Monday, October 27, 2008

the unapology

i desperately needed a friend yesterday. after going through my list, i decided to ask you since you have been my friend the longest. funny now that i think of it, despite knowing you all this time, i still had second thoughts of whether or not to contact you then. it was probably because i already knew in the back of my mind that you will not be there for me anyways, so why even bother? but i texted you still, hoping that i was wrong.

funny. it seems like i think clearer when i am in distress. i guess emotions like this quiets out all the rationalization i used to do when i am calm and sober.

i said that i will be at MOA, alone. you replied that maybe you'll bump into me later. i texted you that i was leaving soon. you never bothered to answer back.

despite its huge expanse, MOA did not feel like the largest mall in this part of the world. in a span of a few minutes, even with efforts to walk as slowly as possible, i was still able to traverse its entirety. it never felt smaller. the walk that was supposed to tire me out and distract my mind from thinking these unsavory thoughts did nothing. i even had to go through the same stores i went into TWICE, just so that i can say that i really tried to get myself distracted. i even went into the supermarket and did groceries. but things were not getting better for me. i was trying to loose myself in the throng of people there but even in the chaos, i still felt like i stood out like a sore thumb. even while lost in a sea of thousands, i still felt very much on my own. i check my phone regularly, hoping that you would make yourself felt. i wasn't even bothering mysefl that you would show up, but was just hoping that you would ask how i was, or even bother to inquire what was the matter... but my phone remained silent.

maybe God knew i had enough. i suddenly got a message from mark, my newest friend. he asked me all the questions i was expecting from you. i replied that i was at MOA alone. mark replied, so was he, would i want to meet up and maybe have dinner? i was already preparing to go home but took the oppurtunity to share a moment with a friend. it would have been better if it was you, for old times sake, but you were nowhere to be found.

a meeting point was arranged.

not sooner after mark confirmed did you text in to know where i was. i told you i was going to meet someone now. suddenly, you became highly interested and barrraged me with remarks and sly questions. why the sudden curiosity now that i found company?

i left MOA with mark, desperate to distance myself from the mall, the chaos, you. i guess part of me was starting to feel resentful already since i felt that friends should treat each other better. that depsite the label, you don't seem to have ever acted as one to me. mark noticed my change of demeanor and asked what was it that was bothering me. i told him about you and about me questioning whether you were true or even worth it. he gave me kind words... something you shouldn't expect from new friends, or even ppl his age since he was YEARS your junior. wisdom, i guess he earned through living and feeling for others.

we had dinner. i had fun. we talked, chided and basically hung out like how friends should. we then decided to have coffee. you texted me again asking where i was and if i wanted to have coffee with you. i said i was already doing so with mark. you asked if u cud join. i said ok.

i felt that i needed to brief mark about you. i could feel it in my bones of what would transpire when u showed up.

not long after, you walked in. u sat with us and proceeded to do what you do best... talk about yourself. i had to push my disappointement down and keep a straight face. you talked and talked and talked, only briefly interrupting your monologue to ask about mark and then effortlessly glide the topic back about you. i sighed internally. it's pretty apparent now.... it was crystal clear what you were and how i fit in your life. mark had to text me just to let me know how he felt, this despite the fact that he was sitting beside me. thankfully, u saw someone you knew and ran off to greet him. i took your brief absence as an oppurtunity to apologize to mark. sorry that he had to behold you in your finest display of narcissism. he pitied me.

i used mark as an excuse to end the meeting, i told you that he needed to get home since he still had work the next day, which was true. we said our goodbyes and you said that you will be in greenhills tomorrow. i said i had to work, but i really wanted to say i didn't care even if you were flying off to the moon. i have had enough.

i dropped off mark and he texted me later that night that he had fun and that i shouldn't feel so bad about you.

you texted me later as well that it was nice to see me and that i didn't look depressed at all. YOU KNEW I WAS DEPRESSED YET DID NOTHING TO ADDRESS IT BUT INSTEAD TALKED ABOUT YOURSELF!!!??? wow.... the camel's back broke right there and then.

you told me that you are there for me, i laughed. i hesitated but told you not you never were. you thought that i was kidding but i was dead serious. you then started texting me again at 1am, didn't really bother you that i could be sleeping already. you asked if i would like to talk but i knew this "talk" would just be all about you. i said no. i said i will be fine. i said i am now used to helping myself. you said that a friend always helps. i replied point blankly that the oppurtunity came and went already. too late now. you then became upset. you then said that if i didnt want to be friends, then i should just say it. i told you that i never burn bridges. i wanted to tell you off, i wanted to let you know that i felt that you were a parasite, but to do so would be acting out of spite and i didnt want to end things in hate. i just told you that i was exhausted and had nothing more to give to you. that i hoped you dont hate me for i tried to be the best friend i could possibly be to you. but before i could finish, you said goodbye.

i kept my phone nearby just in case you might try to make amends or even just try to communicate but again, it stayed silent. i went to sleep hurting and sad. i never liked the feeling of causing other people ill feelings... be they deserving or not. i wanted so bad to apologize but i reminded myself that i have to teach ppl how to treat me and to text you would mean it was alright being your doormat.

i woke up this morning, still feeling bad and thinking whether or not what i did was right. but then i realized, this was just the peacemaker voice in me that didnt want conflict, even at the expense of my own pride and dignity.

so i will stay away. i will own my actions and say what you pre-empted saying last night. goodbye. you never really heared me out. you never really were a friend to me.


Trip said...

very sad to realize that a friend did not turn out to be as what is expected and there's just nothing we can do. i guess the best thing to do next time is to expect less.

the christmas season is here and the jitters could be creeping from all over especially if u r use to have someone under ur wings. but hey, happiness is all in the mind so cheer up. ;)

hope ur fine now. :)

jamie da vinci! said...

i am better now. met up with friends from school and toured them around divisoria to buy xmas decor. it was definitely a good break from yesterday.

thanks for the cheer. i really appreciate it.

dabo said...

okay maybe im guilty of burning bridges and sometimes good at it and not half as good to had my say on this particular journal entry..

but stay away from people of bad character.. regardless of your definition of friendship..

jamie da vinci! said...

blame it on the idealist in me. if you always believe that you can milk the honey from the bee, well, prepared to get stung every now and then.

i just have to get used to being stung.