Thursday, April 30, 2009

a clear morning

he walked towards the direction of the grey horizons, towards the silvery sun as it slowly rose from its slumber, its color slowly burning into gold. i watched him from afar, this beautiful apparition, a hazy phantom, with the curiosity of a child. i exhaled as distance increased between us, my heart gave off a tender sigh as i tended a wound i had long thought had healed already.

he paused from his gentle move, as if hearing someone call out his name. he then turned and looked back at me, the sun forming him a spectacular halo, its bright glow beaming though his ghostly translucence. bathe in its blinding glare however, i could see his face and the look he threw at me. one need not have eyes to see for this was an expression i knew well, i felt well.

the sun ascended to finally take his place in his lofty throne. the azure skies now ablaze, his heavenly court crying aloud in great exaltation. my familiar phantom took not his kind stare from me. he lingered longer than he should, making fully sure that i will be fine. and as my expression finally began to mirror his, he broke his stance and continued to walk away towards the horizon. no words were ever shared between us, but words were never necessary.

the day was cool, the day was bright. i stood there and looked away towards the direction where he departed and smiled. in a very, very long time, i finally found myself take in a deep, sweet breath.

"o, zhu-ah, zhu-ah, gan shie ni."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


sabi ng akda ng librong binabasa ko, lahat daw ng tao ay tanga dahil pinipini nating habulin ang mga bagay na lubos na makakasakit sa atin. nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng libro at marami-rami na ring ang mga kataga na nakatawag sa aking pansin ngunit sadyang ang nauna pa rin ang ayaw akong lubayan. naka-relate ba siguro ako ng husto? ang pagiging tanga? ang paghahbol sa sakit?

i was chatting with a friend last night and was asked about my opinions on his current relationship. i couldn't be really honest with him at first since i felt that to comment on it would also mean that i had to point a finger (or two, or three) at myself. the very prospect of considering about my friend's circumstances was enough to send my overly sensitive conscience into hyperdrive. it had been silently waiting for me to give it the time of day, ever so vigilant still in its stand and never blinking, despite my stubbornness and countless attempts to ignore it and dismiss its arguments completely. last night, fatigued and sparked by the catalyst that was my friend's question, i found myself finally having that conversation my spirit had long and patiently been waiting for.

"why are you doing this?" it asked.

"i don't know." i answered.

"you do know what you are doing, right?"

"yes i do. and i also know what it can lead to. i know fully well."

"so why continue?"

"i don't know. this really has never happened before. i have tried quitting but i can't. i'm not strong enough."

"have you really tried? from how i see it, i haven't felt the force it would take to shake something like this off. it feels like you're holding on more than trying to let go."

"as i told you, i am not strong enough. please don't judge me. it's hard enough to bear this on my own."

"i cannot judge you. but i will not falter from my stance either. you put me here for a reason, and i will remain faithful to it... no matter how much you ignore me."

"i understand. thank you. i thought i was handling it well already. i thought it was dying. i thought...."

"you thought wrong. it never died. you just hid it. hiding, despite what you think, is not managing. embers, small as they are, can still cause fire, all you need is kindling. looking at your hiding place, there is enough back there to light up the sun! embers however are harmless if extinguished. you never really wanted them extinguished, did you?"

"i'm sorry. i really am. i am lost, and i feel i have exhausted all avenues to help myself."

"you always have a choice. you know what i am talking about. you just never wanted to take it."

"i loose everything if i do. everything! in my head, i know the path to glory, but i just am not brave enough to go that way. why can't i have both? i feel that it's just not fair. the price seems too high."

"everything has a price. everything requires a choice. you may choose to sit on this as long as you like but sooner or later, the choice still has to be made. time, despite how you may think, will also not make things better. this will not leave you. also, do not be mistaken that the price is too high. you know this is not about what you should give up but more on just giving it up."

"i'm being dealt with, aren't i? it's always that way whenever i find myself in these situations."

"perhaps. i only know what is revealed to me, and as far as the vision goes, i have presented it already to you, clearly."

"and i have seen it, felt it, bore it, already. i hate it. why me? why does it have to be me?"

"just because. the servant never questions the master. the finite, the infinite. simply know that your portion is unique. resurrection is an extremely rare gift. "

"what do i do now?"

"two roads diverge in a yellow wood, frost said that... you know this poem well, do you not?"

i nodded.

it smiled, turned its back then faded away.

