Tuesday, July 1, 2008

what am i going to do with my life

in a fit of semi-despair and melodrama, i typed in the title of this blog on google, hoping that by some weird way, i would find my answer using the search engine in the internet. yes... i was that desperate.

found myself chatting with a friend last night. the culminating activity of an entire day's worth of introspection. i had to talk to someone, particularly since i knew that talking to myself, not only would it mean that i teeter on the verge of insanity, would also not make me reach any new discoveries about the ills that have been bothering me all this time.

i was walking last evening to gym (i always do) and i realized, despite the "work" that i am doing currently, that i was still quite so, a bum. my earnings can in no way support the lifestyle i lead (and i live a rather simple one already) and all the dreams i had, none of them seemed any close to realization. i am totally at a lost and i feel absolutely helpless, like wanting to finish reading a real good book but realized i dont know how to read!!!!

i know there's a solution somewhere. i am a firm believer that problems come my way with the answer key attached in the midst of it, i just have to be diligent to look for it. the solution for this lingering dilemma of mine, well, i have an inkling is staring me already right in the face... i just don't think i am bold enough to take it. i am totally petrified.

i googled the title of this blog and came across a piece spoken by steve jobs for the closing graduation ceremony in stanford a few years back. i remember reading it before and decided to read it again. he spoke of 3 stories, of connecting the dots, of love and loss, and of death. these three stories made him who he is and got him where he is right now.... creating apple, pixar and being one of the greatest figures in modern society. reading stories like his is definitely inspiring, but also in the same time, quite frustrating. makes me wonder... where did i go wrong? why is he THERE and i am HERE?

is it skill? talent? luck? determination? inspiration? smarts? intelligence? money? what?! i really, really want to know.... what do i have to do?

my chat friend said i was just probably bored, that's why i think of these things. maybe. idleness always brings out the worst in me. i used to think that when i find what i really like to do, everything will fall into place. follow ur passion they say and things will take care of itself... hmmm, what a romantic notion. the same romantic ideals that i fought for that now got me into this bind in the first place. i think one of the reasons why i dont want to "face the music" is i dont want to let go of the dream. but what if the dream is just that... a dream? and life is screaming at ur face at the top of its voice that ur delusional, that there is no fairy tale. some men were born to be great, some men were born to be normal.... maybe that's me? or am i giving up too soon?



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