Wednesday, March 11, 2009

fraying

i have been finding myself driving in silence these past few weeks, on the days wherein i do decide to get myself behind the wheel. though it really should not be something i should consider serious (EGAD! he's driving with the radio off! what ever shall we do?!), it still caught my attention since for creatures of habit such as myself, any change to one's routine, however minute it is, should never be considered benign. i listened to myself again, on these quiet moments while i weave in and out of the metropolitan traffic, trying to catch a clue as to what is brewing in this head of mine.

faint voices, blury visions, emotional disconnection with an unexplainable sense of familiarity was all i experienced. vague as it may be, i still did not find the relief i wanted.

to a degree, i have mastered the art of compartmentalizing. i have learned to store my thoughts and emotions into small, manageable packages and hide them away in the far recesses of my consciousness. the greater, more dominant part of me then concludes that these ideas, these feeling of mine are either too insignificant or forgotten. but like all garbage that has not been properly disposed off, the rot liquefied will soon find itself seeping into the soil and thereby poison the lot. my so-called undealt issues perform the same. they ooze out from their confines in my mind and slowly diffuse itself into my overall system, manifesting themselves through my body and through my behavior. i break out in wheals, my skin dries, my appetite depresses, my stomach becomes anxie. my temper flares up, i become distant and cold, and i begin to exhibit an unexplainable lack of discretion. these, are only some to name a few.

the silent drives lasted a few days. soon, these episodes gradually grew into minor panic attacks, ones wherein i need only to shift my mind into something else and that bitter, almost metallic taste of despair is immediately taken away. my attacks now act like sifts. they shake me, thereby slowly revealing the long densly buried, materials in my psyche. as of the moment, i can see familair shapes only, shadows of my past regrets, and i don't have the courage to acknowledge them yet. i fear of them... and i don't think i'm ready to deal with them yet. this considering, i am sure my panic attacks will increase in intensity and frequency as well in the days to come.

i just hate being complicated...

5 comments:

joelmcvie said...

No need to panic alone. We're all here if you need a ka-panic-ilya.

Thanks for the birthday greet. =)

And I still have kuweeeeentooooo...!

Knoxxy said...

I wish i could compartmentalize my emotions. I tend to be an open book!

Reena said...

hmmm...may kinalaman ba to sa iyong recent past? :) hang in there...

jamie da vinci! said...

i am an open book too... with too many chapters i'm afraid :) most of them not even finished.

Theo Martin said...

I dont need to read books to learn how to express my feelings with words. dito pa lang, galing na! hahahaha! :) Well, kahit complicated ka, at least you can still be happy with the fact that you know what you feel, and can describe it really well, as in vivid talaga...
yung iba kasi di nila alam what struck them or something. clueless pa rin. :)