"i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence
two roads diverged in a wood
and i took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


got this on facebook from the BFF in antalya :) super funny! i have to applaud the people who came up with this. it's INGENIOUS!!!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

jaded me

"ikaw ha, why are you so jaded?", exclaimed my friend as i gave him my honest opinion about his very recent, failed attempt of getting into a relationship. though i don't think i took the comment seriously, it did get me thinking whether or not there was truth in what my friend said, that indeed, i was jaded with matters of the heart.

my saturday night was spent in the emotional autopsy room, in the pathology wing of boni high-street, in the company of my love-lost friend, his loyal BFF and my favorite toilet, poi. it had been a long day and an even longer week but considering the prospects of meeting faces apart from those i share my work with, i surprisingly found reserved energy still in me to drive the distance to have a brief meal, and even share a sinful donut treat, capping my week off with something totally work non-related... ahhh.

the travails of my dear friend was a familiar story. so familiar that details of which need not be retold again since it is with absoluteness that i say, we all know how the story already goes. i guess it was my seeming impatience to consider the many maneuvers and convolutions of the failed relationship and how i had already made my conclusions on the matter that warranted my friend to label me as "jaded". actually, even his BFF, who agreed with most of my opinions, said it as well. which leads me to ask, am i then, really?

i should be careful not to dismiss such observations too quickly for everything deserves to have it's say. i digested the fact and took the idea into great consideration. part of my ego would scoff at such a notion, saying that i am actually quite a romantic, and a jaded romantic in existence is like saying there are also honest politicians about. though it would definitely serve me well to end the argument there and keep my pride intact, i however could not be appeased. i then thought maybe i was just learning to be a realist, even practical. surely my views on weighing the pros and cons of people and how they would fare when they collide can be deemed logical. there is a great sense made when one looks at people and predict their actions and reactions, almost with a level of certainly, backed by observations stored deep in my roladex of random info as reference, like variables in a chemical reaction. sometimes, with the correct components in the right proportions, in their right states, the reaction results in pure harmony... other times however, you stand back, button your coat, wear your goggles and prepare yourself for a show!

it is with my second rationale that i more likely related myself to. jaded? nah.... i was being practical. logical. SPACK-ish. i am, at the end of the day oriental and practicality runs in my veins.

hmmm, then again, the jade is also my people's national gem.

Friday, April 24, 2009

urban sirens

tiesto was blaring in the background. with each hypnotic beat, it seduces your body to succumb, to allow his tunes to possess you, control you like a puppet, to move you and make you forget. i soon found myself drowning in the sound, my senses overwhelmed by the sheer density of the song, reverberating, bouncing off hollow walls, echoing through empty chambers, vibrating every loose and willing object, slowly, steadily, forcefully towards the impending auditory climax.

even the intangible darkness could not overcome, relinquishing its deathly hold to slivers of silver light. they tore into the deep blanket of night, unapologetic, but stroked my face with utter tenderness, like gloves of exquisite velvet, woven in moonlight, worn by the fingers of the most delicate of mistresses. they caressed me unto my underlying nakedness, strumming even every fiber of my sentient being. it was rapturous beyond comprehension, to be present and yet lost at the same time. i was a helpless slave to an unknown master. my sense of self and control had been totally annihilated and i felt my consciousness wane, slowly slipping away.

there was a futile clamor that momentarily arose in me, a last ditch effort to put up a fight against this unknown oppressor but the war was lost and the victor was already claiming his prize. soon, as quickly as it came, the murmurings feel silent and i in turn feel as well, deep into the clutches of the one who had conquered me.

strangely upon victory however, tiesto began to fade. his trance inducing song slowly became more and more muffled till i could hear him no longer. time also began to stagger and eventually, began to slow down. the sensual efflurage of light was the only one that remained constant, its strokes however now became more dull for it seems, the dream that had ushered me into this unworldly state is now loosing rapidly its magical luster. it is also probably this slight break in the enchantment that whatever power that was still left within me decided to regain some form of control. in an instant, i opened my eyes to see what truly lied in front of me, and it was... the fast approaching sight of the concrete island as my car steadily sped towards it. i had fallen asleep while on the wheel. i woke up in the nick of time before something serious had happened.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

flossing my brain

i was flossing while in a public restroom yesterday. practicing oral hygiene in a rural mall is not necessarily the most exciting thing to do while waiting for one's bus to leave for the city, but one makes do with what one has. being a compulsive flosser and just having finished a lunch comprising of local delicacies such as bopis, sisig, kinunot na marlin, lechon paksiw and ginataang ube, you could only imagine the terrible itch i had that just needed scratching! though i really don't floss in public, i realized it would be a long while before i could find myself onto a decent sink, my site of choice for doing my deed. cleaning up in the public restroom would mean the difference between relief and HOURS of sucking and going psycho over that itty-bitty piece of meat poking out in between ur teeth. so floss i did! never mind every person who came in and looked at me strangely as if i was this lost bum taking advantage of a free washroom (by this time i was rather haggard looking. hair disheveled, clothes dusty, and skin burnt to a crisp). anyways, after 4 days of being in the province, i should be already used to getting stares and the once-over from locals for looking foreign. a few more stares wouldn't kill me... but the plaque probably will! hehehehe...


while threading the darn piece of nylon in between my cuspid and bicuspid, i suddenly got a call on my mobile from an unknown number. upon answering and hearing the voice on the other end, the way she said "jay-mee!", i knew already who i was speaking to and a stupid smile crawled up my tired face.

