Sunday, June 15, 2008

the penseive

my blog is my penseive. if dumbledor had a pot with magical water, i on the other hand have a website with lots of memory.

sat in front of the pc thinking what i could vomit out this time, clear my head. can't really say that it has been full lately since i don't find myself walking around with a migraine anymore (a clear sign that i have been thinking too much), but every time i talk with ppl, most often than not, they comment that i seem to sound like something is bothering me.

i really don't know what to feel anymore. do i listen to them and really consider if there really is something the matter with me, or do i go with what i feel which is, i really don't feel like there is anything wrong? seems like the answer is pretty obvious but then, i have also gone through times wherein i was in denial. for all i know, i'm in denial right now, but then, what am i in denial of? what am i trying to avoid?

was talking to a friend the other night and as we were laughing about the weirdest things, i suddenly gave off a long sigh. no reason really, i just sighed and he suddenly stopped laughing. he asked what was that for? i said it was nothing, i just sighed. he said was there anything wrong, i said no. he asked again. i said i was ok. he wanted me to reassure him that things were fine and i said that they were. he however did not sound so convinced but he didn't bother to pry anymore. honestly, shud there really be a reason if one sighs? but then, after all his questions, it did get me thinking if there was something i was hiding.

i found myself reading through old posts i put up going back to almost 3 years ago. i remember thinking once that i'll never go read my old posts again since im afraid of feeling stupid of how i dealt with things before. i knew i often wrote when i get agitated or emotional and my words often get REALLY dramatic. i knew on the moment i wrote them, things felt very appropriate, but reading them a few years later after the situation has passed and you have grown (hopefully) wiser, and its a whole other story. i was however surprised though since going back through my old posts felt like visiting old friends. i did not feel embarrassed but rather, proud of the things i have wrote. the words, still impregnated with the memories that gave birth to them, still resonated with me. i wrote about a lot. hard times, good times, bad times, a lot, and after going through a couple, i realized, my... what a life i had lead these past few years. my, how i have changed.

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