had another heart to heart talk last night with the BIG man, my kuya, about life, well, my life in general, well, actually, specifically, what i'm doing now with it. since i came back from dubai last november, i can't really say i have been the most productive. sure, there was a point during those past few weeks after i got back where i though that i needed a vacation, a break from all the stress from work. but then again, i remember now that i wasn't really stressed at all. you see, when you QUIT from the source of your frustration, you immediately sense relief. coming back to manila was the ultimate stress buster. manila was the "cherry on the top" holiday. now, 4 months later, the cherry has rotted and manila now poses as a knot in my stomach. i realized that despite having worked for almost 2 years abroad, now that i'm back, i'm basically back to square one and it's frightening.
"so, what do you want to do?", kuya asked me and i could not answer. i really couldn't. i was at a lost as to what it was that i wanted. i knew i wanted to do a lot of things but i really didn't know what they were. this definitely was not how i had envisioned myself when asked this ms. universe-esque question. i always thought that i would have a tunnel vision answer, straight to the point, clear and precise. yet what i had was a puff of smoke, ill defined and barely existent. now i was rattled to the core.
the discussion progressed to kuya doing what he does best, dissect and manage. exposed of my flaws and no way out, all i could do was sit there and listen while all my dirt was laid out in front of me. my constitution, rather, the lack thereof was assessed by the one person who i held in the highest regard. my, how small i felt. i had to hold on to what little dignity i had left in me to keep myself together and not go into an anxiety attack. as i sat there, all i could think of was "what is wrong with me? what am i going to do?" and in true me-fashion, i sunk into a feeling of utter doom.
the entire night was like a dream. my head felt like a balloon, empty and yet full at the same time. my life felt like a trap and there seems to be no freedom in sight. i know i have a knack for dramatics but i really think i need help. i feel like MONK, locked in with no way out in this insane world, not able to adapt, not able to cope.
dire as my situation may feel, i still however think that there is a part of me yet untouched by all this craziness that i have brought on to myself. the part that my superego has repressed for so long and who, honestly, could care less of the world and what it thinks. i just have to reach in deep enough and try to coax it out.
i have found comfort in surrounding myself with rules. following them made me feel that i am acceptable, more so, normal. to be good and and to be well liked was the ultimate goal, whatever the cost. i remember this now. it was the same feeling i had years ago when i decided to take up design after dropping my career as a therapist. i had the same feeling of lost. the same not knowing feeling as to what i wanted of my life and what i should do about it. now i am back here again. i am breathing shallow breaths, my heart is starting to race and the fear has come back to haunt me.