pantintero

nagpupumilit akong lumusot kung miminsan, iniisip na baka sana, kahit ngayon lang, di siya nakatingin. sana, kung pupuwede man lang, papayagin akong mabuhay na di nararamdaman na ako'y hinuhusgahan at hahayaang makatawid sa dakong panig kung saan ako'y puwede mabuhay na malaya... pero, di siya ganun. tatakbo pa lamang ako ay masusulyapan ko na ang kanyang tingin. di nya ako hahabulin, sa katunayan, hahayaan niya pa akong makaabot sa kabilang dulo kung ito ay aking nanasain. bibilis ako sa aking pagtakbo, ipipikit ang mata para di siya makita, at sisigaw para di siya marining. ngunit... di sya kumurap, di siya nagsalita, di rin siya gumalaw. datapwat walang hangganan ang kapangyarihan niya, di niya ito ginamit sa akin, tanging tingin lang ang kanyang binaling. tanging tingin lang ang pumigil sa akin. babagal ako sa aking pagtakbo hanggang sa naglalakad na lamang ako papalapit sa linya na gusto ko sanang tawirin. hihinto, iikot, pagkatapos, parang bigong sundalo, maglalakd pabalik sa aking pinanggalingan; yuko-nuo at kaladkad ang aking sama ng luob, dala dala ang bigat ng aking mga panghihinayang. sa aking paglakad, nakakapagtataka at di ko man siya nakitang natuwa sa aking pagatras. ni bahid ng isang taong nagtagumpay ay wala kang makikita sa kanya. sa hitsura ng kanyang mukha, sa ayos ng kanyang tindig, parang ang buong pagkatao niya ay ngabubugtong hininga, parang maslalo pa siyang nabigo kaysa sa akin.

di rin kasi ako marunung umintindi...

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an interesting discourse is unfolding in a blog i frequent about a topic i hold dear to my heart. i have attempted many times to leave my opinion but have found myself deleting it, even after a very lengthy composition. i did so since it just felt like it was not right enough, nor was it proper to add further fuel to the fire for, from the looks of it, the embers were burning white hot on their own. to think all this started from a picture.

ideas and beliefs are now being dealt on the table, all valid to a certain degree, all respect worthy. it is however saddening that after all that has been said and done, that this rather healthy discourse would bear no healthy fruit besides more tension, more misunderstanding, more stubbornness, more pride, more self righteousness. debate is at the end of the day but a glorious exercise of the self, only cloaked in eloquence and apparent soundness of thought.

a wise friend once said to me, when i asked him long ago why despite his great knowledge and vast experience, that he not use it to convince others to side with him and his beliefs. even in the lights of persecution and chastising from lesser, more inferior proponents of weaker arguments, my friend chooses to keep his silence. unperturbed, unprovoked. his answer was simple, like how answers always should. it contained utter clarity and light, enough to prove how right i was to think that my friend was indeed wise, and also, how foolish i still was at that time. he simply said: "no one wins in a debate. debate never gained souls." true enough, debate services no one and nothing except one's own ego. it can never enforce genuine change for it is too selfish of an act for such a high and self effacing cause.

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naisip kong minsan na gusto ko ring sana manalo laban sa kanya. di ko lang inakala na sa aking pagkapanalo ay talo pa rin ako.

patawarin Niyo po sana ako. salamat po muli sa Inyong pasensya at pagmamahal... i will not be a lost cause.