high pitched but forever tender to my ears, hearing vikki's voice from far Antalya was like dew in the morning, familiar and always refreshing. she called to make her kamustas and hear my voice as well as guess. it embarrasses me actually that i don't reciprocate and call her, even write her as much as i would like. maintaining connections has always been a problem of mine, probably the reason why i have so few friends. though it pleased me greatly to hear her again after a long time of no communication between us, my spirits was quickly dampened by the news that she brought, the reason she called in the first place. we have a friend, he was part of our batch who was hired and got sent to dubai. due to his absconding from another company and being buried in debt, he was jailed for 4 months in the dubai prison. before i left dubai for good more than a year ago, he had brought his wife and children to dubai to be with him. how he managed to support his family with his meager wage was a mystery to me. needless to say, i was not surprised at all to hear him being buried in debt. it was however unfortunate that he had to get imprisoned because of it. i am glad to know though that he and his family are now safely back home. disgraceful though, their exit, at least in the end, they are home, safe and complete as a family.

i have plenty of thoughts about this friend of mine. plenty of opinions about how and what he could have done, but that doesn't really matter now. vikki felt bad. i guess she felt sorry for them., more so, she could empathize with the family and waiting that long, not knowing what will happen. i on the other hand feel indifferent. i reasoned that he was old enough to know what and what not to do. he took the risk and knew full well what the consequences were. what was only sad here was him underestimating the gravity of his actions and him getting caught. but again, in the end, what is most important is that he and his family are home and together.

(sigh) dubai....

from flossing to this.... now wasn't that quite the leap?

where i have been since saturday!

won't do a full blown expose yet about my latest trip to the not-too-far south. considering my tendencies to bombard ppl with information, pertinent or otherwise, a trip of four days would probably bear a posts so long, even i would eventually give up writing it! so i will practice something i rarely exercise when blogging, restraint, and do what another ultimate blogger should consider every now and then.... edit.... my thoughts that is.

for now however, allow me to leave you with teaser pics of my escapade. sadly, like my trip to glorious cebu, these pics are not of my own but grabbed from the web. i am still camera-less unfortunately. fortunately however, my recent troupe was composed of trigger-happy cammy whores, i being a willing subject of their shots as well as a future recipient of their CD-burning, FACEBOOK-posting generosity.

Friday, April 17, 2009

today at work

i saw mr. perfect come in through the door. i have been used to seeing him now since he is a regular at the office. he shuttles himself back and forth, almost everyday from lucena to pick up supplies his store orders from us. i never really understood why he does this personally since our company offers delivery services, but he does. this just maybe is a perk he enjoys, driving long distances and running "errands for work" in places very far from home. he is considered a major customer since the goods he orders from us, in a month, can total to a lot... enough i have to say to make me swallow and be extra careful in doing the books when it comes to his account. since he is also a major customer, it's not really a surprise that my folks attend to him personally. his arrival today was no different.

it was around lunch time when he came. all the workers were now on lunch break as i could hear the pantry aloud with sounds of people chatting and flatware clanging. i was still sitting at my desk tallying the previous day's sales when my uncle came in from the warehouse, wearing his usual smile. he asked if i could join him inside to attend to mr. perfect since he was here to collect the goods he had ordered. not wanting to keep my uncle or this very important customer waiting, i carefully set aside the invoices i was calculating and followed my uncle into the store.

the noon time heat had made the temperature inside the warehouse almost unbearable. it was hot and the air was thick with humidity. you could throw boxes about and it would not disturb the dust that had accumulated inside due to the highly saturated air, heavy with moisture. my uncle, in mid chit-chat with mr. perfect and mid checking the list of items he had ordered asked me to seal up the boxes and load them into mr. perfect's car. i look around the floor and saw the boxes he was referring too. they were mid-sized, almost the size of a minibar ref and were still open. their contents were still strewn about the floor and still had to be packed into the boxes. my uncle asked that i hastefully move as the customer needed to leave soon.. so i did. i quickly picked up the remaining items on the floor and packed them in to their awaiting crates, sealing them up after for transport. all in all, there were 6 boxes and two bundles that were packed for pick-up. i found myself panting, woozy and dripping by the end of the task. the temperature nor the poor ventilation in the warehouse did little to comfort me. my uncle then asked me to fetch a kartilya, a cart, and load the boxes on and bring them to mr. perfects' car, which was parked outside in the street. i found the cart and loaded the boxes and followed mr. perfect to his vehicle. i wanted to stop for a bit to take my hanky out just to wipe my brow since sweat was already dripping into my eye, stinging it. but my hands were dirty from handling the boxes and i was also under time pressure. i forewent my little luxury of cleaning myself and just thought of doing it later instead. i passed the pantry pushing the cart as i went to his car and noticed that the noise emanating from within suddenly stopped as i passed. i went by the guard and he too acted strangely as i went down the ramp into the street, careful not to let go of the cart and its cargo. we finally reached mr. perfect's car and had his driver opened the back for us. i unloaded the boxes on to the street and was told that they can handle it from here. i then casually went back into the store with the cart and looked for my uncle to report.

by this time, my shirt was already tightly clinging onto me, drenched in sweat and my head, spinning from the noon time heat. the fatigue from the previous day's work was still upon me, and having missed breakfast and not having had lunch yet was taking it's tool. after confirming that all that i had needed to do was done, i slowly walked back to the office, washed up, wiped my brow and parked myself in front of the nearest fan i could find to dry.

in my efforts to rest and trying not to hyperventilate, i found myself asking.... why do i feel a slight tinge of embarrassment?

