Thursday, February 12, 2009
a very long sigh
it is quite a lot to process, these emotions, that is, especially that of which i am not so adept in handling. why does it have to be this difficult, this complicated, this sickening? it chokes you, it strangles you, it leaves you breathless like drowning, and yet despite the torture it lends your weakened beaten soul, you still, deep down, find strange joy in it. indeed, even if you swore under your breath and cursed the creator of this despicable feeling, you still find yourself smiling, desiring, craving for more.
i am left feverish, dizzy, nauseated at times. i shake, i tremble for it presents itself to me an unconquerable mountain that i have been tasked to climb. the path perilous, the journey, unforgiving. have i not tread this already before, once not so long ago, i humbly ask my creator? had it not already proven that i am worthy, that i can be selfless, that i can be strong, that i know what it is to sacrifice? had it not already taken enough of me, a chunk of me, crippled me in its wake? had i not already given enough, held back enough, surrendered enough, that something so remarkably similar would come back and disturb the dusts of the past? the bitter scent it had had only just dissipated and now i have to deal with this, a new foul smelling censer.
how can something so beautiful cause so much grief, i ask you once again, imploring your uncreated wisdom into demystifying this that is plaguing me. Lord, i am weary, i utter. Lord, i am weak. Lord, save me. surely your precious name is all powerful for i know it is. surely it can offer me the reprieve i need.... that is, unless it is your divine intent that i do travail again. if so, then show me grace. show me mercy. show me timely help.
i am, being deconstructed again, aren't i? built in the wrong manner and am now being torn down again. my wounds are raw but i cannot dress them. you instead allow vile flies to come and lick them dry for me. your methods are truly beyond my comprehension, but i rest my faith still in you. i have no other recourse. i seek no other savior.
i die now. i submit to this termination. i hope i have not painted you in unfavorable light. allow me however, to offer my last words that it can be my legacy to its precious recipient.
know your duties to whom it is good and favorable
for though you too now tread an unpleasant path
take into full knowledge that you walk in great company
and under its most glorious light.
do so as you have promised for you are indeed, good.
do so because you too have heard the best call.
my lord is merciful, my lord is kind, my lord is all-sufficient.
thank you for being a true great friend.