gloomy friday

Our help decided a few days ago to discontinue working for us. Shes been with us for just a few months. Though we cant really say her duties in the house are super important, having another person at home with mom would probably be the role we find most crucial. She said her mom is asking her to go back home, but our other sources tell us otherwise. Regardless, we let her go. No point in convincing someone to stay when they have been planning to leave from the day they arrived. 

Her departure will put all our lives on a topsy turvy again i guess, most especially now that mom tend to get panic attacks whenever the thought of her being alone at home hits her. Her attacks often starts benign with complains of shortness of breath, which escalates to hyperventilation to calls that she needs to go to the hospital, all however alleviated my gentle stokes to her back and chest with Vicks vapor rub and reassuring tones that God will not allow her to die just yet. 

Her attacks curiously happens always around meals at home... and only at meals at home. I have yet to still figure out what triggers it, but considering what im going thur myself, i may never know. 

I tried to do some design work this morning and noticed something i haven’t noticed before, i was having too a very small panic attack. It could be completely random so i dont want to give it too much meaning for now but hopefully, this was just a singular incident. 

I pray 2018 will be better. 

the first tinder date

Let's consider it a spur of the moment thing, as it was pretty much in a way. I had originally planned to first go to the gym to work out before seeing him that day, but he beat me to it and messaged me what time we were meeting. By this time, I was already within the area and upon quick random calculations i did in my head, I surmised that he might construe that I am feigning interest if I delayed response any further. I know I know, I could be for for all reasons merely overthinking it, but hey, it has been a long time since I have been on an OFFICIAL "date" so one can never be too sure.

so I replied that I could be at his place in a few minutes. Rather, i called instead since I was driving, much to his surprise based on the sound of his voice. I asked him if he were in the mood for something spicy. I had been trying to figure out where to take him the day before for brunch but could not think of anywhere with his area that opened early enough, especially during these holiday season. I eventually settled to take him to Banawe, to this place that served Singaporean food. He knew of the place and upon some hesitation, agreed to have me pick him up.

Upon first impressions, he didnt look as much like how he did in his tinder pics, though after a while, I guess I could figure out why. More in the angle of his photos. I guess like all of us, we try to put our best foot forward and curate as well as we possibly can which pics to garner us the most "swipe to the right". He was pleasant to look at I have to say, considering that he looked like he just got out of bed. We chatted a bit and quickly got to the resto since traffic that morning was pretty light. It was good that I was just at the same resto a few days before with my cousin so I knew more or less what dishes to order. We got the laksa, cereal prawns, the sambal kangkong and the satay meat skewers. I kinda over-ordered a bit i guess since by the looks of the food, it was good for 3 people and we were just 2, both trying to maintain a certain value to our waistlines. LOL needles to say, he looked like he enjoyed the food. we got to talk a lot during that meal, about our families, work, our likes. it lmost felt like we were old friends trying to catch up. the longer I chatted with him, the more he felt more pleasant. Not attractive, but pleasant. It would be too early to put meaning to anything from that one meeting but I think it's off to a good start.

I drove him home after that. He had mentioned that he was home alone that day and asked if i wanted to come over. I politely declined and jokingly told him I was conservative. (a lie in my case since I wouldnt have minded, but no harm in doing things differently of course). I dropped him off and waiting until he got into his house, and that was that, We're still messaging and hoping to know him a bit more. 

merry christmas

Sitting on the couch in my room, I find myself staring at our wood floor and the dust bunnies strewn just over its shiney surface. Wow. Havent cleaned my room in a long while, and if it werent for this silvery december light, I really wouldnt have noticed how dusty my floor was. 

Been chatting with a guy over tinder. He described himself as a dairy man. He sells milk and is now venturing into butter. Interesting guy id have to say, its not often that you chance on people into agriculture. He sounded like he got burned out a bit, just like me with my designing. Hoping to meet him in person soon. I think i starting to run out of interesting stuff to talk about with him. I am quote boring. 

Everyone’s home today. Almost feels like a weekend, tho now that Im awake, im itching to just go out and walk around. Maybe workout since I havent done much this week, and considering the calories i have been consuming this week, I desperately need the exercise. I am slowly developing a dad-bod, and by golly, id rather be chubby instead of that. 

