Saturday, October 2, 2010

my reaction

i should not have given heed to the temptation to pry, but such is a defect of mine, something that i really should continue to work on, something that other's should work on as well.

a dried scab should always be left alone, since picking on it never leads to anything good. so now, i ponder on this. should i react, despite the growing torrent of vile emotion i have within me to do so, despite how irrational, i know, it is? or should i do what i always do and process and edit and reconstruct and deny and repress and ignore and forget....

the drive this morning to makati was a noisy one, in my head that is. the urge to shout and scream and kick and throw a fit was strong, thankfully so, the previous night's activities had left me a bit sleep deprived, and thus, low in the necessary energy to get violent. like in a lot of things in my life, it seems, greater powers that be knew how to deal with me best. i am calmer now. i still itch to throw a nasty fit though, but then, what good would it do? what use would it be besides entertainment, maybe, for curious people, and food for their intentions... what ever they may be.

the drive this morning also was enlightening, i guess. the push of pent up emotion had to be weighed down by some serious thinking, most of which was a reassessment of things that had happened. why it happened, how it happened. thank goodness for my vivid memory. thank goodness for an even clearer emotional recollection. it was the slumber party. it all ended there. everything stopped there.

i had an entire post constructed in my head already, about all that had happened, detailed, supported by facts, interestingly, in reverse chronological order. from my last impression during the slumber party (even to the boxer shorts he wore) all the way back to the gentle message he left me on my already extinct social network account. i wanted to justify and validate myself and my current sentiments... but i think, i was just really wanting to feel more hatred for someone i already know i have no more feelings for.

so be it, and let things be.exist, like how we have always been. you be you. i be me.

find relevance in your endeavors. 

i will stop here.

baka may dumulas pa na salita. pagchismisan na naman ang buhay ng may buhay.

1 comment: