be forewarned. this is going to be very messy!
ok, this was supposed to be another exercise in using the vernacular in writing, since, so many of you found utter pleasure in seeing me squirm in coughing up words like "ngunit" and "datapuwat". trust me, though it was fun to write once again in tagalog (yes, i used to write in tagalog way back in high school. but that was sooooo long ago, my neurons has since then made new connections already. anyways...), i am afraid i will take a break from it for now since i am LIVID and just need to rant my brains out. since i think in english and the ladies in my head are screaming in english as well, i will type in english for now.
i. hate. narcissists.
i hate the ground they walk on, the way they carry themselves, and the idea of their sheer existence. what i hate even more is that they are drawn to me like parched beasts of burden to water. they run towards me with zago straws in hand, ready to jab it into my soul and suck me freaking DRY!
stupider me unfortunately, since my martyr conscience would not allow me to deny these people of their joy, i GLADLY bare my chest for them to feed on my still beating heart. i just hate it, HATE IT I TELL YOU!!!! there is seriously something wrong with me! ugh!
so anyway... lemme give you the scenario as to what got me all worked up and basically having me do the Vesuvius right now. so there's this guy that i met on one of these networking sites, back when i still availed of these sites' services, though i had already cancelled my memberships with all of them now. so anyway, i met up with him once because he was asking for my "professional" help as a designer and needed my opinions. being who i am and how i just LOVE giving free advice, i gladly went to his shop, which at that time was being constructed, and as promised, fed him my two cents on what else could be done.
that was almost a year ago. fast forward to, like, the present. we have only met that one time and from that one meeting, i already had the sense of the type of person he is. i'm not really putting him down (not then, that is) but i try my best to be wary of people, especially people of his peculiar characteristics since i really do not want to be considered "user friendly". unfortunately, i never really made it a point to completely distance myself from him, more so, make him know that i would rather suck an ogre's gangrened toe than continue to service his ego. yes people.. he was a narcissist. even worse, he was a gay, first born, bread winning narcissist. he could come in wearing a crown, holding on a scepter and dressed in a gown with a very long, fur lined train and it would suit him perfectly. of course, there is the prerequisite spotlight that would need to follow him around as well.
anyway, since i was never really clear on how much i detest being his ego fluffer, not that i volunteered for the position in the first place, he would still ever so graciously contact me whenever i am conviniently needed. feeling deflated? i know, i'll call jamie, he's bound to make me feel special again! and while i'm at it, i'll tell him all about the men i screwed around with and how much fun it was. every time i get pinged on my YM, i can assure you this would be the train of his conversation. i tried once if i could divert the topic to something else that doesn't involve him or concern him and he just dragged the focus back.
tonight, as he pinged me again, he asked me about karma. it was an interesting notion for me that he was asking about it since KARMA involves, (gasp) other people!! anyway... my hopes that maybe a crack had already started on his self worshipping addiction only lasted as far as its inception for he stayed true to his sequence. no sooner did he ask the question did he start talking about his latest sexcapade and how his act might case ill effects in other aspects of his life... hence, his worry about the karmic forces coming back to bite him in the ass.
now.... what REALLY is eating me, apart from the fact that i allowed myself to get duped into believing narcissists can actually change, was that of all the things he wanted to side with him, he had to want it be the COSMIC, GREATER THAN THOU, no you cannot influence it-forces of karma. he wanted to be appeased, from me who was already getting very agitated (and am obviously still) that karma will not grant him punishment for his most recent sex act, which for the purposes of keeping my blog smut free, will not even be considered worthy of publishing. i mean... how self centered can you really get? the principle of karma operates on a universal degree, encompassing the vastness of almost infinity. it bind us together as interconnected life forces so that we may all share this higher consciousness that our existence creates ripples that also affect other people. it teaches us that we are not just responsible for our own welfare but also that of our neighbors. this is the divine principle of karma. it is not just a reason for justice, for self vindication. it is a truth that we should be aware of greater things that are beyond "us".
but then.... i was talking to a narcissist. all he wanted from me was for me to say that he will be fine, that karma will not bring him bad luck for his acts. that at the end of the day, he can sleep well and screw again! i didn't however. instead, i told him he was just looking for an excuse to make himself feel better since he obviously felt guilty for something and wanted to expunge the feeling. sorry dear.... i can not offer you any more pacifying. this sucker will not be made a sucker anymore! besides.... from your stories (which i never wanted to hear anyways), you seem to be very adept in being that yourself.
oh, my... i swear! i never felt so irritated in my life!