Im happier to a degree today. The depression is still there but it doesnt feel as overwhelming as the previous days. I think i still need to find people to talk to about it since my brother doesnt seem to be the right person who can empathize. I think thats one thing he never really got to learn. 

the mall

I used to find pleasure in malls. I loved people watching, see what people of all sorts busy themselves with. Admittedly malls may not be the most normal of places to observe normal behavior, but I guess in Manila, malls have become the hub of communities. We really dont have anything else much apart from it. This is really where people naturally converge when they have free time or want to relax. 

Strange now how malls fell for me. Im still people watching, though I cant really say im loving it. I have been pacing up and down the long halls, full of last minute holiday shoppers, but cant help but feel uninterested in them. Nothing to generate curiosity unlike before. Nothing about their presence, their dress, their mannerisms, their existence even elicits the most minute level of desire to investigate. They are phantoms to me almost, or I am to them. 

the wake

The chapel was still quite empty when I arrived. His brother in law was the one who greeted me as his sister was busy attending to friends who has arrived earlier. This must have been the hundredth time he has told this story, how it all started with a throat infection, how he was rushed to the ER to get checked after vomiting, how his blood sugar sky rocket, his kidneys failed and in just a matter of 3 days after being confined, he was gone. 

It must all feel so surreal based on the blank stares in the room, people coming to grips to what happened. How someone who was just at the start of his life so suddenly was taken away. I asked if the parents were around and then ushered to the back room. Their family have been long friends of ours and I braced myself for the meeting. His mom was the first one I saw. She struggled to get up from the chair that she was sitting on and when she finally was able to stabilize herself, I gave her the longest hug I could muster. I whispered to her O Lord, O Lord, my pathetic cry to remind her that God is with us. She trembled in my arms for a moment and I wished at that moment i could take some of her pain away. I gave his father the same hug and offered my deepest condolences. We eventually left the back room to recieve guests who were beginning to trickle in. 

He looked peaceful in the casket, like he was just asleep, resting. If I werent even mistaken, there was a slight smile in his face, even tho i am sure he would have wished to have left in a better way. 

Rest well Wilmer. You were too young to go. Give strength to your family. They miss you terribly. 

sudden death

A childhood friend of mine passed away suddenly today. He was barely 30. Took meds by mistake for his tonsillitis which unfortunately reacted fatally with his diabetes meds. He fell unconscious and in a matter of 2 days, he was gone. 

My mind can fully fathom the finiteness of mortality, but somehow, when people this close to you die, you find yourself seemingly left in suspension. You feel like falling but not feel your own weight. You see the impending ground before you but its presense seem to make no sense. Nothing makes sense. 

I tried to explain to mom today about what happened. She remembers vaguely my friend, a bit more about the parents, the gravity of the events however doesnt seem to grip her as much. Fragments escape her gradually and i am sure moments from now, she would have no memory of the incident anymore. 

I would like to say my heart aches for my friend, but it doesnt. I feel quite numb except for this unnerving feeling of uncertainty. I feel suddenly lonlier, more detached, more distant. I feel a sudden weight in my chest but not the same as that of grief, but more like the weight of fear, of anxiety, of a realization that maybe death is not too far, and that death doesnt feel like a fearful entity for me entirely. 

tinder is up

Found myself swiping left more than right, like almost at a frantic pace. How do you even get a sense to find any of these people interesting by just looking at their faces alone? Im pretty sure other people are doing the same with mine. 

Interestingly though, i happened to match again with a guy I chatted with years ago when I first installed the app. Funny. I guess preferences dont change as much.  

Mom struggled with having breakfast again. Eating for her is like a chore she hates doing. Once i surrender to her complaints, she suddenly becomes fine. I sometimes wonder wherther im being too hard on her, or if im dismissing whatever shes feeling as mere figments of her dementia. I really dont know. I just want her to live a good life. A life where she can enjoy the things around her and not just be swallowed up by this disease. 

The end of the year is coming and i cant really say if im feeling hopeful or not. I can steer myself either way, either which feels equally daunting. Choosing to stay in this path with bring about the same stresses and pitfalls that have put me in this slump in the first place. Choosing a different path will on the other hand bring about a whole new set of uncertainties that maybe an old dog like me can no longer handle. 

What to do. What to do. 

