musings over dimsum

i'm getting ready for my halloween party tomorrow. it would be my first ever dress up halloween party and i am feeling a mixture of excitement and dread. excitement since this is the usual feeling one gets when you try something the first time, most especially knowing full well you're bound to have a blast. dread since my "costume" requires me to layer on loads of clothing, a last minute idea courtesy of melloida, that would require the least effort on my part to prepare but still convey a very uncharateriscally-me feel. i sure hope i don't melt under all of that ... more so, i sure hope people get what i will come as! scary!!!!

though i was tickled of seeing my image on the mirror as i did my dry run for tomorrow (details had to be ironed out you know), i did however have to ruin the fun by entertaining a thought that my rather ridiculous reflection elicited.

though not necessarily a depressing thought, it seemed like a pressing issue then and i would just like to throw the idea into the wind and see where it would land.

i found myself one day eating at a dimsum parlor in chinatown one morning. despite having grown tired of eating chinese, dimsum remains something i find difficult to give up, most especially when eaten as breakfast. nothing for me pampers the soul more than a steaming serving of dumplings or hakaw, paired with a hot pot of jasmine tea. anyways, as i was savoring my morning meal, i took notice of my environs.

the parlor was jammed packed with people, most of them fresh from tai chi. groups of ladies and men from different associations, all sharing an age old tradition of dimsum. i sat there alone on my table, the youngest of the lot, and watched them cackle away like chickens in a coop, laughing, gossiping, arguing. they teased each other in fookien about their latest aches and pains and who's condition was the worse. they talked about current events and where best to invest their money in. they competed to grab the bill as it came, claiming it was their turn to pay and threatening ill fate to whoever would disagree, jokingly of course. this is the usual atmosphere in almost every dimsum parlor you go to in the morning, a sea of activity almost of market place intensity. yet amidst this lively display sits another group of people, barely noticeable. they sit quietly on their tables, almost like they are oblivious of what's happening around them. you often find them at the tables at the farthest ends of the parlor, either dining alone or in a shared table with fellows like them. these are the lau a-pe's and lau ang-kongs, the old parlor patrons.

i watched these stoic old men and wondered how i would be when i reach their age. i pondered what fate would have in store for when when i too am like them? would i find myself in their shoes as well, what ever it was? will i be happy? content? successful? would i be alone? would there be a family i would have raised? would i have children then to call my own or even grandchildren? would i have someone to take care of me when i am old and grey? were these things valid for me to think about, knowing full well that my situation is different? will i be a disappointment since the family line could end with me?

suddenly, my dumplings and hakaw tasted flat. too bad there was no one with me to compete in paying the bill.

these were my fears.

angkor had the same. we both work to save.

mark said we should open a home for the aged, gay and fabulous.

i don't mind the idea... i don't think i would want to be old and alone. i just hope that they leave the decorating to me.

a series of (un) connected events

i originally fell in "love" with the actor, who wouldn't with a face like that? but found myself falling in love with the story more, who wouldn't with a plot like that?

"If we can love someone so much,
how will we be able to handle it one day
when we are separated?
And if being separated is a part of life,
and you know about separation well,
is it possible that we can love someone
and never be afraid of losing them?
[Or,] is it possible that we can live our entire life
without loving at all?"

though not really the drama queen people think i ought to be, i couldn't hold back the emotions while i sat in my chair and watched "love of siam" for the first time last weekend. i guess it felt rather appropriate since it voiced out a lot of the anxieties i have tried to bury in. anxieties that, in my moments of disinhibition, surface and just leave me all messed up.

one of my issues finally found its outlet and this movie got it full out in the open. it was rather a handful to handle quite honestly, too much for a weakling like me to bear in one go. that would probably explain why i found myself yet again, "running away" to the mall, the largest the country could offer, to loose myself. but with revelation comes clarity i suppose. with one cat out of the bag, one finds more room to actually move around, and breath, and think... think better. see clearer.

****

i found a message left by angkor last night. he said he was having a bad day. i sent him an SMS asking what was the matter (... peanut butter, irritatingly corny but an effective way of defusing anything). as i figured, it was work related. our worlds are becoming more and more parallel by the day.

we chatted for a bit, being "briefly" interrupted by my client calling me on my mobile.

he teased me that maybe my client had the hots for me. i responded that he's just jealous that my appeal is for mass patronage :) out of the blue, he asked if i watch pink films, to which i replied, yes. i told him about "love of siam" and how i simply just loved the movie. turns out, angkor was in love with it too. like opposite reflections touching the surface of a still pool, we connected. once again, we were on common ground.

****

"hello? dih ti to-loh lo ah?"
(where are you now?)

"tayuman. ka-nah?"
(tayuman, why?)

"bo-ah. qui dit bo tih'ia tio di e sya. di be' toh lay beh? di be kih gym pa ba?"
(nothing, just haven't heard from you the entire day. are you on you way home? are you still going to the gym?)

"hoh. pero gua be to kih tze."
(yes, but i'll go home first.)

"ok."

"ok."

mom doing what she uncannily does best, being (over) protective of her brood. her sense of smell for things amiss is legendary. i was fine, but she just needed to hear it from me. i don't think she believes me though.

****

on every seventh year, the israelites celebrate the sabbath year, the year of rest. understand this, a FULL year of rest. after seven sabbath years (49 years later), they celebrate the year of the jubilee (year 50), heralded by the sounding of a ram's horn on the tenth day of the seventh month, the day of atonement. on this year, all men in slavery were set free and all lost inheritance was returned to him.

"in present significance, to celebrate the year of the jubilee is to live each day without anxieties, no worries, no lack, no shortage, no sickness, no calamity, no problems. but rather, having all benefits and all things satisfying to our hearts. this for God is our daily jubilee. Christ had freed us from slavery and have made Himself as our everlasting inheritance to enjoy. "

a friend texted this to me this morning. just found it rather timely.

smiling

its day two now and i can't believe i am still a tad bit upset. despite all my efforts not to think about what transpired last sunday, i still find myself going over the events. forward, backward, then forward again, like watching a movie with remote control at hand. it's seriously tiring but i somehow cannot get myself to stop. will try to preoccupy myself with tasks, hopefully this will free me from this rather pathetic inertia.

****

i found myself seemingly not myself today. i was functioning yet i didn't feel like i was really there. i felt detached, distant, almost like having an out-of-body experience. the day was still early but i was already fatigued like i haven't had sleep in weeks. my movement was heavy and everything just felt awkward. driving was also particularly taxing to the point that i got myself clipped by a truck but never really bothered to see what the damage was. i simply drove off and proceeded with my day.

there was no emotions today, not happiness, not anger, not even sadness. all i felt was a void actually, a lingering nothingness where something that once made me tick, well, used to be. to be honest, the only concrete feeling i had this entire day was the feeling of hunger. i was hunting the grounds of glorietta and SM for something and wouldn't allow myself to stop for lunch. i swear my innards were already liquefying from my stomach acids but i just wouldn't quit. to the point that my stubborness won and the pain eventually subsided. i did eat however a few minutes later. spicy tuna sashimi and really bad beef curry. neither my stomach nor i were impressed.

not soon after i was on the road again. went to my construction site to check on things. they were pouring in concrete today for the building's foundations. the sky was gloomy and it started to rain.... it started to rain really hard. my nonchalance couldn't have come at a worse time, i said to myself, which i also texted mark about. here i was, stranded out in the rain, at a construction site... surrounded by half naked bronzen construction workers.... all dripping wet.... sigh.... what is a gay man to do?

God certainly was trying His best to cheer me up.

****

food and friends, what can be a better combination? i tried to count my blessings over the past few days, just to make myself realize, truly, that i do have everything i need to be happy. probably one of the best that i have are memories shared with friends over a good plate (or plates) of food. i recall richie and our heart to heart over breakfast at delifrance on salcedo about my role in life and what the future holds for me. i recall having a blast with macoi and melloida at fu kui, this chinese resto, and how these two clowns lambasted the mainland accent. i recall home cooked adobo with vikki in our small flat in dubai while we ate at the floor, too poor to afford furniture. i remember leni and her crispy corned beef and how it made me cry. i recall fran and the entire gang being balled over by her excellent thai cooking, despite her being swiss. i recall my brother, laughing his head off while we shared a bottle of rose wine. i recall making sweet cous cous for ozgur and how he finished it all, despite the fact that he is not fond of sweet food. i recall rosemary and surya while gorging over some hot steamy masala. i recall meyer and starbucks one rainy night along banaue. i recall mark and his fascination with a pink colored quek quek.... which eventually led to what transpired on sunday.

food and friends.... damn. i sure have loads of memories with them. funny. i can't seem to remember any with you. hahahahahaha!!!!

