monday musings

Maybe it’s just because it’s a Monday, the most toxic day for the week for me, that I feel particularly alert today. Alert with a hint of anxiety and a dash or irritability, not the most ideal with the addition of the last 2, but it would have to do. 

Im scheduled to see my doctor in a bit. Haven’t told many of it but im having my head checked. Been feeling quite stuck in a funk for a good long while now and with mom’s condition being part of the mix, having something screwing with my mind doesnt sound to be the healthiest. So far, my doctor had given me the assignment of taking time off for myself. Recharge so to speak. I honestly dont know what that feels like anymore, genuinely. I mean i do have some me-time, but i dont know if i feel particularly recharged afterwards. Having me-time feels more like a task to fulfill and doing so gives me more a sense of fulfillment more than anything else. My doctor is suspecting however that doing so might unearth deeper, unresolved issues that I could not yet tap since i was tired and, for the most part, angry, most of the time. So far I am “happy” to say I dont feel as angry anymore, tho now with its absense, everything else just feels blah. Nothing exites me. Nothing feels new. Nothing feels interesting nor incites my curiosity. Blah. Not too sure if this is a point of concern. Hopefully my doctor can shed some light into it. 

Part of the assignment is also have some semblance of a social life... that maybe a whole other post since i would consider my social life quite complicated.