Friday, December 15, 2017

friday morning madness

Jump started my day with an early morning workout. I was hoping some high intensity strenuous activity would be just i needed to get my groove back as this used to work perfectly for me before. Needless to say, metcon over and i still found my self a bit groggy and lethargic. This considering i already had 2 cups of black coffee. Im giving the meds a few more days till i finish at least a weeks cycle. If things stay the way that they are, il ask my doc to adjust my dosage since being a walking zombie isnt really my thing. 

Doing site visits today, checking on the status of my projects, all of which are delayed. A part of me should be losing my cool already but somehow i feel rather indifferent. Again, could be the effects of the meds since its supposed to keep me relaxed. I am relaxed i guess but this level of nonchalance is a bit unusual. Again, il keep mental note of this and see how i adjust. 

Someone almost side swipped me this morning on my way to work. He suddenly swerved to my lane, almost pinning me to the curb, and without even apologizing my slowing down, sped off. Thank goodness for turbo engines. I quickly caught up to him and was inches away of smashing my car into his... my shiny, jumbo black SUV against his small puny sedan. As i inched closer to his side making sure he could hear my engines reving, he sheepishly gestured his apologies by waving his hand. I followed him for a good few kilometers after that just to really screw with his head that i was dead set at murder.... i eventually sped away and made my exit. 

Thursday, December 14, 2017

day 2

Day 2 of taking my meds and I’m quite happy to say sleep has been visiting me quite frequently now. I doze off into deep slumber, the type you fall into after a really long and tiring day. The kind where you would snoze loud enough to wake the neighbors... but of course, i dont have anyone near my room enough to vouch for that. The sleep is still kinda dreamless tho. I had wished that since the meds would help in my creativity, that it would usher me to part of my uncounsciousness where those dreams lie. Then again, it’s still day 2 anyway. More days to come so we’ll see what happens the next few days. 

Ive to admit, a bit of me feels sceptical on being medicated. Understandibly, there is a certain taboo to addressing mental health, expecially with more comservative backgrounds like mine. Im just i guess validating it as an experiment on myself. If it helps in my general well being, then good. If not then at least the prescription is only good for 1 month. 

I just really hope this will rekindly my gusto in life. I miss looking forward to the days ahead, whatever they may be. 

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

day 1

Day 1 of taking the meds and Im pretty sleepy the whole day. It’s supposed to reignite my creativity but so far, nothing significant has happened yet. Keeping my expectations low just so id notice the more acute effects of the meds, if any. 

Apart from the sleepiness, I somehow feel an overwhelming sense of lonliness and detachement, this despite the fact that im surrounded by people pretty much all the day. People zip pass me, even family and it almost feels like all this interaction are but phantoms, fleeting memories and imagining that I am alive but to a degree not really living.

Not even the feelings of love could make a dent. 

I have been pining over a certain person for a long time now. I show my concern. I express my feelings, discreetly. I sometimes imagine my intentions get reciprocated... by a touch, a hug, a sincere “thank you for being there”, an “ i think of you too”, but alas, my imaginations can only be so convincing. It cannot conspire with the universe to make my heart’s longings come to be. Maybe it is all for the best. Some of us are meant only to dream. My last love burned me greatly. Possibly because like moths, i am only destined to admire from afar, and never to venture too close to the fire. 

Monday, December 11, 2017

monday musings

Maybe it’s just because it’s a Monday, the most toxic day for the week for me, that I feel particularly alert today. Alert with a hint of anxiety and a dash or irritability, not the most ideal with the addition of the last 2, but it would have to do. 

