small things

details. they say that you will eventually find God in them. that in His vast greatness and multifariousness, it is strangely yet ever so sweetly ironic that you learn to appreciate Him in the most minute of things. the curl of a lip, the texture of a thumbnail, the cleft on a nose, the slant of the eye, the shape of a chin, the smile, the grin, the gaze, the beating silence that exists between two people screaming inside.

i have often wondered why it is that i notice these things, more so, find significance in them rather that the more overt displays that we humans are so keen to do. considering how much more effort one has to exercise to process these many minuscule accounts, surely, i would sometimes think, surely there is something more to these things than them just being mere incidentals, by-products of the lives we lead.

maybe i just like to be difficult, and add a few more layers to the abundantly complex life i already lead.

maybe i just like to be different, and do things others don't do, even if it's utterly unnecessary.

but as i spot and observe the million and one small slivers that we humans unconsciously give out amidst the gamut that is our gross actions. as i sense and feel and realize and appreciate the small things that i do see, i cannot help it but feel glad that i do, for in learning to acknowledge what people often do not pay much attention to, you learn many things people also do not know:

like how a brush of the knee can be excruciating and yet, euphoric;

like how a hug can send you to heaven and then to hell at the same time.

* * * * *

amidst a tumultuous sea of uncertainties, finding this one nugget of truth in all of it was truly worth the arduous swim.

the weekend past

two days of no internet at home can drive someone insane... and fat, that was what my theorizing brain is currently formulating. restless waiting, agitated rummaging, pacing the house, grazing, fridge opening, grazing some more, and finally, indiscriminate devouring. those were pretty much the activities of my weekend, thanks to a failed internet connection by my very reliable (and over priced) internet provider. i was already close to screaming my head off this morning to the unlucky operator who would answer my very irate call when all of the sudden, my twitter gave out a beep... darn. internet is back on i guess, and just when i was just itching to be evil this monday morning.

anyway, discoveries during the weekend. surprisingly, not until you take something away, do you realize how many more other things there is to do to pass the time. going out this weekend was out of the question for me, for reasons too personal and too emotionally laden to write about, so that's out of the picture. um..., i ran again sunday morning at the Fort. i realized it has been a week since i last ran and that i have 1 more week to go before the Timex run, so i had to train for that. i haven't read a book in a long time, so i am now starting to read this new Dan Brown novel, The Lost Symbol. i also found out that i haven't been watching TV in a long while. the shows currently on bore me to death and since we don't get the discovery channel, there doesn't seem to be anything mind stimulating enough to see. i usually end up watching CNN or if i'm lucky, catch a BBC documentary.

tried text messages as well, hoping to strike some decent conversation. however, i can't really say that endeavor was successful. besides kinky responses, nothing much proved to be worth the peso i spend. don't get me wrong, i don't mind the responses, it's only that it was not what i needed. there will be time for that eventually... er, i hope.

sigh... what a wasted weekend.

i also realized. i need to update my wardrobe. all my clothes are so ill fitting now.

the willow

the willow - study

will be inking this tonight. been working on it, on and off, for almost a week now. i needed the distraction.

this made my day

you all know russel right???!!!!

bwahahahaha!!! i LOVE IT!!!!!

thanks narnian for posting this link....

the catalyst

it started with a change of plans, rather minor if you really think about it, and very manageable. simply shift this day to that, move this schedule to there, inform some people here that you can't make the appointment anymore and inform others there that your day suddenly had a vacancy. see... minor. but no. it did not feel simple to me at all. in fact, this rather small matter left me ruined. don't let me even bother mentioning what it did to my day. blame it on the indiscriminate hatred that suddenly found itself surging up out of me, triggered by what may have seemed to be a very benign act, but then, so is pulling the pin off a grenade.

a few very heavy messages to someone vacationing in another country later and several pounds worth of sweat in the gym, i find myself so-so sane again. i was ok enough to look at the people involved in the eye and not want to have all ties with them severed. but then, that lingering feeling, those ugly residue of unresolved emotion still sends a bitter aftertaste to my tongue.

"how inconsiderate!" "how presumptuous!" i wanted to unshackle myself already of this lot, of all this and yet, i find myself tightly bound to my predicament. there felt no way to get myself out of it, which i guess added more to the frustration. i felt cornered and every intrusion to what little sacred, personal space i had left felt like a violent invasion, to be met by an equally violent counter attack.

i did this to myself, or to a lesser degree, allowed it to happen to myself for no one treats you a certain way unless you let them. all it takes then to remedy this was to train them to treat me differently. easier said than done i'm afraid. when one's obligation becomes one's sole purpose, and other people's value becomes more than one's own, how do you change without destroying what has been your entire life, more so, the lives of others?

* * * * *

an unassuming apple dropped into a still pond. the ripples it caused spreads out evenly across the silvery pool, kissing the awaiting banks. it dropped slowly through the murky depths, sinking slowly pass visions and dreams and wants and wills, pass thoughts and fears and piercing eyes and sharpened ears. pass it all until it finally found itself on the silted floor, disturbing the peace and, beholding the deafening silence within.

abnormally normal

"why do you find my life so interesting?" i asked a friend last night.

"kasi iba kang magisip." he replied.

__________

i recall one conversation i had with a friend, back when i was in high school, about how i should conduct myself in the world. i know, it's quite a strange question posed at such a young age but considering my background and my upbringing, presentation, rather, testimony, is something we are made conscious of very early on. my friend then told me, be normal among the abnormal. of course back then, i had no idea what "normal" was, more so, what was "abnormal". it wasn't really as simple as good or bad, tact versus rude, proper versus improper. i think my friend knew i too didn't know what to do with what he said but expected that i would eventually learn and discern along the way.

* * * * *

"but you're nothing like the normal PLU", mcvie once told me, while having casual chitchat over coffee one weekend evening. this was his conclusion i guess about how i didn't conform to the typical gay lifestyle that a lot of my friends have. though it is true that i don't really share delight in the same activities my friends have, i don't feel necessarily any different from them. i simply have a variation of preference, something all normal people have technically, gay or straight. i'm pretty sure there are those who share the same inclinations as i. however, if i were to consider what mcvie said and really do acknowledge my atypicalness... would that then make me abnormally gay, i.e., that i'm even possibly straight after all (OUCH. brain spasm...)

* * * * *

"did i change? i mean, after i came out, did i change?" i asked kuya one time. he said i did but not too much. he said i'm much louder, a bit more flamboyant than usual, and he blames that on the fact that maybe i find the behavior acceptable since i see this with the friends i keep. though my folks don't really object against the people i hang out with since i have assured them and have reassured them that i keep descent company, still on certain, very rare occasions, when i would decide to just let my hair down and allow circumstances to take me where ever, it would be the company that i keep that would be the first to get attacked. the "equally yoked" subject would then be brought up. trust is always a constant balancing act, always teetering on an unstable fulcrum. one minute things are fine, the next minute, you find yourself picking up shattered pieces and try to start from scratch again.
__________


" i told myself i would not change". i told my friend.

"being gay should not be all that defines me."

being gay, now that i think of it, never did.