the morning after

the morning after...

i am a year and a day older.
i am hoping i am wiser.
i hope i am sharper.
i wish i could be happier.
i miss feeling secure in myself.
i longed to feel connected.
i wish i did not dissociate myself last night.
i wonder why i felt out of place.
i agree that Red said that he is socially inept.
i think Red should just learn to think beyond himself, to cure his ineptitude.
i think Red should stop focusing on (subconsciously) trying to prove himself to others.
i think Christian is casually charming.
i think Christian is smarter than how he presents himself to be... terribly smart.
i am surprised to learn that people find me intimidating.
i agree that Marc does look like enchong dee, only slightly darker and not as tall.
i am very intrigued with Marc's ear ornament, but i neglected to ask him about it last night.
i am acknowledging how beautiful Josh's skin is, how deep his crow's feet are when he smiles, and how magnetic is his smile. it explains a lot why people are drawn to him.
i think my attraction to Josh is because i can't seem to demystify his appeal. i still think it's the unibrow tho.
i am still emotionally detached with Patrick. part of me just doesn't trust him anymore.
i miss the ideals of being a young man, like Dan.
i don't miss however, the conflicts inexperience offers, like that of Dan's.
i miss innocence. 
i find myself on a slow watz with all my fears in life. i just hope my deep respect for them doesn't bite me back later on.
i wonder why Brian doesn't make any impression on me. i almost forgot about him while writing this post.
i am surprised how people can be independent of the good opinion of others.
i just realized how soft Gibb's skin is.
i think Jonas is quite good looking.
i realized that Lance is bow-legged, hence the unusual gait, almost like wearing heels, as someone pointed out last night.
i found i was struggling to stay connected last night.
i find it strange that i don't feel my birthday is relevant to me anymore.

i am still thankful though for everything.
there is a purpose for all of this.

i will find it.