realizations

found myself restless these past few days. i tried not to address it, hoping that it was just probably nothing. but as the days went by, it grew stronger. almost to the point wherein my restlessness felt like there was an urgency to it.

ignoring it didn't work, so i tried resolving it but loading myself with things to do. gym, work, gym, kickboxing, pilates, blogging.... almost to the point of over fatigue... but the restlessness was still there. it never went away.

i found myself this afternoon wandering the expanse of mall of asia. kuya is currently in nepal roughing it with the yaks and the sherpas for two weeks so i have weekends alone till his return. maybe that's the reason i'm restless... hmmm?

****

"are you still depressed? don't worry little girl, big girl is here for you."

"but you never are." i couldn't help it but reply out of sheer exhaustion. i was tired of playing, tired of being strong, tired of being the good friend, tired of being the go-to guy. just tired. people have told me before to distance myself from you. you were bad news, but i didn't really believe that. i said you were just misunderstood, that you are indeed kind and considerate and pleasant. but you let me down today.... and proved all the things that people tell me of you right. this is what i get for believing in people.

****

when you enlarge your capacity to accommodate other ppl, why can't they do the same for you? when you anchor urself deeper, make urself stronger so you can be a pillar of support, why can't they do the same for you? when you give them the care they wish, the help they need, the praise they long, why can't they do the same for you? why? maybe because they finally got what they wanted and your concerns, really, shouldn't be anyone else's problem.

****

someone once told me that blogging is a form of ego tripping. not merely a form of self expression but is also a way one strokes his idea of self worth. one writes apparently, not just to convey ideas and contribute to the general consciousness, but write as well to be read. allow me to add another. i write to read. i write my thoughts out so that in the future, when i am old and grey, that i have a documentation that i did walk this earth, that while i was a transient resident, that my life had meaning and that i lived it to the best way i knew how.

****

today i realized that i have a lot anxieties for the future.
today i realized that i actually have fewer friends that i had expected.
today i realized that people behave like total neaderthals, uneducated, uncivilized, inconsiderate morons when put in the presence of celebrities.
today i realized that i am cynical for a reason.
today i realized that i actually have limitations, and that other people have limitations too.
today i realized that i need love.
today i realized that i have to love myself, because no one will do it for you.
today i realized that i still have a lot of things to do to be truly happy.
today i realized that i need to simplify my life again.
today i realized that all i need to be happy, i already have.