Wednesday, April 29, 2009

conversations

sabi ng akda ng librong binabasa ko, lahat daw ng tao ay tanga dahil pinipini nating habulin ang mga bagay na lubos na makakasakit sa atin. nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng libro at marami-rami na ring ang mga kataga na nakatawag sa aking pansin ngunit sadyang ang nauna pa rin ang ayaw akong lubayan. naka-relate ba siguro ako ng husto? ang pagiging tanga? ang paghahbol sa sakit?

i was chatting with a friend last night and was asked about my opinions on his current relationship. i couldn't be really honest with him at first since i felt that to comment on it would also mean that i had to point a finger (or two, or three) at myself. the very prospect of considering about my friend's circumstances was enough to send my overly sensitive conscience into hyperdrive. it had been silently waiting for me to give it the time of day, ever so vigilant still in its stand and never blinking, despite my stubbornness and countless attempts to ignore it and dismiss its arguments completely. last night, fatigued and sparked by the catalyst that was my friend's question, i found myself finally having that conversation my spirit had long and patiently been waiting for.

"why are you doing this?" it asked.

"i don't know." i answered.

"you do know what you are doing, right?"

"yes i do. and i also know what it can lead to. i know fully well."

"so why continue?"

"i don't know. this really has never happened before. i have tried quitting but i can't. i'm not strong enough."

"have you really tried? from how i see it, i haven't felt the force it would take to shake something like this off. it feels like you're holding on more than trying to let go."

"as i told you, i am not strong enough. please don't judge me. it's hard enough to bear this on my own."

"i cannot judge you. but i will not falter from my stance either. you put me here for a reason, and i will remain faithful to it... no matter how much you ignore me."

"i understand. thank you. i thought i was handling it well already. i thought it was dying. i thought...."

"you thought wrong. it never died. you just hid it. hiding, despite what you think, is not managing. embers, small as they are, can still cause fire, all you need is kindling. looking at your hiding place, there is enough back there to light up the sun! embers however are harmless if extinguished. you never really wanted them extinguished, did you?"

"i'm sorry. i really am. i am lost, and i feel i have exhausted all avenues to help myself."

"you always have a choice. you know what i am talking about. you just never wanted to take it."

"i loose everything if i do. everything! in my head, i know the path to glory, but i just am not brave enough to go that way. why can't i have both? i feel that it's just not fair. the price seems too high."

"everything has a price. everything requires a choice. you may choose to sit on this as long as you like but sooner or later, the choice still has to be made. time, despite how you may think, will also not make things better. this will not leave you. also, do not be mistaken that the price is too high. you know this is not about what you should give up but more on just giving it up."

"i'm being dealt with, aren't i? it's always that way whenever i find myself in these situations."

"perhaps. i only know what is revealed to me, and as far as the vision goes, i have presented it already to you, clearly."

"and i have seen it, felt it, bore it, already. i hate it. why me? why does it have to be me?"

"just because. the servant never questions the master. the finite, the infinite. simply know that your portion is unique. resurrection is an extremely rare gift. "

"what do i do now?"

"two roads diverge in a yellow wood, frost said that... you know this poem well, do you not?"

i nodded.

it smiled, turned its back then faded away.


"i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence
two roads diverged in a wood
and i took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference."


7 comments:

Niel Camhalla said...

On Frost's poem, I don't think one road is being privileged over the other. It does not moralize about choice.

:: cb :: said...

you need to look inward for the most distant view. nakuha ko naman yun sa isang coffee table book. hehe it's good that you had a talk with ur inner self.. minsan kasi di na natin sila napapakinggan.

re: niel's comment tama! hehe sino ba kasi nagsabing nagmomoralize sila?

joelmcvie said...

I had a problem with my muse and you get to write a blog entry. Diz iz umpayr! Umpayr! Umpayr! =)

Theo Martin said...

One of the loveliest posts you made polar bear! :) i love this. I wish i wrote this at this point in my life. ;) it makes me proud that despite these hardships I am facing, I am taking the road less traveled...I hope I will succeed. :)

i'm a narnian said...

kagabi ba ito?

john stanley said...

i was thinking which two persona are talking. natasya and lingling?

happiness to you, jamie.

wanderingcommuter said...

i am completely moved...

haaaayyyy...

are you planning to name your egos too?