Friday, February 24, 2012

Psalms 73

it wasn't the most ideal of dinners, nor the most ideal of meet ups I had with my beloved cousin. usually when we are together, one only has to count minutes before one of us, or both of us would burst out laughing, most often because one of us said something that cracked up the other. last night, however, was not one of those nights.

the air between us was palpably heavy already while we were in the car, on our way to dinner. i had invited him out, stealing as much bonding time I could with him while he's here on a working-vacation. things were brewing in our lives and I sorely missed how we used to volley our thoughts onto each other and supported each other on our times of trial.

he recently just got himself into a relationship, and from his accounts, the relationship is affecting him in more ways that he can and is willing to take. Not saying the girl is bad, I guess it's just the circumstances that this relationship is in that is making things trickier to handle, considering relationships are already tricky to begin with, especially during the starting months. it obviously weighed him down and i quickly noticed the difference in the tone of voice he had while telling me what has been happening. maybe its was the day's exhausting that kept me from acting out the clown in me, but i was quiet the entire time, desperately trying to listen and empathize with his story. for some reason i was finding it difficult to do so, partly i guess due to the swirling thought flooding my own head, added to the noise of the restaurant we were at.

i caught something from my cousin's tale, that he found himself at a point wherein he felt that God was so distant, and that it felt that God was making things even more difficult for him. that caught me quite off guard since between the two of us, my cousin is the more spiritual. despite being younger than me, i had often sought his counsel whenever i am plagued with spiritual dilemmas. i always felt he was more attuned to all things Godly and that i could always trust his advice. So imagine my surprise to hear this from him. as his words sunk into my heart, i gradually found myself becoming more emotional. something he said stirred something in me and i could not help but reflect on God.

a Christian's life is not a life that is deprived of life's hardships. more so, being a Christian even predisposes us to more trials, to more suffering, to more tribulations. some of it is to antagonize us for as Christians, we have become public enemy number 1, as far as the devil and this world is concerned. All our actions, our very existence is a curse and an insult to the devil's administration and he wastes no time or effort to make it clear that we are not welcomed. but some of the trials also come from God, or, even allowed by God, and often, these are the ones that are harder to handle. These are the ones that test you and prove you. they are the ones that strip you, and try your very constitution. to some, they are the cruelest, most vile, most painful experiences, like that of the life of Job. So why then stay as a Christian? so why then bother ourselves to be subject to so much pressure, and it coming from both sides? why then so, when it even feels that God is against us?... but is He, really?

Psalms 73 was my morning reading today and I was touched with what I read. The psalmist questioned God why his enemies and the wicked seem to prosper? why did they continue to grow richer, stronger? the more he considered, the more he was troubled, so he retreated to God's sanctuary where, in the Lord's presence, God showed him why. God desires that He alone be the source of our true enjoyment. He is the true might, the true treasure, the true life. He desires us to experience Him, in all that He is and be our eternal supply, but in order for Him to do so, we need to be stripped first of anything that will hinder His supply. a Christian's trials are our rehabilitation to bring us back into the true enjoyment of taking God as our all. God's enemies no longer have Him as their portion, hence they chase after the wind, but God takes care of those who seek Him, seeking Him with a pure heart. Paul, in the height of his own experiences, even in prison, even at the risk of death rejoiced in the Lord.

I don't think it's being optimistic. A Christian shouldn't just see life as being half full, instead, a Christian, experiencing all that God is, should always see life overflowing.

my cousin and i capped off the night in prayer. the drive back home was a quiet one last night, but the heavy air that was there a few hours ago was no more.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

An emotional week

I really think my hormones are shot! Either that or im an undiagnosed bipolar or something ( a bipolar polar bear... Who would have thunk?) but seriously, i really think there's something wrong with me this week, since i have been feeling rather emotional lately, more than the usual level of drama i have accustomed myself to be as normal. PMSing aside, my week hasnt been anything more than the usual. Same amount of work. Same amount of frustration. Same amount of stress. I really should be used to it by now, and for a greater part, i think i am. I can say i have already consoled myself with the fact that this is my job, i chose it and im really performing to the best that i can. If things still go wrong, then its beyond my control already and it should not always be my fault (since i have this bad habit of thinking that its always my fault) i do my job. I do the best as what im good at and try hard on the things that im not. That should be enough.... Any more and i wouldnt be fair to myself anymore. Wow... Talk about talking off topic. Nag-blog title pa ako, di ko naman sinunod. So, being emotional his week... I cried at church, without even thinking i would. I choked up while talking about something that would normally not affect me. Had a client meeting that afternoon, found my mood rather chipper, only to fall to a negative after the meeting ended. Food didnt even help to lift up my spirits. The fatigue of the following days was helpful since it distrcated me from feeling anything. My body just wanted to sleep, and then today happened. Wow. Some news at work that was, and now i find myself confronting the crossroads of either ignoring what im feeling and just work, or empower the bitch in me and, well, be a nasty prick. Patting myself on the back tho since its not often i find myself in such crossroads. My default mechanism usually means i morph into the bitch instantly, but now im aware of a choice. Its quite wonderful really, having a choice. Its empowering also that im not a puppet of my emotions anymore, well, not as much as i was used to.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The bitch is back, with duller talons hopefully

If this blog was a girl, we wouldnt be friends anymore. She would have left me and ran off with the next guy she spots since i have been neglecting her. Thank goodness that im gay, hence my blog must be too. Not that im saying a gay person would leave me if i neglected them this long as well. So THANK GOODNESS my blog isnt a person! Who cares if ive neglected writing this long. Heck, i have a perfect reason why, i have been living :) thats why. Hehehe. That and im trying my best not to complain too much anymore, since my love has been saying that a lot of my entries tend to lean more on the negative. Such is having someone else to share you life with, someone now can see your life from another vantage point, and he can make so much sense that you'll find yourself saying to the mopping cry-baby you have nurtured inside all these years and say.... HEY. THATS NOT THAT BAD OF AN IDEA! Il try that.... Then TADA! You realized you REALLY are this melodramatic asshole who just love the attention of being melodramatic, and doing so has prevented you from seeing all the beauty and marvels life really has to offer. Of course im not saying my views are always all that wrong. Of course i have my moments when i think im objective enuf to leave the drama at the door and see things for what they are. It in those time, however, that my love is the one being the melodramatic queen, and the roles get reverese. I then become the guy who slaps senses into him, or throw him a bucket of ice water, whichever is more fun :) Sigh, the bliss of having a partner. It drives you crazy sometimes, to the brinks of utter exhaustion, i must say, but when you finally find yourself running low on fuel and steam and are about to throw in the towel, love grips you and it grips you tight. Then only do you realize you cant let go. Love has taken its hold and BY GOLLY! That thing can cling!!! So my life, sans blogging, has been pretty much like this: the rollercoaster ride of existence, but now im riding in a car for two :) much more fun and much more screaming! Ask my love about our ride when we were in Singapore, priceless! Hahahaha