OK, i'm SOOOOO better now!

the unapology

i desperately needed a friend yesterday. after going through my list, i decided to ask you since you have been my friend the longest. funny now that i think of it, despite knowing you all this time, i still had second thoughts of whether or not to contact you then. it was probably because i already knew in the back of my mind that you will not be there for me anyways, so why even bother? but i texted you still, hoping that i was wrong.

funny. it seems like i think clearer when i am in distress. i guess emotions like this quiets out all the rationalization i used to do when i am calm and sober.

i said that i will be at MOA, alone. you replied that maybe you'll bump into me later. i texted you that i was leaving soon. you never bothered to answer back.

despite its huge expanse, MOA did not feel like the largest mall in this part of the world. in a span of a few minutes, even with efforts to walk as slowly as possible, i was still able to traverse its entirety. it never felt smaller. the walk that was supposed to tire me out and distract my mind from thinking these unsavory thoughts did nothing. i even had to go through the same stores i went into TWICE, just so that i can say that i really tried to get myself distracted. i even went into the supermarket and did groceries. but things were not getting better for me. i was trying to loose myself in the throng of people there but even in the chaos, i still felt like i stood out like a sore thumb. even while lost in a sea of thousands, i still felt very much on my own. i check my phone regularly, hoping that you would make yourself felt. i wasn't even bothering mysefl that you would show up, but was just hoping that you would ask how i was, or even bother to inquire what was the matter... but my phone remained silent.

maybe God knew i had enough. i suddenly got a message from mark, my newest friend. he asked me all the questions i was expecting from you. i replied that i was at MOA alone. mark replied, so was he, would i want to meet up and maybe have dinner? i was already preparing to go home but took the oppurtunity to share a moment with a friend. it would have been better if it was you, for old times sake, but you were nowhere to be found.

a meeting point was arranged.

not sooner after mark confirmed did you text in to know where i was. i told you i was going to meet someone now. suddenly, you became highly interested and barrraged me with remarks and sly questions. why the sudden curiosity now that i found company?

i left MOA with mark, desperate to distance myself from the mall, the chaos, you. i guess part of me was starting to feel resentful already since i felt that friends should treat each other better. that depsite the label, you don't seem to have ever acted as one to me. mark noticed my change of demeanor and asked what was it that was bothering me. i told him about you and about me questioning whether you were true or even worth it. he gave me kind words... something you shouldn't expect from new friends, or even ppl his age since he was YEARS your junior. wisdom, i guess he earned through living and feeling for others.

we had dinner. i had fun. we talked, chided and basically hung out like how friends should. we then decided to have coffee. you texted me again asking where i was and if i wanted to have coffee with you. i said i was already doing so with mark. you asked if u cud join. i said ok.

i felt that i needed to brief mark about you. i could feel it in my bones of what would transpire when u showed up.

not long after, you walked in. u sat with us and proceeded to do what you do best... talk about yourself. i had to push my disappointement down and keep a straight face. you talked and talked and talked, only briefly interrupting your monologue to ask about mark and then effortlessly glide the topic back about you. i sighed internally. it's pretty apparent now.... it was crystal clear what you were and how i fit in your life. mark had to text me just to let me know how he felt, this despite the fact that he was sitting beside me. thankfully, u saw someone you knew and ran off to greet him. i took your brief absence as an oppurtunity to apologize to mark. sorry that he had to behold you in your finest display of narcissism. he pitied me.

i used mark as an excuse to end the meeting, i told you that he needed to get home since he still had work the next day, which was true. we said our goodbyes and you said that you will be in greenhills tomorrow. i said i had to work, but i really wanted to say i didn't care even if you were flying off to the moon. i have had enough.

i dropped off mark and he texted me later that night that he had fun and that i shouldn't feel so bad about you.

you texted me later as well that it was nice to see me and that i didn't look depressed at all. YOU KNEW I WAS DEPRESSED YET DID NOTHING TO ADDRESS IT BUT INSTEAD TALKED ABOUT YOURSELF!!!??? wow.... the camel's back broke right there and then.

you told me that you are there for me, i laughed. i hesitated but told you not you never were. you thought that i was kidding but i was dead serious. you then started texting me again at 1am, didn't really bother you that i could be sleeping already. you asked if i would like to talk but i knew this "talk" would just be all about you. i said no. i said i will be fine. i said i am now used to helping myself. you said that a friend always helps. i replied point blankly that the oppurtunity came and went already. too late now. you then became upset. you then said that if i didnt want to be friends, then i should just say it. i told you that i never burn bridges. i wanted to tell you off, i wanted to let you know that i felt that you were a parasite, but to do so would be acting out of spite and i didnt want to end things in hate. i just told you that i was exhausted and had nothing more to give to you. that i hoped you dont hate me for i tried to be the best friend i could possibly be to you. but before i could finish, you said goodbye.

i kept my phone nearby just in case you might try to make amends or even just try to communicate but again, it stayed silent. i went to sleep hurting and sad. i never liked the feeling of causing other people ill feelings... be they deserving or not. i wanted so bad to apologize but i reminded myself that i have to teach ppl how to treat me and to text you would mean it was alright being your doormat.

i woke up this morning, still feeling bad and thinking whether or not what i did was right. but then i realized, this was just the peacemaker voice in me that didnt want conflict, even at the expense of my own pride and dignity.

so i will stay away. i will own my actions and say what you pre-empted saying last night. goodbye. you never really heared me out. you never really were a friend to me.

realizations

found myself restless these past few days. i tried not to address it, hoping that it was just probably nothing. but as the days went by, it grew stronger. almost to the point wherein my restlessness felt like there was an urgency to it.

ignoring it didn't work, so i tried resolving it but loading myself with things to do. gym, work, gym, kickboxing, pilates, blogging.... almost to the point of over fatigue... but the restlessness was still there. it never went away.

i found myself this afternoon wandering the expanse of mall of asia. kuya is currently in nepal roughing it with the yaks and the sherpas for two weeks so i have weekends alone till his return. maybe that's the reason i'm restless... hmmm?

****

"are you still depressed? don't worry little girl, big girl is here for you."

"but you never are." i couldn't help it but reply out of sheer exhaustion. i was tired of playing, tired of being strong, tired of being the good friend, tired of being the go-to guy. just tired. people have told me before to distance myself from you. you were bad news, but i didn't really believe that. i said you were just misunderstood, that you are indeed kind and considerate and pleasant. but you let me down today.... and proved all the things that people tell me of you right. this is what i get for believing in people.

****

when you enlarge your capacity to accommodate other ppl, why can't they do the same for you? when you anchor urself deeper, make urself stronger so you can be a pillar of support, why can't they do the same for you? when you give them the care they wish, the help they need, the praise they long, why can't they do the same for you? why? maybe because they finally got what they wanted and your concerns, really, shouldn't be anyone else's problem.

****

someone once told me that blogging is a form of ego tripping. not merely a form of self expression but is also a way one strokes his idea of self worth. one writes apparently, not just to convey ideas and contribute to the general consciousness, but write as well to be read. allow me to add another. i write to read. i write my thoughts out so that in the future, when i am old and grey, that i have a documentation that i did walk this earth, that while i was a transient resident, that my life had meaning and that i lived it to the best way i knew how.

****

today i realized that i have a lot anxieties for the future.
today i realized that i actually have fewer friends that i had expected.
today i realized that people behave like total neaderthals, uneducated, uncivilized, inconsiderate morons when put in the presence of celebrities.
today i realized that i am cynical for a reason.
today i realized that i actually have limitations, and that other people have limitations too.
today i realized that i need love.
today i realized that i have to love myself, because no one will do it for you.
today i realized that i still have a lot of things to do to be truly happy.
today i realized that i need to simplify my life again.
today i realized that all i need to be happy, i already have.

deliverance

silence surrounds me
like air on a summer's day
suffocating, thick.

my ears made unsheathe
listening to whisperings
of spirits amidst.

they say "come with us,
we will take it all away."
like sirens, they sang.

i sat still to wait
for their voices to die down.
i will not listen.

i hearkened a sound
clear, sharp, but soft like a breeze
calling out to me.

