Thursday, July 31, 2008

inis at galit

literally translated "irritated and mad", this somehow is a mood i am finding myself in quite regularly nowadays. most especially when so-called friends are involved.

chatting with kuya one dinner time regarding a pal whose name he has become familiar with. i asked him if a friendship really does exist if the other party never seems to be emotionally available when the need arises for a "shoulder to cry on", or even rest your head on at least? it has been my observation that on the moments when said pal needed company, out of loyalty and good faith, i always rise to the occasion. however, on the very rare occasions wherein i needed such gestures to be reciprocated, said pal never seems to be available.

kuya being my ever objective pillar of sanity and reason was clear, though now that i'm writing about it, the answer seems to be pretty obvious as well. i have stumbled upon, yet again, at another emotional vampire.

in my state of disinhibition last night, i emailed the said pal stating (not complaining, as vikki would always put it) my honest feelings on the matter. i have been having second thoughts whether or not it was wise to gamble a possible friendship on things as trivial as this. either it was because of my lack of sleep or the fact that my superego really didn't give a shit anymore that i clicked SEND after writing a very long letter. i guess the word there to consider is "possible". it wasn't that much of a friendship if the care was only uni-directional, was it? also, there is nothing trivial about the matter. emotional parasitism is never a pleasant thing, especially if you are the one on the receiving end.

alleged pal was prompt to reply, something i found quite surprising since i often have to wait hours whenever i send messages. email reply stated that "pareho lang tayong malungkot". email reply also stated that i was invited to watch a movie but i chose to decline the offer. ok. (deep breaths... and GO!) first, i cannot understand what connection there is between me asking for support and us being simultaneously depressed. should i? would it actually kill a person if i by some self preserving drive ask that i be shown an iota of attention? would it actually kill a person to ask someone to be altruistic, to me of all people, after all i have done in the past? also, when i made it VERY apparent (i have learned that subtle hints don't work with this person) that i was sad and in need of some comfort, i didn't really ask for uber pampering and consolation. to be honest, a simple word of encouragement could have sufficed. how much effort does it really take to do something like that, i wonder? a few taps on the keypad, then send. not really like moving the sierra madre mountain range you know..... regarding the movie invite... i originally obliged. i only backed out since i discovered there were also family relatives in tow. let's see, MORE emotional vampires? thanks, but really... no, thanks. i'd rather score my wrist with a blunt spoon and listen to mystica singing opera.

so now here i am. worked up and quite so "inis at galit".


trek... said...

basing on how you stress your point over this matter, i see that you are, indeed, "inis at galit".

i'd like to be the devil's advocate on this one. does being a friend means being a shoulder to cry on when you need one? or is it just an option that you decide for yourself? do you expect them to treat you the same way you do to them?

like i said before, my friend, disappointment comes from big expectations.

so there, after a few months of knowing each other, i already posted a comment. :)

jamie da vinci! said...

imagine my glee to see my comment counter ACTUALLY CHANGE NUMBERS!!! hahaha!

anyways... i used to have no expectations of people. felt it as less stressful that ways. problem was, it didnt really do well for my feeling of self value. i am, after all, not a bottomless pit of positive energy. what gets dispensed needs to be replenished eventually. owning to the fact that my family has its tendencies to be doormats, i really didnt want to carry the tradition to the next generation. it however needs to be mentioned that i need to start getting used to being disappointed.

trek... said...

yes, i thought you'd be happy to finally see a comment here in your blog, though not necessarily from me. :p

don't get me wrong, i do understand your sentiments. but don't go thinking that you need to get used to being disappointed. you just have to start trusting the right people, though i must admit, finding the right ones are particularly hard...