Wishing things were more simple. 

Hey. A tinder message....

considering tinder

I think I’m getting the hang of the meds now. I used to feel like i’m in a contstant state of indifference but now, a bit of emotions are starting to creep back in. My doctor did mention that we are striving for a new kind of “normal” so I am feeling hopeful. 

Stranging thing happened yesterday while i was talking to my coach. He asked me if ive ever tried Tinder. I was kinda taken aback since never in my wildest dreams would i have thought he would even mention tinder to me. He mentioned it suggesting that maybe finding someone to take care of me would be a nice element to my recovery. 

I tried tinder before, though i can really say i do well online. I miss that social, non verbal soulful interaction that u can only get from face to face contact. Maybe its just the old soul in me. 

Sigh. Im so complicated. Haha. What the hell. What harm could it do. Maybe i should give tinder another shot. 

its just... a little crush

Temperance. I think this is one of the skills i have honed well. I can wield it to the extent that i can feel the emotions almost surface but just before it overflows, i can quite easily push it back down, barely skimming the surface. It can be quite taxing at times, this almost tight tango i dance, but in my predicament, it feels like its my only recourse. 

It was his voice that first caught my attention. I heard him speak once and the bass of his voice immediately drew me to him. It was deep and full, but to a degree soft as well. Like a heavy duvet you would want to wrap yourself with on a cold winter morning. Physically, he was tall, taller than me, and quite unremarkable. He bore a rather awkward stance maybe brought about by his tall stature. Despite being younger than me, his features looked more mature, seasoned. His faced scarred with a bout with acne and his general upkeep, rather disheveled... like how most straight guys would keep themselves. 

Yes. He is straight. I confirmed it by asking him point blank actually. I dont think he minds that Im not, nor the fact that wer friends. He has gay friends too i believe and considering he studied in an all boys school, I’m pretty sure my company is not that  strange or uncomfortable to him. 

Admittedly it’s quite a lost cause on my part since I’m sure there is no way for the tides to turn towards my favor, but thats ok. His company gives me comfort. On those lonely days i chat with him about random, none romantic things, and just having that interaction grants me some joy. Joy that i dont want to indulge in too much. Tempered joy, that I have a straight friend whom my heart is inclined too. A friend who is quite oblivious to my pinings. A friend that i decide to keep a safe distance away. A friend who i sometimes, in my lonliest of times would chat with about the most random of things and imagine his voice through the text messages turning into my imaginary heavy duvet. 

friday morning madness

Jump started my day with an early morning workout. I was hoping some high intensity strenuous activity would be just i needed to get my groove back as this used to work perfectly for me before. Needless to say, metcon over and i still found my self a bit groggy and lethargic. This considering i already had 2 cups of black coffee. Im giving the meds a few more days till i finish at least a weeks cycle. If things stay the way that they are, il ask my doc to adjust my dosage since being a walking zombie isnt really my thing. 

Doing site visits today, checking on the status of my projects, all of which are delayed. A part of me should be losing my cool already but somehow i feel rather indifferent. Again, could be the effects of the meds since its supposed to keep me relaxed. I am relaxed i guess but this level of nonchalance is a bit unusual. Again, il keep mental note of this and see how i adjust. 

Someone almost side swipped me this morning on my way to work. He suddenly swerved to my lane, almost pinning me to the curb, and without even apologizing my slowing down, sped off. Thank goodness for turbo engines. I quickly caught up to him and was inches away of smashing my car into his... my shiny, jumbo black SUV against his small puny sedan. As i inched closer to his side making sure he could hear my engines reving, he sheepishly gestured his apologies by waving his hand. I followed him for a good few kilometers after that just to really screw with his head that i was dead set at murder.... i eventually sped away and made my exit. 

day 2

Day 2 of taking my meds and I’m quite happy to say sleep has been visiting me quite frequently now. I doze off into deep slumber, the type you fall into after a really long and tiring day. The kind where you would snoze loud enough to wake the neighbors... but of course, i dont have anyone near my room enough to vouch for that. The sleep is still kinda dreamless tho. I had wished that since the meds would help in my creativity, that it would usher me to part of my uncounsciousness where those dreams lie. Then again, it’s still day 2 anyway. More days to come so we’ll see what happens the next few days. 

