brain diarrhea

this is my pensieve, i once said, pertaining to the cauldron of water elder dumbledore used to use to transfer his thoughts into. when chaos plagues my mind and disrupts my volatile peace, i turn to my blog to find solace. i look into this white blank screen and at the letters of my keyboard and proceed to give my tormentors a soul. my thoughts incarnate into words and appear on the awaiting canvass, dragging with them my turmoil, subsequently exorcising me of my troubles. they glare back at me for a while as they get used to their new cyber surrounds. they show a bit of resistance at first but they eventually realize that all is done, that it is finished, their power over me. and so i give them a new place to rest, an eternal home, a place where in time their fossilized remains may hopefully paint an interesting picture of the life that a wandering polar bear once chose to lead.

* * * * *

you are truly a very curious creature, i said to myself that morning, while i sat in front of my vanity, cloaked in my room's mid morning darkness. i could see my reflection on the large mirror from the corner of my eye as i proceeded to text my morning greetings. you are a curious creature, i said again, more convinced this time around. my brain wrapped around the idea, the hypothesis of the what if's and more so, the what if not's. the thoughts of the possibilities quickened my heart, it stirred from its long slumber. however, in reflex i told it to hush for surely, this was not an affair that concerned it.

my heart held its breath, almost as if holding back a sigh of longing, but it knew too well that my mind was not something it could easily contradict. it eventually exhaled, deflates and went back to sleep again. you are a curious, curious creature, i said once more, more tenderly now. the thought lingered on. there were questions held back by more questions, compounded by the strange processes that rule the operation of my brain. i hear your voice in my head, in conversation with me, but i gave you no reply. all i hear in my head was the constant remark, you are a very curious creature, and i can only presume what your reaction will be when things become real.

i hope you are not a cat.

* * * * *

i grew a bit last night, though only sitting patiently on my worn down couch, while gazing intently on the viewing screen, while waiting for the chat lines to move on their own. my demons have settled and had eventually become quiet. they no longer retained their viciousness but have now taken to themselves to move on and, i pray it won't take too long, fade away.

there is great power in relinquishing power, i realized, while typing on what almost felt like alien hands. for while all this time, my soul was desperately holding on to preserve it's sanity, my spirit was simply waiting for it to finally fail, and fail it did. quiet perseverance has its rewards, i felt. the rise of the spirit was truly a strange feeling. its presence was pure, focused, concentrated, and though therein felt no trace of violence or force, his rise to power was almost overwhelming.

i caught myself muttering a simple prayer, softly spoken under my breath. i mentioned a wonderful name and it immediately put my soul at peace. the screen continued on revealing sentence after sentence, chronicles of an unraveling bear, sentences stroked out by my spirit, ridding me of the residues of my pain.


o how i long to touch you,
for you to materialize before my face.
for my naked hand to caress and savor
the sweet incense that emanates from your skin.
in my drunkenness i dare risk
the scorching burn of a granted wish
for though, i know, the burn may be sharp
but sharpness, i argue, dulls eventually.

but to my earnest, earnest desires
my strongest self said, nay.
in his quiet repose he held me back
drawing with firm determination
the reins of my desperate soul.
he stroked my tensed neck
and combed my wild hair
he calmed me, tempered me
till my heart was appeased.