Monday, April 13, 2009


nagpupumilit akong lumusot kung miminsan, iniisip na baka sana, kahit ngayon lang, di siya nakatingin. sana, kung pupuwede man lang, papayagin akong mabuhay na di nararamdaman na ako'y hinuhusgahan at hahayaang makatawid sa dakong panig kung saan ako'y puwede mabuhay na malaya... pero, di siya ganun. tatakbo pa lamang ako ay masusulyapan ko na ang kanyang tingin. di nya ako hahabulin, sa katunayan, hahayaan niya pa akong makaabot sa kabilang dulo kung ito ay aking nanasain. bibilis ako sa aking pagtakbo, ipipikit ang mata para di siya makita, at sisigaw para di siya marining. ngunit... di sya kumurap, di siya nagsalita, di rin siya gumalaw. datapwat walang hangganan ang kapangyarihan niya, di niya ito ginamit sa akin, tanging tingin lang ang kanyang binaling. tanging tingin lang ang pumigil sa akin. babagal ako sa aking pagtakbo hanggang sa naglalakad na lamang ako papalapit sa linya na gusto ko sanang tawirin. hihinto, iikot, pagkatapos, parang bigong sundalo, maglalakd pabalik sa aking pinanggalingan; yuko-nuo at kaladkad ang aking sama ng luob, dala dala ang bigat ng aking mga panghihinayang. sa aking paglakad, nakakapagtataka at di ko man siya nakitang natuwa sa aking pagatras. ni bahid ng isang taong nagtagumpay ay wala kang makikita sa kanya. sa hitsura ng kanyang mukha, sa ayos ng kanyang tindig, parang ang buong pagkatao niya ay ngabubugtong hininga, parang maslalo pa siyang nabigo kaysa sa akin.

di rin kasi ako marunung umintindi...

* * * * *

an interesting discourse is unfolding in a blog i frequent about a topic i hold dear to my heart. i have attempted many times to leave my opinion but have found myself deleting it, even after a very lengthy composition. i did so since it just felt like it was not right enough, nor was it proper to add further fuel to the fire for, from the looks of it, the embers were burning white hot on their own. to think all this started from a picture.

ideas and beliefs are now being dealt on the table, all valid to a certain degree, all respect worthy. it is however saddening that after all that has been said and done, that this rather healthy discourse would bear no healthy fruit besides more tension, more misunderstanding, more stubbornness, more pride, more self righteousness. debate is at the end of the day but a glorious exercise of the self, only cloaked in eloquence and apparent soundness of thought.

a wise friend once said to me, when i asked him long ago why despite his great knowledge and vast experience, that he not use it to convince others to side with him and his beliefs. even in the lights of persecution and chastising from lesser, more inferior proponents of weaker arguments, my friend chooses to keep his silence. unperturbed, unprovoked. his answer was simple, like how answers always should. it contained utter clarity and light, enough to prove how right i was to think that my friend was indeed wise, and also, how foolish i still was at that time. he simply said: "no one wins in a debate. debate never gained souls." true enough, debate services no one and nothing except one's own ego. it can never enforce genuine change for it is too selfish of an act for such a high and self effacing cause.

* * * * *

naisip kong minsan na gusto ko ring sana manalo laban sa kanya. di ko lang inakala na sa aking pagkapanalo ay talo pa rin ako.

patawarin Niyo po sana ako. salamat po muli sa Inyong pasensya at pagmamahal...
i will not be a lost cause.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

HOLY!!!! week

i am usually a guy of very little opinion (yeah right... shut up! who asked you!?). more often then not, i would be mum about many things and just take my time to internalize moments, situations or occurrences, storing them up in the many compartments in my contorted psyche, allowing them to ferment, and maybe, go back to them for future reference. this is what i often call as my internal Rolodex, my flipping list of random memories, experiences, facts and figures, too raw to make sense of by now but due to my being an obsessive pack-rat, feel that they are too good to throw away.

all that considering, it wouldn't be a surprise why i hoard and soak all that i behold like a sponge, almost to the point that it overwhelms me. since i am still feeling a bit dazed, allow me to share the latest set of information that i am now processing, sorting, stacking, compiling and filing in a mental folder marked: my weekend trip to mactan with the fam.

kuya, not too long ago texted me asking if i had plans during the holy week, to which i said no. i am probably one of those ppl who believed that the best place to be during the holidays is to stay put in manila since, this is the only time in the year the city becomes almost deserted. imagine congested manila.... TRAFFIC FREE and quiet :) however, his next question had me change my mind almost at an instant. true, my defenses were weak and my integrity, well, debatable. but really now, can you blame me, especially since the alternative was to go to fly out and frolic at glorious cebu!