"i am, i have come
i will now deliver you
for you have called me."

in stillness, i wait
with great anticipation
for freedom is nigh!

mortality

"you should have more faith ma. look at sister liu, putting around like it's any ordinary day. she has stage 4 lung cancer ma, and radiation everyday. you should take her as your role model."

"but i don't have enough faith. i have very little."

"oh ma, between you and the rest of this family, i believe you have the most. don't worry, just think of it as just a normal procedure. nothing to worry about. you've done i before anyways so no more surprises."

"i'm just scared they might find something."

"no need to think like that, ma. you'll be fine."

i stood at the head of her bed as the doctors sedated her. her jaw trembled, then eventually fell still. i took a step back and sat on the chair the doctors provided for me, as they moved in to perform the procedure. i kept my gaze on the screen, unfazed at first. then, i felt the feeling inside my gut slowly creeping up. there was no need to keep a brave face since she was asleep now, she won't see me. i can now allow myself to fear.

she woke up a few minutes later after the procedure. i came up to her bedside and held her frail arm. i felt her sallow, thin skin under my calloused fingers. how loose the are now and cool to touch. i then gave her a faint smile and started to recount the events that transpired while she was asleep. she gazed back at me and nodded in agreement with my report then rested again. the sedative hasn't fully worn off yet.

we took separate rides home. she went with dad while i went off to check out one of my sites. the drive was strangely quiet. strange since i was already playing my house music at full volume.

blast from the past

while in the middle of doing my incline bench presses, look who suddenly pops in! my ex-model gym buddy. ex-gym buddy actually since it has been more than a month that he left our humble midst in search for greener pasture in a small country off the cusp of the Malaysian peninsula... yes, people, Singapore.

it was both a pleasure and a surprise to see him actually. my other gym bud keeps missing our workouts so i am most often left to hit the weights alone. though i am quite used to being autistic at gym, it still helps sometimes to have someone to keep u company.... added bonus na if he's also pleasant to look at, which my ex-model, ex-gym buddy is.

after the usual greetings (when did u get back? how have u been? yada, yada, yada), i noticed how much clearer his face has gotten. he had always had nice complexion, but he was extra glowing today. tight pores, nice coppery sheen to his skin and extra full pink lips... man, he looked beautiful. as he ran into the locker room to change, the ones left on the gym floor started to come abuzz, obviously talking about his sudden return. i did tell you guys before that gyms are where men go to gossip, gay or otherwise. "why is he back?", " wonder what happened?", "did u notice how prettier he looks now?", "i think he had a sex change! he looks like a girl!". the latter comment almost made me drop the dumbbells on my face. apparently, i was not the only one who noticed his extra attractiveness.

not being able to work out in the lion city had caused him his figure. though thankfully, he is not really the flabby type, he did loose a lot of the mass he gained while he was here. obviously frustrated with his shrinkage, he made a pact with me to slowly catch up to my routine. we were already lifting heavy back when we were working out together and i have continued with it even after he left. i have kept my mass, though am much leaner now. knowing full well that he is one determined chap when it comes to working out, i willingly obliged. at last i thought, someone to tandem with :)

he joined in with my chest workout today though, he did not lift as heavy since he was still trying to adjust after his month long hiatus. while we worked out, we chatted on his brief stint in singapore, about his experiences and well, basically everything else in between. i didn't bother asking him what prompted his premature return since i basically had an idea what it was already. we kept correspondence while he was away and he had opened up to me how homesick he was, and pretty much, how unhappy he was being away. he however mentioned nothing about this while we were at gym, but instead, kept raving about how much fun he had while being there. a split in personality? one side comes out during private conversations while the more jovial side when out in public?

he kept talking about how he's planning to go back maybe november or next year and find work again. i just smiled at him while he kept on with his soliloqy, trying my best to reserve judgement (which i am often guilty of passing out too quickly) and be as supportive as i possibly can. i advised him to use this time to do further research on what to do in singapore, maybe email his resume now since companies hire at the beginning of the year anyway. he could get interviewed now if a company finds him interesting. i also suggested that he models again. gave him a confidence boost that singaporeans, though health conscious and fit as hell, were never popular for their looks.... well, except for allan wu, of course. but he's from HK... anyway.... i'm not quite sure if my advice sunk into him, but i hope they did.

we finished our workout and got changed. while in the locker room, he did what he usually does in front of the mirror, flexing, trying to survey again which parts of his body he needed to work on. he regretted for loosing his hard worked mass. i stood there and took my shirt off to change. on doing so, i noticed his eyes dart towords me all of a sudden. a smirk grew in my head, though my face remained stoic... hay nako.... sabi na nga ba e. "ganda na ng katawan natin ah!" "hehehehe, dyan ko binuhos lahat ng sama ng loob ko, iniiwan nyo kasi akong lahat". our bantering was broken when another gym patron entered the room. we changed in silence. he waited for me to finish fixing my things and we left the gym together. we talked a bit more as we walked but nothing really that would have any double meaning to them. we eventually parted ways a few minutes later as he got himself into a pedicab while i took my usual stroll back home.

bonding

due to the remarks i have received from my previous post, ok, ok, i will revert back to posting in english. i don't want my friends to start dropping dead in front of me due to blood loss (ei, melloida) or severe vertigo (say mo, ann) just because they struggled to read my entry.

in fairness though, i miss writing in tagalog. there are just some stories better told in the native tongue. it somehow makes it sound more earthy and robust :) brace ursleves though if one day, il actually write in pinyin!!! hahahaha

found myself laughing my head off over dinner last night, courtesy of a bottle of pink rose wine. kuya and i had an unusually late dinner (we finished near 11) at felix after he finished off some stuff at work. he decided to order some wine to help calm him down a bit, since he was feeling a bit high strung. since the resto was empty except for the two of us, and i wasnt driving, i decided, what the hey, i wouldnt mind having some too.

the wine was light and smooth. quite pleasant actually. it didnt have that bold flavor i usually taste with other wines but it felt more like a floating goodness lingering in ur mouth with each sip. having it chilled made it taste even more delightful. since it was light, i didn't react to it as quickly so i still was able to have a full glass before i started to turn red. and u know when i turn red... all inhibitions start to get fuzzy as well.

i warned kuya that i was a happy drunk, that i might get a tad bit loud and well, happy-er :) he said he wouldn't mind, tonight was a night to unwind anyway.

this entry was supposed to be a long awaited food review of felix, currently my favorite resto. i have been gearing up to write something about it but decided after going through my past few posts and having a chat with mr. trip that i think i have to ease up on the food posts a bit. u guys might think of me of being a glutton na by now! :) so, i will leave my review of felix for another day. instead.. allow me to share some cherished memories that felix had a hand in creating for me.

tipsy (me) after my glass, my actions eventually started to get a bit more exaggerated. my voice got a bit louder, my laugh, harder, my demeanor, friendlier. it was at that moment when kuya and i started talking about family and our relatives. we exchanged stories of our travels and the things we saw and what else we would like to see. he talked about work and his colleuges, while i also shared on my projects and my clients. despite how the alcohol might have screwed up some of these recollections, i can still however say that what i felt that night was a genuine connection between two blood brothers. it made me realize and thankful my folks decided on having another one rather than stopping with him.... hehehe, the alcohol is obviosuly still talking.

mai peysles pren

disoras na bago akong nakatulog kagabi, nawili kasi sa pikikipag-chat kay angkor tungkol sa mga bagay bagay na wala namang koneksyon sa isa't isa. ganun siguro ang dahilan kung bakit ako naaaliw sa pakikipagsatsatan sa kanya, parang ang gaan kasi nyang kausap. maski na kung mapaseryoso man ang paksa, parang di sya gaanong kabigat kapag sya ang kakulitan.

ang ganda nga ng timing nya, since madalang nga kami magkita online. medyo bad trip ako kagabi kaya nagmistulang hulog ng langit ang pag-appear nya sa YM. di ko man kinuwento kung bakit ako naiinis, parang nailabas ko na rin lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya sa pamamagitan ng pagbibiro. ipinaliwanag ko sa kanya, maski di namin pinaguusapan, basta malibang lang ako, sinabi ko, maaayos rin ako. nirespeto din naman nya na ayaw kong syang pagusapan, nagbitaw na lamang sya ng abiso at tumuloy sa ibang paksa.

