Sunday, October 12, 2008

bulls**ting my way to recovery

found myself typing away this entire afternoon an entry i entitled "the storm". i basically wanted to write about the funk i am currently in, but not talk about it just as plainly. funny, everytime i get myself into one of these bad moods, i always turn to literary prose to express my feelings. after posting it though and taking a nap after, i realized that i might have over done it a little bit. true enough, when i reread it again after i woke, it somehow did not feel like it was genuine anymore. kinda O.A. if u ask me, so i decided to just get rid of it... and so i did.

"he writes well, but somehow, it just feels like it's a bit contrived"

i once tried out as feature writer at our school paper back when i was in high school, upon the urging of my once best friend, who by the way was also the editor in chief. i never really thought that i wrote exceptionally well, though i have to admit, i could express myself better in words than your average high schooler. my theme papers were always scored high but far from perfect. i guess this single fact about my literary skills was reason enough for my best friend to put in the good word for me and get me into the try-outs. so tried i did... i however did not make the cut. the comment above was left by the assistant editor in chief over my anonymous article. to be honest, she did have a point. i remember not to particularly like what i wrote and things did feel a bit forced in the end. no surprise my friend also had to agree and i was dropped from the list.

i have always, i guess, had a thing for going beyond what situations may seem. i have yet to master reconciling subjectivity with objectivity since so far, its emotions that drive me most of the time. i often get a scolding from my older brother that i need to learn how to manage my emotions and not the other way around. wise words from one who mentors and manages thousands under him, objectivity is definitely a skill he has honed very well.

emotions, for me, is my life blood. it fuels my work, it fuels my life. despite how detrimental it is for me, unfortunately, i really dont know how i can give it up if i subsist so much on it. i wasn't always like this though. i do recall there was a time wherein i was rather objective. back when i was volunteering from hospital to clinic to hospital, offering my services to patients and clients, hoping that this would lead me to better experience and open better opportunities. i would think i was pretty focused back then, stoic even to a degree. it was definitely very left brain. but i did not last long, not at all. i soon found myself run down, burned out and exhausted, physically and mentally. my mom back then said i was too calculating, too rigid, to the point that it hindered my every move.

so let me see, i can manage being objective, just that i overdo it to the point of exhaustion. i can also be subjective, to the point that i become melodramatic and probably push myself to either severe depression or insanity. so i guess, the problem there really is all about moderation, my lack of it.

this funk im going through is really hitting me hard. its been day two now and things still havent lightened up. usually gloomy days like this would just get me sad and that would be it. chocolate often does the trick... this funk however is totally different. naps dont work, chocolate, dimsum, hap chan, cartoons and a warm bath did nothing to ease me. exercise and endorphins did help a bit, but as it wore off, im back again to the same old shit. it has reached a point today wherein my breathing became laborious and i lost my appetite. i still went to eat though, but more for show since i have to join the family at the table and depression is NEVER an excuse.

was thinking of maybe trying out a spa or massage, thinking it may do the trick, ease away some of that tension. recalled that a friend told me of this place near macapagal. then i also recalled that he informed me of the "extra" service they offer. um.. no thanks then. scrap that idea. maybe home service nalang....

sat in at a trial yoga class with my client the other day. though i was not part of the group who took it, i did however feel rather peaceful with how the instructor conducted the session. maybe il try yoga as well...

listen to me now babble about this and that. i hate this funk... just hate it. im SOOOOO tempted now to get me a new york's finest from yellow cab and just devour the son of a bitch! guess my appetite is back.

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