Thursday, October 28, 2010

the greater gift

it was a lovely peace, a holy silence, though lost in a deluge of strong water, i was lifted up with the gladness of my heart. my lips trembled in silence, words daring not to utter, but a smile, a lone smile was enough to declare my fate. i have been found, and i did also find! i celebrated my Lord's greatness and His multifarious wisdom for how could it not be so, and how could my joy be contained? surrendering never felt so timely, presenting my gift and receiving the greater gift, the revelation of my soul's delight.

i have been astonished.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


i was waiting for it, water washing down from my nape, watching it create streams flowing down, following the contours of my body, cascading down towards the cold tiled floor. i followed my breathing, feeling the rise and fall of my shivering chest, listening as i sucked in volumes, only to relinquish them after a few moments hold. the thrashing sound of the water was deafening against the silence in my head. i was waiting for it, bracing myself for it, for that overwhelming emotion to engulf me again like it would always do, drowning me again in a disorientating whirlpool of fear and doubt and regret.. but there came none. there was none. there was only i, the water, the quiet calm, the sweet stream against my nape, and a growing gladness in my heart that came from a boy who was turning towards his God to praise Him.

i realized that God is truly a God of purpose. i know He was, but today, i realized He is, and i cannot help it but be thankful that i could appreciate all that He has done. words could not express. blogging about it cannot do it justice. my Lord is a patient farmer and i can only be blessed to be under His care.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


icarus 10/23/10

i was always amazed how classical painters were so detail-oriented as to capture even their subject's inhalation, how the belly would collapse and the muscles slacken as the ribs expanded and flared, gearing for that final plea for help. i have still a long way to go, more so learn to commit to just one solid line, but i guess, line on top of line, considering how many people view my work, i will leave it up to you to decide which variation of my subject's silhouette you will deem to be most appropriate.

this icarus is for you who planted the seed in my brain.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

skipping breakfast

i kinda skipped my morning quiet time today since i woke up a bit late. i felt a bit guilty that i once again pushed spiritual food aside in exchange for more worldly duties like work. God must be shaking his head at me again. ironic that this mornings message talked about how troubles come when we lack spiritual enjoyment, and here i was shoving it aside since i was running late, not even the least mindful of what my actions would cause me later on.

that little bit that i got this morning stayed with me though, during my drive to work. i was wondering how the troubles and problems in my life could have been caused by my lack of spiritual enjoyment. i then thought that, maybe, the problems had always been then, it was just that since my spiritual enjoyment got stunted, they seem to be more overwhelming. i think this is true, how these trials i go through seem to be trivial, despite their gravity, when i am enjoying my time with God. though God may not take them away (which happens), it doesn't matter since i am empowered to overcome.

i have to wake up earlier then, tomorrow. 730am wont do anymore :)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

ugly texts

i find i funny sometimes when i feel sad that i have nothing to blog. i never really was the type who likes to document every single thing that happens to my life, despite the many attempts before to start a journal. i didnt really understand, now that i think about it, why i even entertained the thought before. maybe because everyone seemed to have one back then, maybe i felt the value to being able to have proof that i lived, i thought and that i had opinions. i do, however, know that one of the reasons why i never followed through with keeping journals was because i hated how my penmanship looked. i hated how my cursive looked, more so my prints. they look so uneven and, well, poorly written. despite my mother admonishing me to keep practicing, which i did, and despite the VOLUMES of pages that i had already written, especially when i went to med school and had to transcribe lecture after lecture, my penmanship never improved. which now leads me to think, maybe why i continued on blogging is because i type instead of write. though im not really that thrilled with the limited amounts of fonts available with the templates, it sure beats seeing the chicken-scratching text that would be if i were to write my posts using a pen.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

delirious babble

it's an old new feeling, one that is very much still in the forming stages. the boundaries are still blurred, but the body, slowly substantiating. it elicits old reactions, of me thinking, wondering, trying to be cautious as i walk around this slowly developing entity, studying it with my most discerning eyes, trying my best to weigh whether or not i should let this continue or whether it would be better to simply just destroy it right now, despite its quasi-form.

here are the old reins again. slackened for now. i wonder would it be time to tie myself to them again, hold me down as i brace myself for another raging torrent, allow myself again this head spinning experience, or do i keep them away forever as i decide, enough is enough for games like this should never be played again. self doubt however would ask me, who says this is a game? then i find myself back again, walking in circles around this body, this emotion, this delusion, this illusion, of my possibly feeling again, of me possibly fooling myself that i am capable of doing it.

maybe, all of this is just the fever talking.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

polar attraction

do opposites really attract, and when they do, do they stay attached, like how atoms and magnets do?

i found myself questioning this adage this morning while on my walk to my gym. i was toying with the idea from the remnants of a conversation i had with a friend, about how his relationship began because of how different he was with his current beau. it got me thinking since, if i would describe all the people i found myself attracted to, they were essentially all similar to me. like attracting like, and the only thing that could pass as "opposite" would probably be physical attributes such as skin tone, height, race, etc. which then leads me to think some more, does that adage pertain to attraction only in the physical, superficial sense? or would it work with more intrinsic aspects such as personality, character and values?

