hoping to score just the right one, hoping, with some luck, i would be satisfied.

i wonder if she'll like it. i wonder if she'll feel disappointed. i was thinking of my meeting later, my client being the manager that she is. a lot rested on this project going smoothly, part was my reputation, part was the reputation of other people. this probably explained the pressure i felt i was in, undue to a great degree, but i still have to unlearn how NOT to overdo things. wandering thoughts would distract me from an impending anxiety attack. random thoughts, for once, were very welcomed.

josef and alfonso dropped by, knowing that i was in the area. seeing them was genuinely uplifting. they made me smile, almost by reflex. i missed that as well, uncomplicated gestures of simple pleasures. we talked for a while, partly catching up since i haven't seen them in such a long time. partly, for me, just enjoying their company and feeling less being alone with just my work. we spoke about work and how we could escape it, even for just a moment. Sagada came up, and i offered them my experiences of the place. told them to ride "top-side" as the jeep meanders through the cliff face. scary shit, but nothing can replace the experience and the breath-taking view. we talked some more, our voices mixed with giggles and silence, eventually, the silence won over and it was time for them to go.

there weren't so many people passing outside the large windows of the coffee shop now, the streets were just filling up with cars. joel passed by soon after that, but my brain was already bracing for the meeting that was drawing near. i was present, yet i was absent as well, and could not be as engaging as i had wanted. my apologies, joel. coffee's on me next time we meet.

my contractors arrived finally. joel took his exit. i briefed them of the scope and perused through the contract, just to make sure all was in order. i packed up my bag and led them upstairs to my client's office.

the meeting went well. they often always do. i just wish i would remember this, next time i prepare for another meeting.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

no longer said in hushed tones

don't you feel it's tiring sometimes, when you have to constantly check yourself, even twice over, always trying to make sure that everything you say, everything you do, even everything you think, has to be proper, right and considerate? i don't know about you, but this has been a habit of mine for as long as i can remember. well, not really, maybe just as far back as the last sermon i got from my parents or my brother about being more courteous, more cautious, or more mindful, or more tactful of my actions. a good reputation is hard to build and harder to keep with people always more than eager to nit-pick on whatever weakness they can get their claws on. this being so, sometimes, it is better to be immobile, indifferent, unopinionated, callous, dumb, blind, deaf, rather than risk being troubled by what could have just been honest observations.

but people cannot always be quiet. i cannot always be quiet.

maybe i should start unlearning.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


i'm still feeling that need to make my "birthday" feel extra special, resistant to the fact that it felt just like any other day. however, despite my efforts, i can't seem to break through how uneventful its turning out. even my day-after felt depressingly unremarkable, besides having a lunch-gift-date with joel and dan (thank you, mader).

could this be because i am older, too old to feel the novelty of having a birthday? or maybe i simply just lost it already, whatever it is that you're suppose to have to make you birthdate feel extra special?

i spent most of my entire day replying to greetings, a task i found utterly humbling since, never did i expect i would get so much. what made me feel extra grateful was receiving two calls, one from turkey, another from india, both from beloved friends.

birthdays for me used to be used for introspection, for self-assessment of the year that was, in hopes that i be able to gauge how far i have come and how far i still have to go. this year, i don't really feel i have gone that far. i also don't know how much i still have to go. there are tell-tale signs that something is brewing, somewhere. that would probably explain why i fell rather off lately. almost as if im bracing for impact. i can't seem to experience any emotion right now. it sucks really. everything tastes and feels utterly bland.

i'm hoping the coming days would prove to be more revealing. i hope things would finally be clearer and that i would be able to feel again, other than this "limbo" that i seem to be in right now.

took an emotional exam last night... a shrink confirms that i'm an intuitive empath alright. why i'm writing about it, i have absolutely no idea.

things really haven't been make much sense to me lately.

