sudden death

A childhood friend of mine passed away suddenly today. He was barely 30. Took meds by mistake for his tonsillitis which unfortunately reacted fatally with his diabetes meds. He fell unconscious and in a matter of 2 days, he was gone. 

My mind can fully fathom the finiteness of mortality, but somehow, when people this close to you die, you find yourself seemingly left in suspension. You feel like falling but not feel your own weight. You see the impending ground before you but its presense seem to make no sense. Nothing makes sense. 

I tried to explain to mom today about what happened. She remembers vaguely my friend, a bit more about the parents, the gravity of the events however doesnt seem to grip her as much. Fragments escape her gradually and i am sure moments from now, she would have no memory of the incident anymore. 

I would like to say my heart aches for my friend, but it doesnt. I feel quite numb except for this unnerving feeling of uncertainty. I feel suddenly lonlier, more detached, more distant. I feel a sudden weight in my chest but not the same as that of grief, but more like the weight of fear, of anxiety, of a realization that maybe death is not too far, and that death doesnt feel like a fearful entity for me entirely.