iba si angkor sa mga nakakausap ko online. sya pa lamang ang napansin ko na di nagmimistulang "emotional vampire" sa akin. madalas kasi, ako ang binabalingan ng sama ng loob at ako ang nagaaliw ng iba. di naman sa nagrereklamo, pero minsan, masarap rin na ako ang sinunuporta at inaaruga. pakiramdam ko, matatag si angkor. maninaw magisip, di sobrang emosyonal at may konting kapilyohan rin. dala siguro rin ito ng edad nya. iba rin talaga kapag marami ka nang pingadaanan. ito rin siguro ang dahilan kung bakit swabe lagi ang mga usapan namin. parehong wavelength kasi, feeling in-tune with each other's frequency ba?

di ko pa nakikita ang mukha ni angkor. sa mga pabiro kong paghingi ng facepic ay magaling nya itong iniilagan. ok lang naman, di naman sobrang importante ang hitsura sa akin. maganda lang kasi na buo ang pagkatao ng kausap ko, lalo n'ang cyber friend. napabuti man ng teknolohiya ang buhay natin ay, sa aking palagay, nagsilbing balakid naman ito sa maayos na pikikipagugnayan ng mga tao.... pero, ibang storya na 'yun. konswelo de bobo ko na lamang siguro kay angkor na maski di ko sya nakikita e nararamdaman ko naman ang pagkatao nya. minabuti ko nalang na bigyan muna sya ng kathang-mukha sa isipan ko, hinulma sa mga karanasan ko sa pakikipagusap sa kanya. binigyan ko sya ng mukha ng isang mabuting kaibigan.

to forgive is human, but to eat is divine!

hi, my name is jamiedavinci, and i'm an emotional eater and a foodaholic!

found myself stuffing my face with this monstrosity of a dessert, dunkin donut's super sized choco wacko. came from rockwell mall today rather upset and just seething inside actually. i know, i know, i shouldn't get so emotional anymore since i AM trying to be more in control of my feelings, but what happened to be, i felt, was just a low blow! and condsidering all things i have put myself under already, i feel i really didn't deserve this.

of course, i could be all irrational right now so, out of SELF CONTROL, i will no longer elaborate, rather, id bury my face into another one of these sinfully deadly pastries! ah, chocolate... ur my only friend....

kuya and i met up at rockwell for lunch after we had our workout morning. i was having my muaythai and pilates while he was having his pilates and badminton (my, have we become active, noh?) anyways, rockwell tent is currently holding "the pink kitchen", a food fair involving about 50 or so food establishments and celebrity chefs for the benefit of breast cancer research. for the small price of P200, u can go in and partake in this food lovers orgy, all for a good cause.

other than the food, kuya wanted to also scratch his shutterbug itch and toy around more with his new cam. i on the other hand was just curious (and hungry) and went there for the plain and simple reason of being satieted. the place was packed since the ad campaign for the effent was pretty aggressive. being held at rockwell, i found the place to be rather packed with the metro's who's who, sadly tho... no celebrity sighting today (chef pengson and maritoni fernandez were there tho, but i'm still deliberating if they're considered celebrity.)

the food we evenually got as from this stall called "kitchen O". we got kapampangan paella, adobo rice, tapa (for me, hehehe) and binagoongang lechon kawali. the food was ok, not really spectacular but ok. i found the tapa a bit tough and the other viands, well, unremarkable. to be honest, i actually had a better experience downing the coke zero i was having. it was sooooo cold and the place was soooo hot.

pink kitchen runs until tomorrow. go and see if u find something ul like. i already have mine.... now where's that f***ing donut!!!

a sweaty, bitter, salty, sour, sweet day

was reading GQ magazine the other day about this one particular guy who owns at least 40 pairs of black lacoste polo collared shirts, stating they should be a staple of any man's wardrobe. i wouldn't say it should be a staple since each shirt could easily cost you 4,000 pesos, but i would agree, a black collared shirt can be quite versatile. dressed up, down, passed around, the collared black shirt is like the man's little black dress.

taking note of this one fact, i decided to wear my black shirt today to work. unfortunately, my budget cannot afford me 40 pairs of lacoste shirts, hell, i can't even afford 1, so an old t-shirt would have to do for now. it's been stored away for some time now and i really dont know why i had opted not to wear it. no sooner after wearing it did i find out... black shirts make me uncomfortable warm and sweaty. curses.... together with blazers, long sleeved shirts and layering, here's another article of clothing i will not have the chance to enjoy unless i live in a cooler country!

****

trained with bax today for pilates on the cadillac. again, he had fun with the "on air" series. i told him that i have noticed an improvement in my posture. though i am still a bit kyphotic, i told him that i am now more aware when i'm slouching and get to correct it immediately. i also noticed that i walk taller now as compared to before. all of this by just maintaining simple positions and playing with springs.... i never got any of these benefits when i was at the gym.

as i finished my session for the day, one of the sweet receptionists greeted me in passing and said, in a jesting way that she was leaving for the last time. not really understanding if this was a joke, i confirmed with her again... then people started crying. you know the feeling when you accidentally broke something and don't know how to fix it? that was how i felt...

it's sad to see people go, most especially when you have already grown accustomed to seeing their faces day in and day out. but change, like all things, is a fact of life. things move and, well, people get let go. i sincerely hope better things are in store for her.... such a sweet girl she was.

****

melloida invited me to the opening (finally) of the project that was causing her sleepless nights and severe constipation. HP plus together with Med Express is now finally open to serve at the concourse level of the power plant mall in rockwell.

i arrived a tad bit too early for the opening and decided to grab a quick bite since i still havent had lunch. i decided pizza sounded good and walked over to CPK. lucky me, they have a new product, adobo pizza, that sounded quite yummy.... 1 order please, i immediately said to my server.

not long after, the pan arrived. chicken adobo nga i said! bits of chicken breast, resting on a thin crust pan of onions, capsicums, spices and mozzarella. i couldn't wait! i bit, i tasted, chewed, swirled, chewed some more, then swallowed. ay..... di pala sya ganun kasarap.

dont get me wrong, it wasnt BAD, but it wasnt good either. in my opinion, the adobo pizza at wheatberry near roces in QC is still the best. CPK's version is a far second. edible but almost makes u wonder where the adobo-ness comes in. i eventually found myself showering every slice with chili flakes, it at least made it taste a bit more special.

after lunch, i thought of having yogurt for dessert. frozen yogurt is currently becoming the craze as of the moment and more and more varieties are starting to pop up around the metro. lulu belle is this one store located on the top floor of powerplant mall, near the chapel. owned by the same ppl that brought us FIC, fro-yo, as the ameri-CANS say it, is only a logical upgrade, though FIC have already carried yogurt ice cream for some time now. being also the ever efficient worker that i am, having lulu belle was also research as i am working on a project that also deal with the same food group. can't say what it is for now but sure enuf, when things are realized, i will share :)


anyway.... lulu belle's interiors was definitely delightful. cute, bright and well, very cute. the yogurt on the other hand, well, from the ppl who brought us FIC, i honestly expected more. i didn't quite like the texture of the yogurt as it really did feel frozen, almost like shaved ice or super cold slurpee from 7-11. the taste was so-so, quite sweet actually. i rather have mine tarty since that's what yogurt is supposed to taste like. they were rather generous on the servings though, as well as with the toppings. i had blueberry since i wanted to compare. sadly also, my blueberry was not pleasant.. not even a bit. i really wouldn't mind throwing my purchase away due to the disappointment but the cheap skate in me would not hear of it. so i ate...and walked, and ate.

mental note: california berry is way better.... bitin lang nga. small portions, smaller topping serving and more expensive pa. sungit pa the servers.... california berry is located at silver city mall, somewhere near the carpark level.... hehehehe.


went to see melloida after that. twas nice seeing her all dressed up, fresh and happy. the bain of her existence is finally over, and it shows. she was glowing in her zara ensemble of lapis lazuli blue. i didn't bother to hobnob with ppl there. everyone was all dressed up while i was in a shirt and jeans lang. it was enough that i showed my face and mel seeing that i supported her. besides, i never really liked mingling. did however saw this interesting guy who was checking me out ;) stealing glances pa... buking naman! hahahaha!