from kuya's many trips and stories there, i have had visions of this place already. cebu, with its historical landmarks, its beautiful people, its tourists and of course... its FOOD! one place i had craved for and was enough reason for me to say "f**k manila!" was gelatissimo... gelato for the GODS!!!! anyways... lets talk about food later... like, in the next paragraph since cebu was practically one gluttonous escapade after the next and there will be more than enough room to talk about that later anyways. so... after i gave my irrevocable thumbs up to the holiday getaway, kuya got this ball a-rolling. a couple of calls and a few internet clicks later and we were set... booked.... 4 people.... 3 days, two nights..... at the shangri-la mactan resort and spa.

since i don't have flicker (and am too lazy to learn how to install it here, despite the possible fact that it might be really easy), let me just post pics that i grabbed from the hotel website and just tell my story in these pics in the order they happened.

flew PAL. was supposed to fly coach but due to kuya's frequent flier credits and undeniable charm, we were all upgraded to business class, which meant more leg room for our short, asian legs and food for our abyssal stomachs :) also... the flight attendants in business class were also a sight to behold... one in particular caught my radar, busted with his highlights, stance and the jade bangle that would peek out of his sleeve everytime he reached for something. in fairness, he was very cute. u just have to love eye candy so early on a vacay... while sipping juice on an upgraded seat! LOL!

landed in mactan international airport ahead of schedule and got shuttled to our ULTIMATE destination.... more than 15,000 square meters of luxurious pampering, enough to leave you spoiled and rotten to the core like the gotti kids!

after checking in, we were ushered into our rooms, the pool and the azure ocean in full view. down pillows, fresh glorious cotton sheets and a bathtub (i am easily pleased) and i could have died and went straight to heaven already.... BUT WAIT, not just yet!!! since i still had to have lunch....

... here at acqua. poolside. italian cuisine. contemporary design. very chic-ly done by the almario sisters (i immediately recognized their signature patterns). my dad was supposed to make the chandeliers for this resto but he backed out... sayang. good food, won't bother about the price, beautiful view.

strolled around the grounds to burn off lunch, and found myself "lost" and walking towards here.. the chi spa. inquired for their basic hilot and almost fainted with the cost (maybe this was how they relax you). mcvie mentioned for that price, it should come with a relationship with the masseur already! well, maybe not, unless that person is... :)

gym to burn off more calories and try the health club amenities. not too long later and still tasting the sea bass antipasti from lunch, we were already getting ready for dinner... here. outside the hotel, at ANOTHER hotel. this was day 1.

day 2 started with GYM again and a sauna.... my version of pampering... sweaty and guilt-free!

after burning all that unwanted calories, why not throw all that work out of the window by following it with a sinful breakfast buffet here. the tides.

my innie contemplating to be an outie, kuya and i decided to make full use of the sun to get a bit of color. i ended up getting myself burnt while wading through the pool. noticed also that ALL of the shang's outdoor furniture was by DEDON. OMG... DEDON!!!

after roasting... lunch was next in the agenda. chinese at tea of spring. the food was excellent... and so was our server... harold :) unfortunately, we was not part of the menu. LOL! (narnian... ikaw ang may salot nito!)

afternoon was free now (as if we had plans except eat) so we all went our separate ways. kuya got a massage that only execs like him deserve, while i got the one's only misers like me can afford. it was nice and quite an experience since i normally don't like having strangers touch me, more so since you have to be fully in the buff for it. got a sports massage. felt i could handle more punishment though.... didn't feel i was kneaded, mashed and tenderized enough.

greased, slippery and surprisingly hungry... dinner was next. cebu lechon buffet and fire dancers at the buko bar by the pool.

walked about some more to burn off all that pork and found myself falling in love with how the hotel looks at night, the landscape alit with torches with flames dancing in the sea breeze. went to our rooms to retire and lament on my enlarged belly. went to watch nat geo until i dozed off to hearing about the "devil's bible" and had a nightmare about it, waking me and kept me awake till well, i dozed off again... did i mention glorious cotton sheets? :)

woke up the next to exorcise the prior day's fat and steam myself to a prune. never though such a small steam room can suddenly feel claustrophobic when this giant of a white suddenly entered. thought this place can only handle ONE white boy... went to take a cold shower only to find him loitering there a few moments later.... ew... (red alert!!!) anyway!!!!

took the morning off after having breakfast to go to ayala center, cebu... to finally satisfy what my tongue and palate had long waited for.... GELATO FROM GELATISSIMO. P150 for a mountain of sin and i was in ice cream nirvana!!!! i may have been fattened, burnt, perved and then some but for that cup of luxury... it was all worth it!!!!

we "flew" back to the hotel to be rushed to the airport since we were running late. arrived finding that our flight was delayed. upon boarding, kuya got called to the flight check-in counter saying there was something wrong with his ticket.... we were being flown back home again on business class :)

now.... THAT was what i call a vacation!!!!! :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


to vikki.

thank you for calling, for wanting to just hear my voice. hearing yours almost made me cry. i miss you dearly. bestfriends are so hard to find nowadays, especially those are crazy as you. love you, dear. hope all things are fine. hugs to the oz.

to mei.

the month of may seems to take forever to come. i cannot wait to see you again. you and karen's homecoming will be the highlight of my year. we have a lot of catching up to do... and food to try!

