i usually would find myself introspective whenever something unpleasant comes my way. rather than complain and whine and feel sorry for myself, which i admit is still a reflex i have yet to control, i decide to instead ponder on my situation and try to see things from a different angle. it always helps to have a different perspective, one that requires me to put my life in its place in the greater, grander scheme of things.
it is officially day 4 of my so-called rehab and i am steadily (hopefully) getting better. the prior days have seen me go through a roller coaster of withdrawal symptoms, some being more taxing than the rest. despite it all, it helps a lot to be a creature of habit. my day's structure keeps me distracted, long enough to actually be productive on better days. i still brace myself though for sudden " emotional seizures". they tend to surprise me in the most unexpected of moments, i.e, while driving; while doing a number 1 or 2; while shoving my spoon into the cheek of a star apple; while in mid-rep of my doing my bench presses, to name a few. i find that dealing with them would often leave me utterly drained, too fatigued to do anything else after that. thankfully so, i am getting more adept in catching myself from falling too far into despair. either the symptoms are weakening or i am finally learning to let things go and move on. either way, it's all good.
last night, i finally had that talk with mother, the one we were supposed to have but never did. she caught me at the peak of my day's melancholy, another seizure i was having while washing my mug, go figure. her steady look on me while i pouted over the slippery suds was enough to draw out my thoughts. i was not as emotional anymore. the day's work had already depleted me and i usually find myself more objective at night. as i voiced out my views, she listened as how all super moms do. we had a calm discussion about my situation and how it was i'm handling it. though i had been warned before not to consider my mom as my shrink, she was still my mom. i talk to my mom. she expressed her views on why i keep finding myself in these predicaments and gave her advice as to how i can avoid further heartache. her words were simple, as how all great suggestions often are.
"you find yourself in these situations because you are being taught how to be the master of your emotions."
"we have the Lord. pursue the Lord. we may be defeated or sad in our situations and the world is full of problems, why then would you want to find happiness there? but our true joy is in the Lord."
her words were just a reiteration of the whispers i had already been hearing from my spirit. i think i just had to hear it from her lips to believe that the anointing i have from within is also true. i nodded my head in affirmation. we prayed.
wisdom and strength comes at a high price, i once said. i think i have already given my payment.