food blog number 1: LING NAM, P. ALONZO

i thought of adding a new feature to my write ups this morning while i was (again) meandering the streets of downtown manila. while swimming in humidity and weaving in and out of nasty dark alleys and overcrowded sidewalks, i thought of taking a break and treat myself to some good old comfort food. i am still in quite a celebratory mood after getting out of my funk, and thought what would make this day even better was a nice hot bowl of noodles. contrary to what people may think, not all chinese people are sick of eating chinese food, noodles most especially.

though i wouldn't mind having a nice piece of steak or even a burger (try the aloha burger of jollibee!!!), nothing still can compare with the emotions elicited by a hot bowl of la mien. since i was already at alonzo (downtown manila's hardware capital), might as well go to ling nam and have their (in)famous beef noodles. to those of you who are not in the know of noodle history in the country, ling nam would be one of two places to go to to sample good old fashion mami, just the way it was served when them golden strands first appeared on these city streets back during the day. ling nam is a bit more modern now with branches in greenhills and in some of the larger malls but this shop along alonzo is station 1, ground zero, the place where it all began.

entering through its doors feels like being transported back to the 50's, very retro if i may say so myself. old world charm surrounds you, from the furniture to the tiled walls. apart from the nostalgia of times forgotten, u also find urself stewing in hot soup fumes and steaming buns since the kitchen is right out in the open.


i always order the same stuff whenever i am there, just like almost every patron that comes to ling nam, which is probably what made it last this long, the recipe never changes. i got me a bowl of beef noodles, 2 siomai's and lotus buns (to take home for mom). the noodles taste exactly the same and just the way i like it, light and fine. the beef soup was highly flavorful with the aftertaste of anise seed and the siomai, well, was expensive (P25 per piece) but almost velvety in texture. the lotus buns, to put it simply is a hybrid of the siopao and the moon cake. steamed white bun with lotus paste and a yolk as the filling, sweet and salty at the same time. perfect when eaten with the beef soup base in my opinion.

my beef noodles with chopsticks ready!

my pricey siomai. pardon the bite, i was super hungry na!

anyway... as far as chinatown noodles go, ling nam is WAY up my roster. its longevity in the food biz is tetstament to the fact that consistency is important. i have an uncle who comes from the province just to buy LOADS of siomai, some frozen just that he has some to steam at home. of course, this is not something that only ling nam possess here in chinatown, there is also the equally historic masuki, as well as panciteria lido, but that's for another day and another blog :)

angkor

i was working late last night (worry not, this entry is not to rant, though knowing how aimless my writing is, it always helps to be alert), since i had to email my partner details for a project we are working on over YM when he popped in. it's been a while since i last saw angkor (i think this pseudo will suit him quite well) online. he usually logs in and out at the weirdest of times so our conversations, on the occasions we actually do have one, are often short with long intervals in between.

i dont usually start conversations over YM since i have this habit of thinking that people online have more important things to do rather than chat with me. so what i do is i just make myself visible and leave it to them to whether or not message me first, out of courtesy ba? anyway, last night, i decided to say hi first, he immediately reciprocated with a warm hello. like how it is always with us, our conversation became rather lively after the plesantries. i have always liked chats with angkor, particularly since they almost always feel like talks people have over a nice cup of coffee. he travels quite a lot with his work so you could only imagine how diverse our topics get. last night, he mentioned to me that his company was sending him to europe, deutchland to be exact. he's then planning to take a side trip to paris for a couple of days before heading back home. he then asked me if i could give him any advice on his trip since it was his first time traveling to europe. knowing me, i had TONS of advice, an accumulated smorgasbord of bits from people ive talked to before, things i have read, seen and theorized. they may not be personal experiences but i sure sound like they are.

i told him to bring warm clothes for one. its fall now, turning to winter, and unless you're a polar bear (like me) then you will not take pleasure of the nippy chill, nor seeing your piss steam as u use the john (but that's another story). i also adviced him to soak in as much culture as he can, u only get to go to europe so often, might as well make the most of it. he said he's gonna go food tripping and sample the sausages and wines in germany and france. he's skipping the nighlife since he said he's not really the adventurous type. he then mentioned something that got me to fall off my chair... he was visiting the louvre (i have a fridge magnet of it, a gift from a friend who went, that i stare at everytime). the palace museum, in paris, in fall, in fashionable winter clothing.... how perfect is that?

our chat eventually crossed over to stories about me, about my travels and dubai and my recent encounters with the funk. stories of my heritage, christmas and how awful it is to shop here in divi. we talked about airports and how much we both loved loitering in them, how the BKK airport looked spectacular and how pinoys have basically taken over the position as sales rep to the world!

we ended our chat close to midnight, as always, cinderella time. he needed to retire for the night while i was running low on fuel as well. with our goodbyes, we exchanged promises of better conversations next time and pictures from his trip. i required him to make me super jealous :) pleasant voyage angkor!!!! pasalubong ko!

its finally OVER!

after almost FIVE, get that, FIVE days of whining, grumbling, moaning and groaning, it's finally over... my funk that is.

goodness gracious, was that some kind of a PMS-ing shittyesque escapade that i went through or what?! i certainly wouldn't want to go through anything like that again. it's soooooo difficult to get urself to do anything. i'm actually amazed that i was still able to deliver to my clients. working during those days felt absolutely horrible!

yesterday, if ever there was a day to call the worse, felt like the worse. with work piling up to the dear heavens for me, i wanted to run my errands in the morning and finish by noon. that gives me ample time to do everything i needed to do for my client presentation this morning, of which, i still had nothing done. as i woke up.... the sky looked grey (crap!), a few minutes later... it started to rain (double crap!). i drove to downtown to look for hardware and lights and couldn't get decent parking (triple crap!!), and my suppliers, for some odd reason, were extra neglectful today (quadruple CRAP!!!). by the time i was able to finish all my errands, all of which could have easily taken up just a mere 1 1/2 hours, 4 hours had elapsed. i was soaking wet, muddied and... well, not in a very good place. it took every ounce of my humor just to get me to turn on my engine and drive away without running people over. thankfully so, the drive was quite pleasant and traffic was light. by the time i arrived in makati, though still soaking wet from sweat and rain, i was cool and calm already.

needless to say, my schedule went out the window from then. after all was done, i got home already late evening. i was tired, drained and sluggish. not even all the coffee in the world could have perked me up. working that evening till the wee hours of the morn was not fun, not even a bit. i had to constantly take "brain breaks" just to keep me engaged. thank goodness really for blogs, i swear. it had saved my ass so many times ud think God must be a blogger too! i eventually finished and this morning, and in the end, my client liked what i did. yehey!

so i guess it's finally over then. with that presentation and this sense of utter relief i'm feeling right now, i can only assume that whatever it was that was weighing me down has finally worn off. i can finally rest in peace. oh, i wish i'd bump into wentworth tonight! haven't seen him in what feels like ages now! hehehehehe.

****

on a sad note, my deepest condolences to fran for the lose of mauser, her ever beloved cat. she had to put him to sleep since it was more humane rather than have him continuously suffer from kidney failure.

mauser was this beautiful malaysian tabby. sweet and playful. he was like fran's child. we will all miss him.

ervin with mauser. happier times.

WTF?

is it just me or have you guys noticed as well that people have been acting rather strange lately. people are either rather touchy-feely and overly sensitive or depressed.... which also includes me i guess.

read from chuvaness that this is brought by the planet mercury screwing with us all. really... have we all stooped to such levels already that we now blame a PLANET for all of our problems? geez, im an emotional eater, must be JUPITER'S fault. o my, venus is SOOOO blocking my aura. my rash is acting up again, damn you mars, DAMN YOU!!!!!

****

found myself having a chat with my brother again as i was just about to take a nap. i needed to rest my brain as it felt like mush already from all the thinking i have been doing these past few days. as we were talking, i mentioned to him that i was taking his advice to heart, about trying to not be as emotional. i told him that there had been many occasions in my day that i could have blown my top, but chose not to. i told him i didn't want to give power to negativity anymore, for to loose my cool would just add fuel to the flame, i said. he agreed. he added as well that words released, u can never take back. we talked more about stuff after that. life in general, our concerns for the family, for ourselves, for the future. it was quite the highlight of my day actually, ironically, the entire conversation was done in pitch darkness as he was readying to go to sleep as well.