to narnian.

fear and uncertainty is normal, and as long as you're in the normal... then there really shouldn't be anything to fear. slow and steady, friend. no worries.

to mcvie.

the may-december podcast was just too hilarious. o how i wished i could have seen you guys in action, in person! enjoy the holidays and the bisita-beach you and the fabcasters will be having!

to johnstan.

i have yet to ride in your zoom-zoom. also, kasuy on our next meeting, ok? :) a kilo would be enough. harharhar!

to poi, ewik & dabo.

i miss your fun company, if only makati wasn't so far. seeing you guys in action is like getting a waft of fresh air after being cooped up for so long.

to mister hubs and his eugie-wudgie.

enjoy your vacation guys! you deserve it :)

to the moon.

you will be a hard one to replace. nasabi ko na ang lahat. di na ako maghahanap ng iba. i hope you live a good and well life. no point in holding on. no point in missing. sayang kung sayang pero ganyan talaga ang inihanda ng tadhana. di na ako nalulungkot, sana ikaw rin. matututo ka ring mabuhay na mapayapa sa piling ng iyong nobya. ako din sana, mayroong tahimik na hinaharap.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

sagged by tohn jan!

i am answering these questions in half lucidness. it was a very long and hectic day, followed by a rather unusual date with a rather unusual person in what would probably be the worst planned mall in the country... gateway. needless to say, adding to my already tiring day, the long drive home from cubao and the terrible traffic along dimasalang due to 18-wheeler trucks trying to fit themselves into that very narrow road had pushed me to use up my very last few drops of strength. buti nalang may-cute na driver na tumabi sa tsekot ko habang ako'y naipit sa trapik. napansin ko rin na tingin sya ng tingin sa akun... di pa siguro nakakakit ang chekwa na mas-singkit pa sa chekwa dahil sa sobrang pagod at antok... eniway... ayan... nagtatagalog na ako.... siguradong pagod na pagod na ako nyan.

10. who is your least favorite blogger and why?

hay naku, kailangan pa bang sagutin ito? kilala mo na kung sino ka! wala akong pakialam kung nanalo ka man ng kahit anong award dyan, kung ilang libro na ang nasulat mo o ilang master's degree pa ang tapusin mo... iniway mo ako dahil KSP ka at inakala mo na puwede mo akong husgahan ng ganun na lang... pwes!! di na kita gusto maging friend!!!!

9. if there's just one blog that you'll read, what is it?

hmmmm, mahirap ata ito. madami akong gusto basahin. pero kung pipiliting pumili lang ng isa, siguro si misterhubs. ibang klase talaga kasi wit nya. medyo madalang lang nga sya mag-update, pero at least, pag nagpost e siguradong sasakit ang ulo mo at mga tadyang sa kakatawa! ibang klase talaga!!! :)

8. who do you think tells fabricated stories?

so far, wala pa akong nahahalata. meron mga iba na too good to be true, pero plausible naman. i guess sa mga binabasa ko, i feel the authors never saw the reason to make up false accounts of their lives. kung meron man at di ko nahalata... well, ang galing nyo magsulat then.

7. if there's one blogger whom you haven't met and would like to meet, who would it be and why?

by far, the only person who came to mind is "the tripper". simply because he was the starting point for me to find all of these very interesting ppl who shared their very interesting stories with me. it would be nice to shake his hand one of these days... the same gesture i always offer to the people i respect when i meet them... exept si john stan... not because i don't respect you.. it was because i promised you a hug when we would eventually meet.. O DI BA? i kept my promise :)

6. if there was one thing that you'd like to write about but cannot (due to real or perceived complications) what would it be?

i have always believed in keeping the things that are private, private. kuya told me before... though blogging is a vent, it however is not therapy. do not air your laundry out in public. so i don't then, not anymore. it however doesn't mean that i don't write about it still....

5. have you had sex with a blogger?


4. have you had sex with a reader?


3. who is the most narcissistic/self-absorbed blogger that you know?

a ultimate question such as this only deserves a ULTIMATE answer.... however, since blogs are totem poles to one's vanity anyways... no one should be faulted for being lords of their domain.

2. who do you want to have sex with?

write a really great post and i climax at every punctuation!!!

1. based on how you know this blogger through his (or her) blog, who would you like to be in a serious relationship with?


i deleted my online accounts since i thought they were too superficial of a medium for me to know, more so, fall for someone. though i have found myself feel attracted to certain people, i could not make myself explore the feelings simply because i would want to know more about ppl than just how they look or how they are in bed. truly, i thought blogs were the answer to my problem since they addressed aspects no smutty networking sites ever could like: sense of humor; intelligence; sensitivity; wit; compassion.... however, though not as superficial, blogs still cannot replace person to person contact. ppl's writings only show you the parts they want to show. you cannot gather anymore from what they are willing to offer. so, though the picture that you may see may look perfect, you neglect to consider that what you see is but a small part of a greater whole, a whole that may not be perfect... worse so, a whole that is greatly flawed.

so i learn to take things with a grain of salt and begin to not put too much hope in people and their skills in written expression. in the many times i have met bloggers, i have found that some, though not as good with words, can blow you away still even in their silence. i too have also met those who write very well and so full of expression and yet is are dull as a dead toenail on shrek's pinky toe.

person to person contact. you just have to have more of it.

