adrift

i could be loosing my touch. either that, or i could be just realizing that i have been sustaining myself with only the dredges of what used to be there. funny how the events led to this realization, here i thought i was the "helper", helping my friend thru a touch patch, when in truth, i was the one who was helped by being exposed of how lacking i truly am.

i sometimes stare at myself in the mirror, often late at night, studying my body. i try to recall how i looked before and how i felt back then when i looked the way i looked. i would then remember and look at my body now for how it is, how much thinner i am now, how much more chiseled, muscular, lean, how taller i now look and how much better i carry myself... that is, until i see pass the illusion and see that i haven't changed as much as i originally thought.

i am finding myself growing steadily curious of a few people, maybe because of how they have stayed anonymous and therefore, mysterious. people like MANECH, whose writing and persona reminds me so much of VICTOR GREGOR for some reason. then there is also THE FICKLE CATTLE, and how easily words flow out of him. there's also JOHNNY CURSIVE, particularly since he draws extremely well. part of me wants to know these people even more, though part of me wants to stay away as well. it's been a long time since my genuine curiosity has been aroused. it would be nice to sustain it for a bit longer.

a good friend, chris, commented on how different my writing was during my birthday. i must admit, it was rather raw and very unlike me to publish something that hasn't been thought over a billion times. then again, writing that way felt good in a sense. sometimes, when we edit our thoughts too much, we edit reality as well.

i found myself looking at a cute guy last sunday, while at the mall. what kept my attention at him though was him playing with his beautiful daughter. i wonder then, will i ever have a family of my own? will be a good husband if i were to be married? will i be a good provider, a good father, a good mentor, a loving spouse... ah, a new year older, a new set of questions now.

i could be loosing my touch... either that, or i am now at a point in my life when i no longer feel that i have already let go.