funny how the fates operate for it seems, during the past few days, either my inherent propensity for drama had already caused them irreparable damage or they just had enough of my issues, and in vengeance and maybe to take a break as well, decided to make my life a trifle more toxic, to their utter entertainment of course.
a brief heart to heart with my very objective kuya drove in the awful truth of why i keep finding myself in these predicaments. partly due to my stubbornness, partly due to my habit to over indulge, partly due to stupidity, carelessness and recklessness, and to some degree though i am still struggling with the fact, my unconsciousness need for attention. there was enlightening wisdom in what he said, this after i turned my immediate emotional defense mechanism off. i do recall being warned of my tendencies before but had convinced myself that i had already mastered them, more so, whatever it was that i was doing, it was just me being good, being kind, being likable, being "friendly", exercising my PR. unfortunately, as how my situation presented itself, my supposed mastery of my people skills only proved to be a delusional farce. the truth hit me like a pile of bricks and take it from me, it was not pleasant at all. there was a moment of internal squirming and struggle, i have to admit, but i kept myself still and forced myself not to budge. it was definitely bitter medicine and i needed to keep it down. in a while, after my emotional flare tempered down, kuya's heavy words finally settled. harsh, hurtful, repulsive but undeniably true. salamat.
i will not deny that in the recent days leading to this gloomy monday morn, my life had been rather tumultuous. the days have been long and the nights, longer, but despite this i am glad to say, with lots of help, i am getting by. mistakes have been made (again) and lessons needed to be refreshed and relearned, that hopefully this time around, it would finally latch on to my long term memory. my recovery from this unpleasant stumble, so far, has been smoother compared to the others in the past. i guess when you fall as many times as i have, you learn to feel less and learn to deal more, ultimately, healing faster. it was probably this reason why life, sensing i was coping too fast, too quick, decided to throw in a few "tests" my way, just to check if i really did learned my lesson in a practical sense.
the moral learned from this most recent ordeal (and all the prior ordeals, come to think of it) was NOT TO LEAD PEOPLE ON. despite all my honest and kind intentions to be friendly, funny and accommodating, not backing away when i needed to and nipping things at the bud as things (obviously) begin to unravel has been my greatest mistake. no sooner did i realize this did i get a text message from a chat mate i "ended" things with more than a year ago. out of the blue, i tell you, he suddenly wanted to get in touch with me again. he asked how i was was and was surprised that i still had his number. he wanted to chat again and talk and even hinted if we could meet. i swear, up until this point.. my head had been spinning! talk about the cogs of divine comedy cranking, what was happening to me was almost SURREAL! and he wasn't the first who wanted to all of a sudden touch base. in the span of just two days since that fateful saturday jog, FOUR people, all of whom i haven't had contact for a long time all seemed to have agreed and decide to drop their "hi's" and "how are you's". truth be told, fighting off the urge to engage in casual chit chat with them was almost the death of me. kuya's words echoed loud. i did still succumb to greeting and return some of the messages though, for old time sake, but felt horrible for myself afterward. kuya's voice now giving his "tsks tsks".
i guess things are really easier said that done. i just hope in the coming days, i can find myself to be stronger, maybe to a certain extent, be more calloused. it really is all for the best.
on another wave of the divine stretching its intervening muscles, someone emailed my kuya this last night and he just HAD to read it outloud to me.
wise words from a wise man.... Bob Ong.
1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka ng magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya..."
2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na di mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."
3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."
4. "Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kung alam mong may hawak ka na."
5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo ipagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sa iyo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."
6. "Kung maghihintay ka lang ng lalandi sa iyo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo...dapat lumandi ka rin..."
7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sa iyo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na rin sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."
8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."
9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo, wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na mahal ka pero di mo mahal...kaya quits lang."
10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba, kung mahal mo talaga yung una."
11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap mo sa telepono, kasama mo sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa, eh may gusto sa iyo at kayo na ang magkakatuluyan. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."
12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalake. Tatlo, lima sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng maganda. Totoong mas maganda ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anupaman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan, nagmumukha ding pandesal...maniwala ka..."
13. "Minsan, kahit ikaw ang naka-schedule, kailangan mo pa ring maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."
14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ang bida sa script na pinili nya."
15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap mo uli ang taong tinalikuran mo."
16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay, kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."
17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin at kasinungalingan."
18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng isang taong hindi dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na komukontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organ mo ang mga sama ng loob sa buhay mo. Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sa buhay mo...kundi...ikaw mismo!"
19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at pag nahulog ka, it's either by accident o talagang tanga ka."