Monday, April 6, 2009

what happens inside closed locker rooms

i was changing in our gym's locker room when i noticed these two kids. my gym offers karate lessons and the boys would sometimes hang out in the locker room during their breaks. as i was sitting on the bench, undoing my shorts, i noticed how these two young kids, both maybe less than 10 years old, were touching each other. the older of the two had the younger close against him, almost face to face, with his hand inside the younger's shirt. i heard one of them ask the other what he was doing, with the other only replying to him with a hush. he kept it in there for a long while, enough for me to look at them intently and wonder whether or not to think malice of what they were doing. they were young boys, too young to even consider the possible meanings of their actions, and yet it frightened me still though to even have these thoughts. were children becoming promiscuous so early already, exploring their bodies at such tender ages, or had i been corrupted so badly now that i cannot give certain gestures the benefit of the doubt? i continued to stare at them, waiting how things were going to unfold. was i witnessing how boys would eventually evolve into men like me? the older eventually took his hand out of the younger's shirt and placed his head against his chest. the younger asked again what he was doing, the older tightened his embrace. this time however, the older replied with a giggle... "you should hear how strong your heart is beating!" "ba-dum! ba-dum!" turns out, it was the younger's first day in karate class and he was sorely exhausted. the older was his brother i would presume since they kinda looked alike. both boys were dreading the resuming of class since they were set to go against this girl, who i would also presume, can kick boy ass.

i stepped out of the locker room feeling relieved, and to a certain degree, disgusted. relieved that my initial thoughts were very wrong. disgusted since it also confirmed that i had become so jaded that children no longer look innocent in my eyes.

o how much i have lost.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


and all was quiet. all was quiet.
pieces strewn across the indifferent plane.
the world turned, unmindful of the tragedy;
of this, the breaking, this, the shattering,
the wrongful death of another in creation.

so blood flowed, the oozing of a delicate fruit,
saturating the ancient soil of abel, the slain.
it awakened echoes, the forgotten clamorings
the memories of a plea yet unfulfilled,
screaming to the heavens, avenge us!

but the sky reacted with ebullient dormancy.
it was silenced. laying silent, inept, grossly impotent.
and the violent rage of the earth cannot stir it.
and the beating of its bleeding heart will not move it.
so it waits again, for another millenea perchance,
in desperate hope that his master will soon awake.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

what lies beneth... the coffee table

and a pair of hands, fingers intertwined, was all that i needed to open the can of worms that i had thought i had sealed.

i was wrong to think that work and fatigue had run down my peripheral senses to the ground. why do i, until now, still doubt intuition? i wonder, if i had long trusted it and mastered its accuracy, more so its potential, then i might have truly have super powers by now... but no. i had to be a rationalizing cynic, and a good one at that, ending all possible hopes of me becoming one of those loony fortune tellers that milk rich people of every hard-earned cent they make by having them move furniture and their houses around to very odd and sometimes idiotic configurations.

hmmm, so, what comes next then, like john stan's blog?

the opening of the can of worms released again the same familiar feeling i have had not too long ago. questions led to more questions which led to a feeling of discomfort for the unanswered, which will lead me to introspect again, which will lead me to a spiral of comparing memories to the present, proving and disproving, until i finally find myself deeper and deeper in a thick, gooey muck... of worries, sighs and all that ugly stuff you only keep in a can of worms.

so i am resealing it again. no more muck for me. i am stopping before i even start, hence i am airing my thoughts here and now and hope they won't bother me again. i will not have hopes, i will not have judgments, i will not have opinions. i will only limit myself to be a witness of facts unfolding and nothing more. like hope as a wise friend said, longing too can be a dangerous thing.

i woke up this morning with something my mom told me once, also not too long ago. she said it to me upon learning about my pinings for the moon... i only realized now the concern that gave birth to her words... and that i got my supposed to be powers from her.

i grimace at how my week is ending... and to cap it off, the LSS in my head since this morning upon waking.... Ebben? ne andrò lontana from La wally by Alfredo Catalani, sung by timeless Maria. i swear... opera is the soundtrack of my soul.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

stolen minutes in front of the pc

i haven't had the luxury of being idle lately to find time to think and reflect about life and it's issues like i used to. ever since i started working for my uncle, it seems every single hour that i am awake and conscious, i am working. don't get me wrong though, i am far from being treated as a slave and have more than enough time to relax if i wanted to. the work load i have been given is very manageable and to a degree, light. however, i took it on to myself to remain busy as much as possible and try to learn as much as i can since, being in the family business, i try to keep boo-boos to a minimum. i know it may be a bit extreme but i somehow feel that though i am given maximum room for error, i cannot bear to avail of it since shame for one is shame for all. i may not have been drafted due to my skills in entrepreneurship but i will definitely try my best to not make them doubt ever taking me in.