Im scheduled to see my doctor in a bit. Haven’t told many of it but im having my head checked. Been feeling quite stuck in a funk for a good long while now and with mom’s condition being part of the mix, having something screwing with my mind doesnt sound to be the healthiest. So far, my doctor had given me the assignment of taking time off for myself. Recharge so to speak. I honestly dont know what that feels like anymore, genuinely. I mean i do have some me-time, but i dont know if i feel particularly recharged afterwards. Having me-time feels more like a task to fulfill and doing so gives me more a sense of fulfillment more than anything else. My doctor is suspecting however that doing so might unearth deeper, unresolved issues that I could not yet tap since i was tired and, for the most part, angry, most of the time. So far I am “happy” to say I dont feel as angry anymore, tho now with its absense, everything else just feels blah. Nothing exites me. Nothing feels new. Nothing feels interesting nor incites my curiosity. Blah. Not too sure if this is a point of concern. Hopefully my doctor can shed some light into it. 

Part of the assignment is also have some semblance of a social life... that maybe a whole other post since i would consider my social life quite complicated. 

Saturday, December 9, 2017

fading and failing

here's to another attempt to jump start my writing my thoughts out.

i sometimes wonder what had happened to me. there was a time i couldn't wait to get my thoughts out into readable words. i could literally see my posts in my head, obsess on how to break up the sentences, or if in the case of writing poetry, fidget with its cadence and rhyme, but not anymore. not anymore.

my thoughts now play out in scenes, and for some reason, words seem to fail them. they are a bundle of visuals packed with emotions, jumbled insights, fictitious conversations with apparitions half formed by a very confused, distracted, and tired brain. so tired that i can barely construct anything these days.

i chanced upon a video this morning about a forensic cleaner stumbling upon the copious journals of an elderly woman who passed away and whose body was only discovered 6 months after she had died. she lived alone and had no living kin or friends, hence no one even realized she had disappeared. her journals revealed an intelligent mind that lived a rich life, but onto her latter years, lived a life that was incredibly lonely. understandable, i thought. a reality i guess i am slowly entertaining in the back of my mind. i suddenly thought of my mom, how it must feel like to be trapped and slowly loosing your grip. mornings with her, as i struggle to feed her breakfast and witness her first re-acknowledgements of her illness, you see the fear in her expression, the brief panic and then a swell of hopelessness. it's a blessing in a way, her dementia, now. this fright that she feels will just last her a few moments, and then the gravity of her condition will eventually lift as she slowly forgets again and turn her attention to the half eaten breakfast in front of her.

it started with confusion, my mom's dementia. when her thoughts insidiously started to overlap and reality blur and words fell from their description. 


Friday, August 4, 2017

getting the juices flowing again, hopefully

It's been a few years since my last post and it seems I'm not the only one at that. This used to be a way fro me to vent out my inner frustrations, or just have a means of having a conversation with myself, strange as that may sound, or put to paper (in a sense) sudden sparks of inspiration. Lately, however, I don't think i have has as much time for that anymore.

Work. I have been it's bitch and it is one mean slave driver. On the occasions wherein I do have time to myself, churning out thoughts after my mind-numbing days is almost close to impossible. I am hoping though that I can start the habit again, journal-ing at least and maybe rekindle that internal dialogue I used to have with myself and have it materialize into full paragraphs.

So, let me begin but just a banal description of my day, in the 6 hours that I have been awake so far.

Stress has been creeping up on me again, ironically since I am 6 days away from my 2 week vacation. With the impending lull just over the horizon, my body seems to instinctively start to tense up with the thought of possible doom in the event of my absence. In truth, I really shouldn't be worried, however that is obviously easier said than done.

I spend a good few hours helping my mom look for stuff again. Again since I help her look for stuff almost everyday due to her dementia. I often dont mind but during times wherein I have a million things to do, helping her look for her keys for the nth time can really be testing. Apart from being her bloodhound, I had to go octopus mode again, following up with clients, thinking of what to cook (i am now the official cook at home) else my parents STARVE, while at the same time manage my day and try, earnestly, not to loose my mind. It is a blessing that I practice fasting as this affords my body ONE less thing to worry about, hunger. So far, 24hours with just coffee has done wonders for me as far as being efficient. Hopefully today will be another one of those days.