i sometimes find myself frustrated, since, there would be moments when i would wish i could just let myself be content with the physicality of attraction. good looks, great smell, fabulous skin, etc. how i would sometimes wish mere appeal and that hotness factor would be enough, since, it seems that others can be ok with it and do look happy in their coupled bliss. but as i begin to walk that direction and attempt to educate myself in finding satisfaction with feasts for the eyes, my emotions would kick in, and it kicks hard. the disconnect with whoever it is that i am lusting over is more than enough to pull me away. it's a nauseating feeling, almost the same as what an acrophobe would feel when made to stand on the edge of a ledge. it weighs in my gut like a ton of bricks, and i become incapacitated. the beauty that i now behold gets glazed over, the supposedly bliss i am to allow myself, overwhelmed with disgust, a disgust toward myself, towards what i was giving up, towards what i am making myself become. i then find myself drawing away, excusing myself from the sorry situation i put myself under, made more shameful by dragging an innocent along.

yesterday, a pleasant acquaintance messaged me on twitter. our private conversation lasted pretty long, ending in that ever faithful question, "why am i still single?" sigh.

because i keep falling for the wrong people?

because the right person hasn't come along yet?

because God is testing my stamina and waiting for me to give up?

because, well... i really don't know.

Monday, October 4, 2010

the dream

the voice of the narrator faded into the background. i came to a few minutes later, the show i was watching on Discovery, over. i looked at the time, 11pm. i got myself a fresh shirt, turned the TV off then the lights.

i came to again, kuya was home and pacing about in the room, packing for his trip to cebu the following morning. i got up, looked at him in my stupor, then repositioned myself back on the indentation i had made on my mattress.

kuya turned on the lights. i woke up again. i could hear that he turned on the TV as well. he was watching Urban Zone. i could recognize Daphne Osena's voice but could not make of anything she was saying. i turned in my bed and buried my face into my pillow... then i began to dream, curiously, about watching Urban Zone. Daphne was doing her usual tours of spectacular homes and i was there, watching. it was a vivid dream, all up to the point wherein my reality popped in and i could no longer discern which was the dream, and which was real. i found myself face up again on my bed. kuya was still pacing about in the room, TV was still on.

i was about to walk out of the room this time, i think kuya was with me. as i opened the door to go outside into the corridor, kuya and i were immediately thrown back, swept off our feet and pinned against the ceiling. the force that was keeping us up grew stronger and heavier. i could not see it nor could feel whether we were being pushed onto or pulled into the ceiling. whatever it was, it felt undeniably evil, like of the worst kind. i could not hear it but there was a sinister laughter, faint but palpable. there was a growing panic in me. i could not sense my kuya beside me anymore. i was on my own, on the ceiling, held captive by a force i could not see.

part of me knew i was dreaming since i still could see myself on my bed. from the ceiling i could feel the bed, lying in the bed, my linens against my skin. i could see the flashing of the lights from the TV, like strobes in a dark room. i could hear Daphne's voice. i then could not sense my bed anymore as the feeling of floating and being pinned to the ceiling overwhelmed me. i felt the need to fight. almost like a reflex, i began to pray. i called onto the only name i knew that was powerful enough, and called it with all the conviction i could, wielding such a powerful name. opening my mouth was hard and at first, it came out as a whisper despite how i was screaming in my head. "LORD JESUS" i called. the laughter grew loud for a moment. "LORD JESUS" i called again, the laughter stopped, and the grip weakened a bit. "LORD JESUS" i called louder. my arms could now move. "LORD JESUS" i was shouting now, courage and rage surging in me. i was slowly descending to my bed. "LORD JESUS" my arms and my feet were now flaying at whatever it was that was handling me. "LORD JE-" i jolted myself awake. my kuya asked what was happening.

i turned to face the ceiling, the nightmare felt so real. everything about it felt so real. the laughter, that voice felt so real. the relinquishing of the hold and me dropping into my bed felt so real.

feeling ko mag-ghost hunt mamaya sa bahay.

humanda kayong mga manignong-kayo...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

my reaction

i should not have given heed to the temptation to pry, but such is a defect of mine, something that i really should continue to work on, something that other's should work on as well.

a dried scab should always be left alone, since picking on it never leads to anything good. so now, i ponder on this. should i react, despite the growing torrent of vile emotion i have within me to do so, despite how irrational, i know, it is? or should i do what i always do and process and edit and reconstruct and deny and repress and ignore and forget....

the drive this morning to makati was a noisy one, in my head that is. the urge to shout and scream and kick and throw a fit was strong, thankfully so, the previous night's activities had left me a bit sleep deprived, and thus, low in the necessary energy to get violent. like in a lot of things in my life, it seems, greater powers that be knew how to deal with me best. i am calmer now. i still itch to throw a nasty fit though, but then, what good would it do? what use would it be besides entertainment, maybe, for curious people, and food for their intentions... what ever they may be.

the drive this morning also was enlightening, i guess. the push of pent up emotion had to be weighed down by some serious thinking, most of which was a reassessment of things that had happened. why it happened, how it happened. thank goodness for my vivid memory. thank goodness for an even clearer emotional recollection. it was the slumber party. it all ended there. everything stopped there.

i had an entire post constructed in my head already, about all that had happened, detailed, supported by facts, interestingly, in reverse chronological order. from my last impression during the slumber party (even to the boxer shorts he wore) all the way back to the gentle message he left me on my already extinct social network account. i wanted to justify and validate myself and my current sentiments... but i think, i was just really wanting to feel more hatred for someone i already know i have no more feelings for.

so be it, and let things be.exist, like how we have always been. you be you. i be me.

find relevance in your endeavors. 

i will stop here.

baka may dumulas pa na salita. pagchismisan na naman ang buhay ng may buhay.