other things i hate

an old chat mate of mine texted me one night, out of the blue, saying how f***ing bored he was and that he needed some action. well, i didn't really read much of what he said considering he was the same guy who told me, during one of his more inebriated days, that he would rather screw me than the escort girl who was seducing him at that time, him while entertaining clients in some girlie bar in God knows where. needless to say, this was also the statement that led me to flee back to my tower, away from him, and bolt all the doors... i HAD to protect my sanctity you know. harharharhar! anyways...

i replied to his message suggesting he learns to be more content of how his life is turning out and that at least, his life is not as boring as mine. he works for an exporting firm and he flies out often to the countries his company trades with. i recall the first time i chatted with him, he was getting ready to catch his flight from phnom pehn in cambodia to manila. he asked me how it was to be content and i simply replied.... for starters, smile everyday, even if there feels to be no reason to do so. though i really would have liked to give him more thought-provoking answers, i wasn't sure if during the course of our text correspondence that i was fully giving him the right replies since during that time, i was also helping my father fix and replace our old aircon with a new one. so while i was busy lifting the blasted machine and jamming it into a hole it won't seem to go into (hmmmm...) , i was also risking breaking my neck texting this guy, trying to dig deep and find something encouraging to say. in the end, i am happy that i now i sleep in pure frigid bliss and my friend, well... he thanked me later and ended our conversation, saying, "to hell with life!". i really don't know how to read what he said, whether he said it out of exasperation or humor, either way, i sure hope i won't be reading his name in the obituaries, more so, the headlines any day soon.

so why am i blogging about this rather insignificant snippet of my ho-hum life? well, i guess it just got me to think as to what direction my life is going as well. i will be turning 30 soon and am starting to find myself in a scurry to reassess my life. i certainly am not getting any younger and well, my "market value" i believe is not getting better as the days go by. though i still draw hope that passion in doing what i do should be enough to drive me to succeed in my endeavors, i am starting to feel, passion just may not be everything.

i have often wondered why my folks, despite their talents, did not really pursue their dreams but instead, relegated themselves to the dictates of my grandfather before, which was to handle a shop. i know for a fact that some of them could have been great architects and engineers and bankers, since, even now that they still man the family shop, they still exhibit the keen traits that would have made them great professionals. i thought maybe my lolo was a tyrant and they simply just folded onto his will, or maybe, just maybe, there was a practicality to giving up their dreams.

i asked my aunt one time why do they stay here still, in the philippines that is, when they can pack up and leave and migrate to canada since they are citizen already anyways. she simply said, because despite how ppl think migrating is their answer to a better life, living a better life is still here. this is where the money is, she said. her answer got me to recall what the dad of my friend once said. she asked her dad the same question about why they stayed and not left like many of their relatives... his answer... "why settle to be a small fish in a big pond when i can be a big fish in a small pond?" true enough, her dad had already maneuvered himself in a position of great advantage, and i guess, my aunt feels the same way to. both believe that the best place to enjoy life is still here on native soil. going abroad is just for leisure but the real good stuff is still closer to home.

so now, reality is catching up with me. the practicality of my situation is that if i choose to still pursue my craft, then the local scene may not be the right place for me. but if i choose to stay put and set roots here, then maybe my trade of choice needs reassessing. the idea that passion is everything may have come from being influenced by all of these american stories of success wherein these now-magnates simply invested their life's energy to one goal and hit it big, despite the odds going against them. this is still possible i think, but in THAT context of dreaming big in a big country, full of big spenders who crave for big dreams themselves. in the philippines however, where opportunities are not as abundant and where the market for such success stories is small, targeting oneself to cater to masses sounds like the better way of doing things. niche-economics may work, but may not as well... mass-economics on the other hand will always carry far lesser risks.

which now leads me to the ask the hard question... is it finally time for me to be practical as well, just like my folks? taking into consideration the environment, the opportunities that present to me and all the possible perks i can avail of if i compromise on my dream... is it time for me to succumb and take on the family trade, and go into business?

here is something else i hate... change and being an adult.