breaking at the seams

"... you sometimes behave like a lunatic!"

i had to give myself time for this phrase to sink in. i honestly don't know how to deal with it really. part of me wanted to forget and just move on, dismiss the whole incident that led to the release of this phrase, but part of me wanted to dwell on it some more, and see if there is really any truth in it.

was driving to run errands for work this rainy wednesday morning. it was cold, it was wet, it was depressing... just the perfect scenario to crawl back into bed and just enjoy the weather. being the freelancer that i am however meant that such indulgence was not to be, work had to be done and by the time i was ready to hate myself for being on the road, i was already half way to quezon city. the drive at least was not as stressful. the rain coupled with it being a national holiday did the trick in banishing away every living soul (well, probably not EVERY living soul) from the streets.

during the drive, i played back my morning in my head. i did so over and over again, dissecting each moment and try to rationalize why i did what i did. of course, my views were rather biased but i tried to see it from another point of view. did i really over react? if so, why did i over react? can i change my response next time something similar happens? all these questions ran through my head while i zigzagged past pot holes and skidding pedicabs on my way to my destination.

i never hid the fact that i am emotional. i get affected by things rather easily, some things more than others. of the emotions i do exhibit, lately, i have been expressing my anger more. though unlike full blown rage like someone i know (volcanic eruptions i tell yah!), i would think that i let off my steam in manageable bouts. it is just unfortunate for some that during those moments, i also loose all focus and just snap at the nearest person to snap at. this morning, i believe was one of those moments. a series of events that transpired during the start of my day led to a culminating "straw" that led me to "break my camel back", to the point that i needed to vent. my venting however was not viewed as such and i, instead, received a harsh reprimand and was eventually addressed the phrase i have had written above.

my usual reaction to such would have been to get even more irritated, but i think once u have built up enough steam and have had ur release, u start to loose pressure and begin to cool down. i was still irate but i did not want to argue anymore. i did however feel severely uneasy, particularly because i could not explain myself and defend what i did, why i did it. though i do not think that what i did was right, still, to me, it was not just a mere outburst. i could not form words in my head but deep inside, i knew why i had to do it, never mind if it was disproportionate. ratios can be learned later on anyways....

i have been a very apt pupil of repression 101. so much so that i have molded a greater part of who i am around this skill of hiding. of course, i later found out that you cannot hide forever and that eventually, you would need to come out of your mole-hole and face the sun. addressing my issues was hard to do but life had it that i was thrust into the midst of chaos and was made to deal with it, and deal with it fast if i wanted to survive. years later, i am still learning stuff about myself. some good, some not so good, but at least i know this is the real me and not something make-believe just to make me more likable to people. i sometimes feel hurt when people tell me that i have changed for the worse, that i am different from the jamie they once knew. i tell them though that this is the jamie ever since, i was just too chicken then to show you. i have lost people because of this "reinvention", but i too have also gained a few.

so, which scenario and i going thru now? repression leading to behavioral changes which leads to constipated emotions which may lead to disproportionate outbursts? or dealing with repression which leads to self discovery which may reveal underlying temper which may have momentary flare ups? hmmm....