Saturday, December 16, 2017

its just... a little crush

Temperance. I think this is one of the skills i have honed well. I can wield it to the extent that i can feel the emotions almost surface but just before it overflows, i can quite easily push it back down, barely skimming the surface. It can be quite taxing at times, this almost tight tango i dance, but in my predicament, it feels like its my only recourse. 

It was his voice that first caught my attention. I heard him speak once and the bass of his voice immediately drew me to him. It was deep and full, but to a degree soft as well. Like a heavy duvet you would want to wrap yourself with on a cold winter morning. Physically, he was tall, taller than me, and quite unremarkable. He bore a rather awkward stance maybe brought about by his tall stature. Despite being younger than me, his features looked more mature, seasoned. His faced scarred with a bout with acne and his general upkeep, rather disheveled... like how most straight guys would keep themselves. 

Yes. He is straight. I confirmed it by asking him point blank actually. I dont think he minds that Im not, nor the fact that wer friends. He has gay friends too i believe and considering he studied in an all boys school, I’m pretty sure my company is not that  strange or uncomfortable to him. 

Admittedly it’s quite a lost cause on my part since I’m sure there is no way for the tides to turn towards my favor, but thats ok. His company gives me comfort. On those lonely days i chat with him about random, none romantic things, and just having that interaction grants me some joy. Joy that i dont want to indulge in too much. Tempered joy, that I have a straight friend whom my heart is inclined too. A friend who is quite oblivious to my pinings. A friend that i decide to keep a safe distance away. A friend who i sometimes, in my lonliest of times would chat with about the most random of things and imagine his voice through the text messages turning into my imaginary heavy duvet. 

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