Tuesday, June 17, 2008

being ill and synaptic firestorms

i have been feeling under the weather these past few days. dunno if it's somatic, psychological or a mix of the two, all i can say is i am not well.

breathing feels laborious, i dont have my appetite, been having sleepless nights and my head seems to be always full. it all culminated yesterday i guess when my body really shut itself down and i found myself parked on the "throne". of course it did not help that i had a job interview yesterday as well. despite my condition, i made myself go to the interview and not allow the opportunity pass me by, just because i was sick. funny what distractions can do to you. i even managed to do some more errands after that. i decided not to have anything to eat and just allow my body to rid itself of whatever it was it didnt want floating in my system. of course, by afternoon, i was running low on juice and conked out till about 6pm.

long naps are never good. they make me stay awake at night, which happened. thank goodness for nat geo and red wine. i know im allergic to alcohol, but i thought, at least if i have a reaction, il be at home. besides, like im gonna feel any worse than what im feeling now. maybe a bit of wine can perk me up, i thought. a glass and a chocolate bar later.... i was still up. decided to force myself to sleep, only to find myself feeling even more "troubled".

i called out your name. He felt distant. i felt empty.

i think i am slowly loosing my mind. just a weird feeling slowly eating me up inside. feels like living in really thick soup. moving around feels very restrictive. my brain feels like its locked in, and it shows if the only way i can explain the feeling is that it feels "weird".

this morning i woke up unsurprisingly late. took my morning meds, went back to my room and decided to pick up a book to read. i started with a self-help book, moved on to an interior design book and ended up with my medical books on the anatomy of the shoulder. remembered a question ervin posed about the ligaments supporting the knee and how my concepts were all wrong. flipped to the chapter on the knee, and found out that i was not mistaken. talk about trying to enrich ones soul. nothing though, i dont feel any smarter, any better or inspired at least. and that same weird feeling is still there.

i'm blogging about it now. i hope putting this into writing can at least give it some body, some structure that i can recognize. a shape, a form. i'm sure iv had this before since the feeling feels a bit familiar, but it also feels rather new, almost alien. i need to be productive today but i'm starting to get really sleepy again. didn't have that much sleep.

a friend suggested i keep myself busy. buzz, buzz. bee, bee. beezy, beezy.

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