****

today will be the season premier of HOUSE on AXN. i seriously cannot wait!! catty comments, mind boggling medical mysteries and all the sexual tension!!!! i just LOVE IT! makes me almost regret dropping out of medical school! :)

bulls**ting my way to recovery

found myself typing away this entire afternoon an entry i entitled "the storm". i basically wanted to write about the funk i am currently in, but not talk about it just as plainly. funny, everytime i get myself into one of these bad moods, i always turn to literary prose to express my feelings. after posting it though and taking a nap after, i realized that i might have over done it a little bit. true enough, when i reread it again after i woke, it somehow did not feel like it was genuine anymore. kinda O.A. if u ask me, so i decided to just get rid of it... and so i did.

"he writes well, but somehow, it just feels like it's a bit contrived"

i once tried out as feature writer at our school paper back when i was in high school, upon the urging of my once best friend, who by the way was also the editor in chief. i never really thought that i wrote exceptionally well, though i have to admit, i could express myself better in words than your average high schooler. my theme papers were always scored high but far from perfect. i guess this single fact about my literary skills was reason enough for my best friend to put in the good word for me and get me into the try-outs. so tried i did... i however did not make the cut. the comment above was left by the assistant editor in chief over my anonymous article. to be honest, she did have a point. i remember not to particularly like what i wrote and things did feel a bit forced in the end. no surprise my friend also had to agree and i was dropped from the list.

i have always, i guess, had a thing for going beyond what situations may seem. i have yet to master reconciling subjectivity with objectivity since so far, its emotions that drive me most of the time. i often get a scolding from my older brother that i need to learn how to manage my emotions and not the other way around. wise words from one who mentors and manages thousands under him, objectivity is definitely a skill he has honed very well.

emotions, for me, is my life blood. it fuels my work, it fuels my life. despite how detrimental it is for me, unfortunately, i really dont know how i can give it up if i subsist so much on it. i wasn't always like this though. i do recall there was a time wherein i was rather objective. back when i was volunteering from hospital to clinic to hospital, offering my services to patients and clients, hoping that this would lead me to better experience and open better opportunities. i would think i was pretty focused back then, stoic even to a degree. it was definitely very left brain. but i did not last long, not at all. i soon found myself run down, burned out and exhausted, physically and mentally. my mom back then said i was too calculating, too rigid, to the point that it hindered my every move.

so let me see, i can manage being objective, just that i overdo it to the point of exhaustion. i can also be subjective, to the point that i become melodramatic and probably push myself to either severe depression or insanity. so i guess, the problem there really is all about moderation, my lack of it.

this funk im going through is really hitting me hard. its been day two now and things still havent lightened up. usually gloomy days like this would just get me sad and that would be it. chocolate often does the trick... this funk however is totally different. naps dont work, chocolate, dimsum, hap chan, cartoons and a warm bath did nothing to ease me. exercise and endorphins did help a bit, but as it wore off, im back again to the same old shit. it has reached a point today wherein my breathing became laborious and i lost my appetite. i still went to eat though, but more for show since i have to join the family at the table and depression is NEVER an excuse.

was thinking of maybe trying out a spa or massage, thinking it may do the trick, ease away some of that tension. recalled that a friend told me of this place near macapagal. then i also recalled that he informed me of the "extra" service they offer. um.. no thanks then. scrap that idea. maybe home service nalang....

sat in at a trial yoga class with my client the other day. though i was not part of the group who took it, i did however feel rather peaceful with how the instructor conducted the session. maybe il try yoga as well...

listen to me now babble about this and that. i hate this funk... just hate it. im SOOOOO tempted now to get me a new york's finest from yellow cab and just devour the son of a bitch! guess my appetite is back.

muay thai

i am sooooo happy the week is FINALLY over, as in. my joy cannot be contained! i sincerely don't think i have ever been any busier than how i was these past few days. after having just ticked off the last item in my agenda, the feeling was almost orgasmic!

in celebration of this magnanimous feat of endurance, i decided to test myself on just that, my endurance. after almost two nights of no sleep, barely any food intake and loads of stress, i decided to continue with my saturday morning "SABAK" which composed of my 7am muaythai class and my 8am pilates session. am i insane, you may ask? am i testing fate and the powers that be? honestly, i dont know.... sleep deprivation can definitely mess up with logical thinking is all i can say. it makes you incredibly horny too. but that a whole new entry for a WHOLE new blog :)

anyway... muaythai this morning was fun. ran a bit late for class since i was still finishing up with work as well as congratulating a friend for passing his exams at 6am! (kiong hi mark!!! burger, burger!!!). i managed to get myself to makati in record weekend driving time, 20mins. today's class was all about the kick. despite having thighs as huge as that of a COW, my lack of coordination as well as my limited flexibility is a major liability into doing the moves well. however, what i lacked in finess, i made up in strength. might as well put my thighs to good use, i thought. my shin is ok, it got a bit red a while ago so i thought that i would bruise. i'm pasty white, bordering on luminescent so any mark on me stands out like a negro in a KKK meeting. thankfully so, i dont think i have any marks to remind me of today. i'm still working on my hip. the round kicks have always been tricky for me so i am often more guarded and tight in doing that. kru ed had to get me all tensed up actually for me to give him all that i have got. i think in the end, he was pleased with my efforts.

i'm starting to get the hang of the punches, considering i have never punched anything in my life. i actually practiced a bit at home from watching clips online (being the utter O.C. perfectionist that i am), only to learn that what ever moves i practiced were not the moves we were doing. i had the combination the other way around.... idiot me. :) o well, at least i tried :) did the hook punch and the upper cut today and am starting to learn how to block.

needless to say, i was dripping wet to my undies after the hour. i wasnt tired though but was running on a superb endorphine high! so much so i was SOOOOO prepeared to get punished in pilates. BAX (my trainer).... BRING IT ON!!!!! :)

walking on air

the "on air" series is a group of exercises my trainer makes me do while i am on the cadillac while doing Pilates. since having made me do them the first time, i think he is growing fond of seeing me do it again and again and again. the movements deals with strengthening the lower trunk coupled with developing coordination for the muscles working on the legs, back and pelvis. they are called the "on air" series since all movements are done with ur legs up in the air, hips and low back lifted off the mat with only ur upper back and head on the bed, like ur on air!


i particularly like this series since i fell more comfortable having my butt off the bed really. i think owing to the structure of my torso, having a longer one and a more muscular back, i have more movement bias to perform these exercises better than the normal, more proportional pilates practitioner :) i also like the fact that it challenges ur core and coordination coupled with ab strengthening. its like having 3 power workouts in one. by the time u reach the last motions of the series, u really start to shake. ur back starts to fatigue and lower back down to the mat. but when u get up on ur feet, wow, u feel as if u grew a few inches taller since almost all ur postural muscles would have kicked in by now. now i NEVER EVER experienced that in the gym :)

NB:

just to show you how my mind wanders aimlessly, more so when i blog. i was supposed to talk about my sleepless night and my utterly long meeting. how my brain was already playing tricks on me and how cute one of the contractors we met was. "walking on air" was the feeling i had the entire day, like in a bubble. i could not afford to float about since that wasn't really going to look professional at all, most especially with the clients being there. but the body was just too weak. not long after, my usual formal composure started to crack and my laid back nature was exposed. nothing bad happened, thankfully, just that i dont prefer being chummy chummy and familiar with clients at the beginning... first impressions u see :)

haaaay..... cute talaga nung guy.... buti nalang i got his email.... need to send him additional details for the project pa kasi.... hehehehe!!! ANG LANDI!!!!! NAKAKASUKA!!!!! hahahaha.... man i need to sleep.....