Friday, September 10, 2010

the morning after

the morning after...

i am a year and a day older.
i am hoping i am wiser.
i hope i am sharper.
i wish i could be happier.
i miss feeling secure in myself.
i longed to feel connected.
i wish i did not dissociate myself last night.
i wonder why i felt out of place.
i agree that Red said that he is socially inept.
i think Red should just learn to think beyond himself, to cure his ineptitude.
i think Red should stop focusing on (subconsciously) trying to prove himself to others.
i think Christian is casually charming.
i think Christian is smarter than how he presents himself to be... terribly smart.
i am surprised to learn that people find me intimidating.
i agree that Marc does look like enchong dee, only slightly darker and not as tall.
i am very intrigued with Marc's ear ornament, but i neglected to ask him about it last night.
i am acknowledging how beautiful Josh's skin is, how deep his crow's feet are when he smiles, and how magnetic is his smile. it explains a lot why people are drawn to him.
i think my attraction to Josh is because i can't seem to demystify his appeal. i still think it's the unibrow tho.
i am still emotionally detached with Patrick. part of me just doesn't trust him anymore.
i miss the ideals of being a young man, like Dan.
i don't miss however, the conflicts inexperience offers, like that of Dan's.
i miss innocence. 
i find myself on a slow watz with all my fears in life. i just hope my deep respect for them doesn't bite me back later on.
i wonder why Brian doesn't make any impression on me. i almost forgot about him while writing this post.
i am surprised how people can be independent of the good opinion of others.
i just realized how soft Gibb's skin is.
i think Jonas is quite good looking.
i realized that Lance is bow-legged, hence the unusual gait, almost like wearing heels, as someone pointed out last night.
i found i was struggling to stay connected last night.
i find it strange that i don't feel my birthday is relevant to me anymore.

i am still thankful though for everything.
there is a purpose for all of this.

i will find it.

Monday, September 6, 2010

point blank


am i regretful? i am not.
am i still hopeful to reunite? no i am not.
am i ready to move on? i already have.
have i forgotten him that quickly? i think of him everyday still.
do i have any resentment against him? none whatsoever.
why don't i want things to be ok with him again? because it wouldn't work anymore.
are you that sure? yes. i am.
are you willing to see other people? not yet.
so what do you intend to do now? what i always do, live normally.
you still feel like you're in a funk, what gives? it takes a while to regain the part that you gave away.
you're not in this asking for sympathy? apparently, i'm unsympathetic.
you're bitter? i'm more sarcastic. it's a defense mechanism to lighten the pain.
so you're pained? not so much anymore.
so why still dwell on this topic? because, despite how robotic my life is, it help to remind myself that i am, human still.

do you think you'll ever love again? love is such a strange word for me now... only time will tell if i ever reach that point.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

no to drama

"say no to drama", that should be my mantra. i was feeling rather dejected yesterday, despite having convinced myself that i really shouldn't since there REALLY wasn't anything wrong. i had everything i needed, i was well supported, i wasn't flooded with work, and despite how recent events turned out, things are working out for the good. that all said however, it seemed that i still could not get myself out of my funk. i wasn't necessarily sad, bu i wasn't happy and cheerful either, unlike how i was before. makes me wonder now, was i genuinely happier before even if i technically was emotionally detached? OR, am i just punishing myself for another failed attempt at a relationship, being the masochistic person that i sometimes am?

kuya once told me i'm a drama queen, that i draw from whatever unpleasantness that happens in my life, big or small, and use it fuel my warped sense of validation. i have to feel sorry for myself to make me feel good, was his analysis. funny how my brother and i communicate, noh? then again, he feels with his mind too.

"say no to drama". i'm saying it again. i guess i'm a bit hung over with the fact that i don't have another person to focus my attention to anymore, and get attention back. i'm actually missing feeling intimate with a person, nothing sexual, trust me, but more of being able to open myself to a person and just allow myself to be. i'm always guarded, always restrained, always controlled. it gets exhausting but i can't help it... i'm anal that way (wholesome thoughts, people!!!) so to be able to let it all go, even if just briefly feels like a much-needed vacation. one reason probably why i still think of M, then again, he could have been anyone... which was why i decided to stop dating him, because he could have been anyone.

i'm trying to find my center again. tried praying about it, tried asking God "what now?" so far, no replay yet. will try asking again later. He must be busy fixing the repercussions of last monday's blunder. i forget, MADAMING MADAMING CHINESE PALA SA MUNDO. nyehehehehe....