i haven't had the luxury of being idle lately to find time to think and reflect about life and it's issues like i used to. ever since i started working for my uncle, it seems every single hour that i am awake and conscious, i am working. don't get me wrong though, i am far from being treated as a slave and have more than enough time to relax if i wanted to. the work load i have been given is very manageable and to a degree, light. however, i took it on to myself to remain busy as much as possible and try to learn as much as i can since, being in the family business, i try to keep boo-boos to a minimum. i know it may be a bit extreme but i somehow feel that though i am given maximum room for error, i cannot bear to avail of it since shame for one is shame for all. i may not have been drafted due to my skills in entrepreneurship but i will definitely try my best to not make them doubt ever taking me in.
work has now become my world. my weekdays are filled and other than sundays, weekends as well. besides helping out at the office, i have to fit in whatever free time i find to slip in to do errands for my design job as well. meetings with suppliers or contractors have to be pushed to very late or maybe even on my sacred free days, just so my schedule doesn't get interrupted. though there have been days when i feel the itch to go out and have fun and maybe even experience again some semblance of a normal life (like get a decent haircut from my stylist), the thoughts of having to wake up early the following day and suffer the effects of lacking sleep discourages me from doing so. auditing and being lethargic can be a deadly combination you see. my only forms of distraction now are gym and my night runs, activities that i chose to maintain in my daily routine but pay a price to keep them since gym in the morning requires me to wake up early and be out of the house by 530am and my night runs see that the earliest time i get home will be about 10pm. dinner comes after, or rather, pre-bed time snack.
on certain days wherein i am lucky enough to still have the energy to think and talk and have QT with my family, i would find myself think of and miss my former life of being a freelancer. i miss the loose schedule and how i simply just let the wind dictate my fate, going wherever it takes me. i needed not bother myself of thinking about so many things or consider if my schedule can accomodate impromptu meetings since, i never really needed a schedule. i could sleep the entire day or stay awake the entire night with little consequence since i can more than adjust myself to any demand that would come my way. i could focus my attention to just one task and have enough time to sit on a decision since i always had time. such was the pressure-free life i used to lead. such was the existence i once had, care-free, lax, laid back and well... directionless.
be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it. one will never run out of oppurtunities to complain or feel regret for one's chosen path. however, as my brother told me once while i was driving, "pick a lane and commit to it!". and so i did, and so i will commit. i will adjust and i will prevail.
in the course of this, my short life, i constantly find myself meeting road block after road block, life's way of teaching me and making me learn to be comfortable in making decisions. though i cannot say in this regard that practice makes perfect, i however can say that with each hurdle, i know i become wiser and also nearer to my ideal self. a self that is secure, content, wise, mature, and steady. a self that will always lean towards happiness since by then, it already knows truly that it is the best and only decision one should make. a self that is centered and aware and selfless. a self that would base itself on its own sense of worth and not by that others bestow on it. a self who's capacity has been enlarged to the point wherein it's tolerances are loose and its limits, vague. it is my ultimate dream to leave this world smiling.