POTT-IK!!!!

just to let guys know, its 15 mins to 6am and i have not yet gotten a wink of sleep. i haven't packed yet to go to the hospital (long story) and i have a REALLY long meeting in a few hours with a client. the world is spinning as i type and the only reason why i am still upright on my chair is because of the 2 ginormous cups of coffee i downed a few minutes ago, hoping that the sudden jolt of caffeine would be enough to keep me going like a cranked up energizer bunny.

anyway, just came home a few hours ago, actually, LAST NIGHT from watching paul potts at the PICC. despite being a classical singer and a virtual unknown to most people, i was very much surprised to see the plenary hall jam packed with people. its quite wonderful actually to see so many classical music lovers all converging into one place. class is not yet dead, i thought to myself :)

it was also quite good to see that everyone was so well dressed that evening. the concert was practically a fashion show with the audience sashaying in and out in their finest signature threads... there was even this lady who came in in this stunning gown. she was definitely dressed for the occasion. being a habit of mine, i also took extra effort to star-gaze during events like this. unfortunately for me, i dont think our current celebs have reached the state or have atuned their palattes for opera yet since there was no familiar face on site. the only one i actually saw that was at least famous was maurice arcache... and i certainly did not want my star gazing to end with him!!!! thankfully, i spotted radio DJ mojo jojo not too far away. i guess seeing him would have to do :) (hmmm, mother lily a walked by)

paul potts' claim to fame was winning this brit talent show, brain child of the same ppl who gave us american idol. what is i believe the ultimate underdog success story, paul pott's truly showed us that you really cannot judge a book by its cover. i first caught wind of him a few months back on youtube, it's the clip of him auditioning for the show where he also sung my most favorite opera aria, nessum dorma, from puccini's turandot. being very familiar with this piece, i would think that i am very particular with the people who dare to sing it :) pavarotti for me is still the best. pott's rendition however was not far behind. he had the power, he had the emotion, heck, he had the balls to sing it and i was goobsmacked when i watched him bring the audience to tears with his performance. even simon cowell was left speechless.

pott's performance last night was short of amazing. you really have to hand it to the guy, despite not having the same training some opera singers undergo, he definitely had the pipes to pull him through. you could still tell thought that there was still something very amateurish about him. his stage presence wasn't that captivating. his moves were often awkward. his efforts to show emotion during some of the pieces i found were even rather cheesy. then there are those things that you really need time to acquire, like class. but i am not faulting him for any of that, as i said, his rise to fame was probably brought about by these rather normal features u would expect from a suburbian nobody. normal features, coupled with a spectacular voice. pott's made opera less intimidating.

i'm really happy for him and wish him all the success in his future endeavors. i just wished i could have enjoyed it more. all that time during the concert, i was still thinking of work.... UGH!

tan le hieng

"when you bump into those tai diok ah's, do you understand them?" he asked. i dont really know why it mattered if i could converse with main landers. i doubt i would ever have a casual chat with one one day since i dont know anyone personally. more so, the only time i do get to talk to one is when i find myself haggling for a better price on some knock off at 168 mall.

"o, no. not even at the very least. i sometimes try but their accent, coupled with the fact that my chinese isn't that spectacular, makes it almost impossible for us to communicate. they could be speaking to me in zulu and i wouldn't be able to tell the difference." i'm exaggerating of course. i can still talk, but it would take me some time to translate in my head, then think of a reply in english, then translate it to chinese. by the time i have my answer ready, the guy would have most probably moved on to saying something else and would be awaiting for a new reply.

he looked at me strangely, then smirked. he then moved on to talk with my other friends about basketball. i didn't even bother to try to look interested in joining.

though i can say that i don't really value much of his opinion of me, it did still get me thinking. does is really matter that i cannot converse in my own language?

often i get people who ask me as to what language i use when i am at home. i guess they find it amusing that i, being foreign looking, would actually be speaking in a foreign language at home. imagine their disappointment however when i say that i speak in english, even at home. an answer i feel they never expected. i dont even believe i would have gotten the same reaction if i said i spoke in tagalog with my folks. but that really is the real deal, at home, i do not speak in chinese. actually, other than with my lola... i dont speak chinese to any of my relatives at all.

i never really felt that it was THAT strange that i didnt converse in chinese. i have relatives living abroad and they dont speak chinese either, and people felt it to be fine. so what's the difference then between them and me? why do i have to feel like i am not doing my people justice by speaking in the white devil's tongue?

my parents and uncles and aunts, not to mention my lola can all speak and read well in chinese. sometimes, when i hear them talking, u feel a certain nostalgia within, like suddenly, all that history of being chinese stirs within you. dramatic sounding, i know, but it's true. despite my lingual handicapp, i dont think that i am any less chinese as the siopao hawker walking the streets of beijing. i am an individual with the collective consciousness of 5000 years, only that, i choose to adapt to my present surroundings and evolve. isn't evolution supposed to be a good thing? honestly, ethnocentrism is soooo passe!

was washing up in my bathroom one night and as i stared at myself in the mirror, i took time to really, intently look at myself. here i was, pale yellow skin, almond shaped eyes, pronounced cheek bones, short bridged nose, jet black hair. looked pretty oriental to me. yet all that sino feature ended there.

so who am i? my friendster profile states that i am chinese by nature, filipino by nurture and americanized thru TV. i have two official names and speak 3 languages. traditionally, i should be either a buddist or a taoist but my family and i decided to embrace a totally foreign faith, christianity. i have lived in two different countries and have visited more. i was an OFW. i suck in math and business but excel in arts and sciences. i do know how to use the abacus but would rather grab a calculator instead. i do calligraphy. i like dimsum and peking duck but dont mind a slab of steak , or sisig, or ginataang kuhol when the oppurtunity arises. i haggle like it's a sport. i use chopsticks when i eat, only because it fools me to think i eat more (a diet trick for all of you ppl), and i also sometimes eat with my hands. i'm not sporty at all but i am trying to live healthy thru other means. i don't know how to ride a bike... really. i do take herbal meds, yes, the really stinky kind, but i also take western remedies as well. i dont believe in feng shui. we dont have statues of buddha or any other deity, nor are there icons of dragons at home. i do not speak with a high pitched nasal accent. i am jamie tan, a simple pinoy chink wandering the streets of tondo.

an affair with 4 M's

my weekend in four letters... M, M, M and M.

first M. MALCOLM's place.

right after shedding off all of that water and (some) weight from pilates and muaythai, kuya and i headed to have breakfast. he suggested this place at salcedo village that i have never been to before called Malcolm's place, this small eatery along tordesillas that made a name for itself for serving wagyu beef. now for those of you who have no idea what wagyu is, here is a short description from kuya... Wagyu beef comes from cattle that are genetically predisposed to intense marbling (not the Romblon kind) and producing a high percentage of unsaturated fat. The cows are given sake wine massages and fed grain diets and beer and are popular for their increased eating quality because of its naturally enhanced flavor, tenderness, and juiciness.

both of us were obviously famished from our torturous morning and were ready to devour anything! it was at that moment that the wagyu tapsilog caught my undivided attention. tender, flavorful and o so divine, this was probably the best tapa i have ever had, and im not just saying that coz i was hungry. it really was. i have had been craving for tapa for the longest time, unfortunately, had only had access to jollibee (which felt like eating beef flavored rubber) so to finally satiate my food lust with this plate of pinoy breakfast decadence was definitely a God sent! i left with my plate short of being licked clean!

as if that was not sinful enough, allow me to introduce M number 2.... MORE MEAT (that's actually 2 M's right?)

we went to rockwell after that wonderful breakfast to walk off all that fuel we just ingested. kuya went his separate way while i loitered around the mall checking out what's new. dunno what was it today but i saw bea alonzo at zara and rafael rosel at bench. artistahin talaga yung dalawa, even if ur not familiar with their celebrity, u wud definitely give them a second look. beautiful people and such radiance without even trying... note, rafael looked really hot :) anyway... kuya and i met up a bit later and chances had it that we were both starting to get rather hungry. probably still tasting the wagyu in our mouths, we found ourselves heading towards pepper lunch, this hot japanese franchise DIY/ cook ur steak at ur plate resto! i bumped into Melloida while i was there eating with Mike and company. (its just raining M's!!!!). we both got the steak and burger combo, a meat lover's dream. juicy and oozing with great flavor, i had it with the pepper rice and it was just a dream to eat... and i ATE it all. (pig, pig, PIG!!!)

funny how our saturday went, almost like both of us were revolting against fitness and health, we capped off our day by heading thru rockwell's baker's fair and purchased some pastillas, puto/ kutchinta, thai lanzones and frozen brazo de mercedes, the latter being the BEST i have ever tasted....