work has now become my world. my weekdays are filled and other than sundays, weekends as well. besides helping out at the office, i have to fit in whatever free time i find to slip in to do errands for my design job as well. meetings with suppliers or contractors have to be pushed to very late or maybe even on my sacred free days, just so my schedule doesn't get interrupted. though there have been days when i feel the itch to go out and have fun and maybe even experience again some semblance of a normal life (like get a decent haircut from my stylist), the thoughts of having to wake up early the following day and suffer the effects of lacking sleep discourages me from doing so. auditing and being lethargic can be a deadly combination you see. my only forms of distraction now are gym and my night runs, activities that i chose to maintain in my daily routine but pay a price to keep them since gym in the morning requires me to wake up early and be out of the house by 530am and my night runs see that the earliest time i get home will be about 10pm. dinner comes after, or rather, pre-bed time snack.

on certain days wherein i am lucky enough to still have the energy to think and talk and have QT with my family, i would find myself think of and miss my former life of being a freelancer. i miss the loose schedule and how i simply just let the wind dictate my fate, going wherever it takes me. i needed not bother myself of thinking about so many things or consider if my schedule can accomodate impromptu meetings since, i never really needed a schedule. i could sleep the entire day or stay awake the entire night with little consequence since i can more than adjust myself to any demand that would come my way. i could focus my attention to just one task and have enough time to sit on a decision since i always had time. such was the pressure-free life i used to lead. such was the existence i once had, care-free, lax, laid back and well... directionless.

be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it. one will never run out of oppurtunities to complain or feel regret for one's chosen path. however, as my brother told me once while i was driving, "pick a lane and commit to it!". and so i did, and so i will commit. i will adjust and i will prevail.

in the course of this, my short life, i constantly find myself meeting road block after road block, life's way of teaching me and making me learn to be comfortable in making decisions. though i cannot say in this regard that practice makes perfect, i however can say that with each hurdle, i know i become wiser and also nearer to my ideal self. a self that is secure, content, wise, mature, and steady. a self that will always lean towards happiness since by then, it already knows truly that it is the best and only decision one should make. a self that is centered and aware and selfless. a self that would base itself on its own sense of worth and not by that others bestow on it. a self who's capacity has been enlarged to the point wherein it's tolerances are loose and its limits, vague. it is my ultimate dream to leave this world smiling.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

my day

long day again. started today early with gym as i now work out on alternating days since i run on my off days. i tried to do them together last week, gym in the morning then run at night but found it too taxing. i knew in the back of my head that i was pushing myself to the brink of dropping dead but i just wanted to see how much my body can take. answer, not that much. i forgot to add to my endurance equation that a large portion of my strength in the day gets drained from doing all the MATH!!!!

anyway... this morning while at work, i was pulled out of auditing duty and was instead made encoder for the day. a new month and a new price list was in order. since computer databases don't really update themselves, someone had to do the dirty work and input all the new data manually. i being the new kid on the work block, all neon signs saying "fresh slave" pointed to me. i was handed the hard copy and was asked to painstakingly transfer all the data into the system. so for about 6 hours while sitting ona back breaking chair, all i did was input serial number after serial number of spare parts and their new prices. it wasn't that many... just a few hundred or so.... enough to regret wearing contacts today and for not taking that extra dose of caffeine via IV. needless to say, by the time i had entered the last item, my eyes were bloodshot and my neck was as stiff a sequoia! i got up from my chair and went straight out of the office to stretch.... noticing the cute security guard and how it seems he likes to stare at me :) but that could also be just my fatigue playing tricks with me.

7pm came by fast. another 10 hours had passed. i had scheduled a meeting with my contractor at site (i still keep my other job) and whisked myself away to eastwood in record time, despite encountering pockets of congestion and stupid drivers along the way. thank goodness for katipunan and how the speed of light is the limit as to how fast one can go when passing there. i got to eastwood a few minutes before 830, just a few minutes ahead of my contractor. it has been a long while since we last saw each other and i have to say, it was a good thing. i had almost forgotten how cute he looked... mestizo and very haciendero material!! by far the best looking contractor i have met! it tickled me to see from the corner of my eye a group of korean girls eyeing him as well... hehehehe. anyways, business was in order. we surveyed the site and discussed the things that had to be done. despite the many flukes and the rather embarrassing oversights caused my inexperience, he had always been encouraging. though he could have rightfully reprimanded me for my poor design judgements, he never turned negative on me, even if my mistakes caused him great inconvenience. this made me respect him very much and made me wish i could work with him again in the future, or at least give him more projects.

our meeting ended too soon and we parted ways. i decided to go home instead of staying longer to have dinner. i was too tired to think and too broke to spend so home was the only option. as i found myself zipping back to my side of the metro in warp speed, i decided that despite how tiring the day was, i would like to end it good. i wanted to make a conscious decision to be happy and not worry and just be content with what i have in the present. i knew it was easier to feel dejected and fatigued and cranky, but why settle for that when i can be happy? so i decided to be happy. i decided to stay ok. i decide to end with on high note.... so high, my poor shi-tzu i think developed a nervous tic as i stepped through the door! hehehehehe....