i was walking to gym early this morning when i chanced upon a gridlock of jeepneys at my neighborhood intersection (yes, traffic jams do occur as early as 530am where i live, poor me). one of the jeepneys decided to park at the narrow, one lane street to wait for passengers, never minding the swelling growth of irate vehicles piling up behind him, blowing their horns like crazy, urging him to budge. since all the drivers in this country are opportunistic (including me, when the opportunity arises, of course), none of the irate motorists bothered to keep the intersection open, hence the gridlock. now, if this oblivious jeepney, who is the thrombus in this traffic blockade, just mindfully moved his vehicle a foot or two, then he would have opened up enough space for the motorists behind him to pass without him really loosing sight of potential passegenrs who, at 530am, would actually decide to ride, but no... he stood his ground. i didnt linger long enough to see how the situation resolved, but as i distanced myself from the inflaming scenario, i could hear rough shouting ensuing, my neighborhood has it limits for inconsiderate behavior too apparently.
as i walked further away, i heard a voice play in my head, and it sounded just like me, only angrier. i saw myself inside my car, immediately behind the said oblivious jeepney driver. i then found myself getting down and walking to the jeepney, grabbing the driver by the head and forcing him to turn his sight to the mess he has done. i then resulted to driving my car against the jeepneys bumper and pushing it forward. in the unfortunate but unavoidable event of violence erupting, i found myself ready for it, polar bears are the world's largest carnivores and we are highly protective in keeping that title.
i felt my heart racing as my imagination went bezerk with the images in my head. it was so vivid and so real that my muscles were tensing and sweat began to form on my brow. i shook the images off, hoping it would not escalate anymore and began to pray. the triumvirate were nowhere to be found, all three were silent for some reason. i wondered, do i now have a fourth in my head, the one to represent rage? i suddenly felt a tinge of sorrow in me, i always knew i had a temper but have been well enough to control it, but sadly so, lately, my irritability easily flares into full displays of rage, some that i even feel is so unlike me. i have never acted any of them out yet, but if my mind can now conceive it, then outward manifestations certainly cannot be far behind. i prayed again.
rage does not come out of nowhere, even though it may seem that way. it is a slow boil inside a pressure cooker, always starting out as a manageable simmer. i know because i have seen it before, and the prospects of behaving so uncontrollably, so violently frightened me to my core. i prayed again.
i often confess for my temper. i have confessed for anger, but not for rage, not for contempt, which fuels rage even more. to have a temper is normal, to get angry is too, but to allow both to root itself, unresolved and eventually influence my reality, thereby breeding contempt, that however is not, and i have to confess, i have allowed myself that, hence my rage.
i pray the Lord be kind, this is one serious matter i no longer can ignore.