M number 3, MARCIANO's

sunday being our weekly mall day, kuya and i tried this new italian resto at greenbelt 3 called Marciano's. i was the one who suggested it since i wanted to get his opinion on their food. i was there with friends a few weeks back and had a rather good experience. i also caught wind that they served this 700g steak that i felt was just beckoning to be eaten. kuya originally had some doubts about the place. he's been a rather picky eater and he values his sunday dinners highly. though i understand full well his concerns about the place, he finally relented after i showed him the menu for the 700g steak (gluttony prevails again!).

the steak...well, was so-so. no where near actually from the tapa we had the day prior, nor the sirloin from pepper lunch. kuya said it right, for the price, it definitely was not worth it. the rest of the food we ordered also fell below expectations. the artichoke hearts were bland, the roasted garlic soup tasted flat and the grilled chicken with apple salad lacked zing. to add more insult to injury, we got to our movie late since it took the staff forever to get our bill. i asked kuya what his verdict was (something we do when we try a new place) and unsurprisingly, he gave it an F, fail.

M numero quatro! MIRRORS.


we got to our movie a few minutes late so we weren't able to see how the movie began, thankfully, it we were still able to get there before opening credits so it wasn't so bad.

Mirrors is the latest thriller movie starring kiefer sutherland that dealt on these strange paranormal activities occurring through the mirrors the moment he took this job as the night watchman in this old, condemned shopping mall.

i have to say, despite not having high hopes with this movie and the poor acting by some of the actors, i kinda enjoyed watching it, if not only just to get the periodic shock! the story was well laid out and the pacing was good. things started happening quick and early (which i like) and they kept the audience glued on to their seats for the next nail biting scene. i liked it also that the special effects did not overpower the movie, which sadly, occurs often nowadays. kiefer was good in his role though there were a few moments wherein i had to stifle my smile as my mind wandered off to thinking this was another episode of 24. paula patton, the actress who played his wife on the other hand, well, she was pretty. i'll be nice, and she has nice breasts... :) no wonder. dialogue could have been better but again, it's a thriller, i doubt they're vying for best script at the oscars.

overall, Mirrors was a nice movie. it fulfilled it's purpose of giving fright to those of weaker constitutions and entertainment for those who just needed the distraction.

P.S.

disgruntled steak-aholics.... kuya and i found ourselves at malcolm's place again this morning after our morning work out. each of us had a 312g striploin that was grilled to perfection. i sincerely will be punished for this gluttony... umaasa pa ba akong mag join ng Marathon in the future? hahahaha!

my lats, my lats, my lats, my LATS!

the latissimus dorsi is the largest muscle of the back, spanning from the spines of the middle to the lower back, as well as the shoulder blade and terminating at a small point near the head of the arm, around the shoulder. this is usually the wide developed muscle one sees in muscular people that gives them that wide "wing", rather than the "cobra hood" which is made by an over developed trapezius. due to its situation, the latissimus dorsi, or lats, has excellent leverage in depressing the shoulder, rotating and extending the arm, pressing the arm against the body as well as protracting the shoulder when it is in a forward position, the last movement is best seen when punching.

i attended my first muaythai class yesterday after being invited by one of the trainers. i have always been interested in the sport to be honest but have never really gotten the courage to try it out since, knowing full well how i am, i have absolutely NO coordination. i always kid to people that i am so uncoordinated, i have yet to finish stage 1 of the super mario brothers on nintendo! dont even get me started on the miracle that i DRIVE! :) but really, this small fact about how my limbs all have a mind of their own served as a major hindrance for me. but i guess i was in a good mood that day and since i really had nothing else better to do, i decided to might as well try it out.

i only managed to do about 20 mins of it since i was scheduled for a pilates class later that morning. in that 20 mins however, our trainer managed to get me drenched with sweat and have my body ache all over! need i mention that 10 mins of that 20 was just warming up!

now, the day after, i feel my lats to be the tightest and most sore. i'm presuming its from all that punching we did. i have to admit, i have never punched anything in my life, being the peace loving schmuck that i am. so having to actually focus all my energy to a fist and strike something was definitely foreign. it was exhilirating tho, especially once you find your pace. i really dont know if i did well on my first semi-session, but one thing is certain, i intend to make it a full session next week!!!! good luck to me! :)

conquering my fears (part deux)

if looks could kill, then i would have gladly wanted to see my companion slowly melt away into a soup of bubbling goo, but alas, i was not blessed with such handy powers.

we arrived at power up, ortigas at SM silver city a few minutes early. that gave us time to chill and familiarize ourselves with the place as well as the wall. with him nervously giggling behind me, both of us took a moment to assess what we REALLY got ourselves into. admittedly, i am no climbing virgin (amongst other things). i had already had some experience before with a few friends way back at power plant mall so i had already an idea of what to expect. but looking at the height and scale of this wall, it made it feel like all that previous experience meant NOTHING! effing absolutely nothing.

at exactly 2, we were attended by the guy manning the site. we filled up our forms, took our harnesses and picked our shoes. while my friend was utterly elated in having picked a purple pair and amused that his feet looked (and felt) like he was a ballerina, having boat sized feet, i was not enjoying the fact that my appendages was cramped into such tight quarters. a few minutes later, our instructor arrived. his name, amusingly was niknok. i'm pretty sure this is a nickname, but either way, how he got that name would definitely be an amusing story. (i would also like to say that he was cute, very cute in fact... but would rather not talk about it since i would just most probably fall into an incoherent, mindless babble)

we were standing in front of the beginner wall and were instructed of the responsibilities of a proper climber, as well as a proper belayer, the belayer being that guy who holds onto the rope that keeps you from a very ugly death if in case you fall. after making sure that we understood the instructions perfectly, our instructor asked that we have a volunteer climber while the other one practices belaying. like in most things in life, i found myself being the guinea pig. i walked slowly towards the wall, held onto the fiberglass rock holds and gave them a greeting in my head.... hello wall.... can we be friends? a few minutes later, i was looking at ant sized people below while i was ready to be rappelled down from the top. beginner wall.... CHECK!

i told my friend before that the best part of wall climbing is not really the climb, but is actually when u get lowered back down. told them before, and this is really gonna sound cheesy, but the first time i climbed and was asked to "let go" (the signal to be lowered), you really have to let go. you learn then also to let go of everything, problems, anxieties, everything negative and just feel light and free, and trust your life onto the person who has hold of you. its a liberating experience actually... of course, my friend just looked at me weird like i was lost in my own thoughts for a moment there. bastard, i said under my breath :) these young ppl, no respect for elders...

with me belaying this time, it was my friends turn to climb. he was shorter and lighter than me so he scaled the wall faster. he had a few problems reaching some of the stones at certain stages due to his short arm span but generally, he climbed rather well. i would have liked to study his moves better but i was more focused really on keeping an eye on him while pulling on the rope. its actually more nerve wracking belaying than climbing since as the belayer, the safety of the climber depends on you not fucking up! of course it did not help my concentration that my instructor had eyelashes that reached the heavens and impeccable skin! needless to say, i had to muster all my strength to focus on the task, even if it also meant thinking unsexy thoughts just to get the job done right.

after having finally lowered my friend to terra firma with no serious mishap, both of us decided to up the ante and try the intermediate wall. the only difference between the two is that a greater part of this wall is at an incline so you have more of your weight to pull. by the time you reach about 20 feet up or so, thats the only time the wall goes back to a vertical.

i was first up the wall again. as i slowly went up, our instructor called out which stones to hold on to and what foot or hand to put where, very important since fatigue when ur at that height can be very disorienting. as i got to about 20 feet, i could feel my arms start to burn. my butt was getting tired as well but i didnt want to quit yet. thankfully so, all that punishment i do to myself working out at the gym felt worse than this, so i knew i still had some juice left in me. i just have to pace myself, i thought, and not slip. i had a close call while i was up there but fortunately, was able to keep my hold. a few more feet later, and i was finally at the top. i was tired, wet but the feeling of exhilaration was indescribable! i would have never thought that i could make it and the fact that i did made it even feel more special. the squirt, the dork, the nerd, the oddball, the fag, got to the top.

my friend trying the intermediate wall

me, almost there... calling for mommy to help me!

when climbing, other than the fear of heights, fatigue is ur number one enemy. my friend was not able to finish this wall as he had exhausted himself out apparently with the previous climb. we tried to rest for a few minutes and try again but to no avail. when your muscles go on strike... no labor union can convince them back. i too was feeling the pinch since belaying also required a lot of arm strength as you keep pulling on the rope with your climber's body weight at the other end. at the end of the 3 hours, we decided to call it a day.

i really loved this whole experience. not only was it a departure from my usual daily routine, but it was also a great mental hiatus from the hustle and bustle of life and all the stresses it offers. i definitely would do this again! any one interested of coming with? :)