Ive to admit, a bit of me feels sceptical on being medicated. Understandibly, there is a certain taboo to addressing mental health, expecially with more comservative backgrounds like mine. Im just i guess validating it as an experiment on myself. If it helps in my general well being, then good. If not then at least the prescription is only good for 1 month. 

I just really hope this will rekindly my gusto in life. I miss looking forward to the days ahead, whatever they may be. 

day 1

Day 1 of taking the meds and Im pretty sleepy the whole day. It’s supposed to reignite my creativity but so far, nothing significant has happened yet. Keeping my expectations low just so id notice the more acute effects of the meds, if any. 

Apart from the sleepiness, I somehow feel an overwhelming sense of lonliness and detachement, this despite the fact that im surrounded by people pretty much all the day. People zip pass me, even family and it almost feels like all this interaction are but phantoms, fleeting memories and imagining that I am alive but to a degree not really living.

Not even the feelings of love could make a dent. 

I have been pining over a certain person for a long time now. I show my concern. I express my feelings, discreetly. I sometimes imagine my intentions get reciprocated... by a touch, a hug, a sincere “thank you for being there”, an “ i think of you too”, but alas, my imaginations can only be so convincing. It cannot conspire with the universe to make my heart’s longings come to be. Maybe it is all for the best. Some of us are meant only to dream. My last love burned me greatly. Possibly because like moths, i am only destined to admire from afar, and never to venture too close to the fire. 

monday musings

Maybe it’s just because it’s a Monday, the most toxic day for the week for me, that I feel particularly alert today. Alert with a hint of anxiety and a dash or irritability, not the most ideal with the addition of the last 2, but it would have to do. 

Im scheduled to see my doctor in a bit. Haven’t told many of it but im having my head checked. Been feeling quite stuck in a funk for a good long while now and with mom’s condition being part of the mix, having something screwing with my mind doesnt sound to be the healthiest. So far, my doctor had given me the assignment of taking time off for myself. Recharge so to speak. I honestly dont know what that feels like anymore, genuinely. I mean i do have some me-time, but i dont know if i feel particularly recharged afterwards. Having me-time feels more like a task to fulfill and doing so gives me more a sense of fulfillment more than anything else. My doctor is suspecting however that doing so might unearth deeper, unresolved issues that I could not yet tap since i was tired and, for the most part, angry, most of the time. So far I am “happy” to say I dont feel as angry anymore, tho now with its absense, everything else just feels blah. Nothing exites me. Nothing feels new. Nothing feels interesting nor incites my curiosity. Blah. Not too sure if this is a point of concern. Hopefully my doctor can shed some light into it. 

Part of the assignment is also have some semblance of a social life... that maybe a whole other post since i would consider my social life quite complicated. 

fading and failing

here's to another attempt to jump start my writing my thoughts out.

i sometimes wonder what had happened to me. there was a time i couldn't wait to get my thoughts out into readable words. i could literally see my posts in my head, obsess on how to break up the sentences, or if in the case of writing poetry, fidget with its cadence and rhyme, but not anymore. not anymore.

my thoughts now play out in scenes, and for some reason, words seem to fail them. they are a bundle of visuals packed with emotions, jumbled insights, fictitious conversations with apparitions half formed by a very confused, distracted, and tired brain. so tired that i can barely construct anything these days.

i chanced upon a video this morning about a forensic cleaner stumbling upon the copious journals of an elderly woman who passed away and whose body was only discovered 6 months after she had died. she lived alone and had no living kin or friends, hence no one even realized she had disappeared. her journals revealed an intelligent mind that lived a rich life, but onto her latter years, lived a life that was incredibly lonely. understandable, i thought. a reality i guess i am slowly entertaining in the back of my mind. i suddenly thought of my mom, how it must feel like to be trapped and slowly loosing your grip. mornings with her, as i struggle to feed her breakfast and witness her first re-acknowledgements of her illness, you see the fear in her expression, the brief panic and then a swell of hopelessness. it's a blessing in a way, her dementia, now. this fright that she feels will just last her a few moments, and then the gravity of her condition will eventually lift as she slowly forgets again and turn her attention to the half eaten breakfast in front of her.

it started with confusion, my mom's dementia. when her thoughts insidiously started to overlap and reality blur and words fell from their description.