unraveling

i got home yesterday afternoon rather late, around 3pm already after wasting an entire day at my office, waiting, or shall i say, begging for my company to do their job and release my pay. despite tendering my resignation 2 months ago and following up with the concerned people to start working on my papers, i still fell into the unavoidable hole of my company's crappy service and sheer inefficiency. it bothers me so much that i am still feeling really agitated right now while i write this entry.

i also got to attend a seminar on walls and floors at the shangri-la, courtesy of one of our suppliers' invite. i just found it ironic that the industry starts to pick up only after i resigned and decided to leave, but then again, here is divine humor at its best. a pattern in my life shall we say, but thats for another entry.

saw this really cute guy sitting in front of my table. i hoped that he was only good looking on certain angles since he was sitting in direct line of my sight, just 4 feet away. i wanted to concentrate on the seminar you know and having eye candy in front of me is definitely not good competition for my attention. alas, he was adonis incarnate. perfect hair, beautiful skin, gorgeous smile, dark brown eyes, tall, lean, and worship worthy. he kinda reminds me of mark san diego only arab looking, probably lebanese. you have no idea how much will power i had to exert from not staring. i guess it helped that the two girls sitting beside me were ogling at him as well. the annoyance of them clucking like hens about to lay eggs was enough to keep me distracted, as well as focus on the seminar and topic at hand. i was a good boy. i did manage to coax some of the pinay ushers there if they could get his contact details, just for the kick, but he left immediately after we were dismissed. thought i wouldn't spot him again in the throng of people heading toward the buffet table for the after-seminar dinner but as i was leaving for the elevators, i saw him again. my reward for being a good boy, i caught him staring at me. unbroken stare all the way till i got into the elevator. of course he could just be staring at me for probably looking weird or being out of place (since arriving in dubai, ppl have stared at me like they have never seen a chinese guy before, found out later that that some really haven't), but i'd rather satisfy myself to the thought that i looked interesting. then i smiled. :)

vikki and i had a fight that evening. she was wound up for some reason and i couldn'd take it any more. i found myself shout at her at a tone i have never used before, much more with a voice i never knew i had. it was rough, dark and deep. my pitch usually goes up when i start to bicker and complain, but i would think i modulate my voice to a drone so that i can sound as objective as possible. but right then, i just lost it. i heard myself scream at her "why are you talking to me that way?!" and another person took over.

i remember why i don't like to loose my temper, because i never do. it is uncharted territory as far as i am concerned and i don't know if there is any part of me who is strong enough to restrain all that emotion bottled up inside. there was a lot of anger in my tone, a violence in my voice, and it was frightening to know i still had all of that in me. i turned livid at a blink of an eye. vikki went in the toilet to change to cool off outside and i sat on my bed, surprised at what i was capable of doing. at one point, i grabbed vikki's head and shook it because she wasn't listening to me. that action got me scared the most since that showed me that i CAN be violent. all the visions in my head when i got mad before can actually be exercised and that i did not hold back in letting them out. i grabbed her head out of frustration because she wasn't listening and she kept talking and talking and i couldn't make her stop. i know i could have done worse if i was still as livid. i know things could have been nastier.

once she got out of the toilet, we talked. more calmly now. we apologized for each other's faults and allowed the atmosphere to diffuse. we talked again this morning. apologized again. but i am still haunted. there is a darkness in me and it has been there all this time.