the best medicine

humor is, more often than not, my saving grace in a lot of times. i kidded once that even if i find myself in the most serious of situations, let us say... a wake, the jester in me can still find himself in a mood to crack a joke, or two... or three. it is a gift that i have always been thankful for, and quite recently, have been more appreciative of it especially with my latest bout of melancholy.

humor offers me a reprieve from self pity and breaks the momentum of despair. with every laughter, i get a sensed of being pulled up. the harder i laugh, the higher i get. maybe it's hormonal, my brain shooting me up with serotonin with each full bodied chuckle, maybe not. either way, humor provides me the right force to remind me that life need not always be this heavy. as long as there is good material and reasons to laugh, then life can never be too bitter that humor's sweet medicine cannot help salve.

to joke however requires personal volition. it is an active process that can sometimes present itself difficult still, most especially when you already find yourself deep in cannibalistic introspection. it is during these times, i believe, that the forces that be intervenes and pretty much gives me a booster shot. knowing probably how acute my senses are, it would not only surround me with material to make fun of, but on certain occasions wherein i am more resistant, even shove one (or two, or three) into my face.

"nanuod kami ni mare nung, ano ba yun... ah, confessions of a workaholic!" i almost fell off the treadmill as this particular mommy screamed this to the other mommy she was talking too while huffing and puffing on the elliptical trainer. this one statement served as the catalyst for me to go on an extensive retrospect of many such hilarious statements i have encountered through the years, all of them curious enough, uttered by mommies. here are some of my favorites...

"ei! Mall of Asia just opened! why not later, after we drop you off at the airport, we can go surround the mall" (yes... you and what army i wonder?)

"naku sir!, you can throw dance parties here with all this space. and with your influence, it would be a great place for us to rub the elbow." (talk like that, and i that's all you're going to do... rub the elbow. hehehehe)

"what's the name of that singer who has that high voice? MARIA KA-REI?" (reminds me of that jodinand video... sha-nay-yah ma-nay-yah!)

"we built in the TV on a rotating panel by having a mechanism put in the upstairs and downstairs." (that must be one heck of a TV to span an entire floor!)

and by far, my favorite....

"hay naku jamie! i just saw this movie that i am sure you can relate too. ang ganda nya, about two cowboys... watch it ha! it's called BROKEN MOUNTAINS." (to this mommy.. i love you sooo much!!! hahahahaha!)

haaay.... THANK YOU LORD!!!! :)

last night

i stood in the middle of richie's driveway as ian smoked his cigarette in the porch and found myself staring at the clear night sky. the girls were upstairs busy playing "rock band" on richie's PS when i just felt i needed to get away. ian wanted his smoke so i decided to accompany him. the air was warm but thankfully so, manageably dry. i missed the cold the early days of the year had brought and yearned for it still. i missed the comfort it had provided me, how carefree i became when immersed in it's cocooning chill. i fixed my gaze on the three familiar stars of Orion's belt and was reminded of a joke my cousin and i shared. it was a welcomed distraction as i was beginning to fall again, drawn by the inviting dark expanse, bespeckled by her charming diadems. it was tempting. i took to the council in my head. i asked them if i can be allowed to strum the strings of my past, just this once, and hear its familiar tune again. there was a quiet response to my request and with a deep breath, i succumbed to the call of the night. for a brief moment, i was lost.

the stars aligned themselves to me. they suddenly became my audience, i, their one singular point of attention. i cast onto them the whispers of my heart, the dialogue in my mind, the arguments of my will, and they all listened to me carefully. in their steady pulsations i knew they were in deep thought as well, in great consideration as they all have been my faithful witnesses all this time, all these past years. they spoke to each other, discussed with each other, weighing the merits of my situation. i followed them with my eyes, the stars volleying back and forth, growing brighter, glowing sharper, then fading back to a fuzzy burn. i caught myself smiling all of a sudden, the first true smile in what seemed to be ages since the tumult of my days began. it came from sensing that i have finally got it. i have finally learned to let go and surrender. i have finally learned the lesson, or appreciated the part my Lord has wanted for me. the stars continued on with their display, like giggling children passing along a naughty secret, until i heard myself say "remember". the stars had left me their instruction. i looked at the night sky again and to the quiet splendor of my stellar friends. i remembered. i then searched for the moon, for what was to frame this perfect picture better than to sight the queen who reigns the night, but she was no where to be found. i smiled again... i should have expected this much, for indeed it was finished. i took my last breath in my reverie and on exhalation muttered the name of my Lord... my offering of gratitude for granting me a sliver of His wisdom this night. i then offered my wishes, a prayer that i hope you see also the night sky, the same one we have shared. i hope that tonight as well, you feel the same peace i was granted.

"serious, aren't we?" ian spoke from behind while blowing out a plume of smoke. i turned and started walking towards the porch again. richie came out to join us now, craving for his nicotine. a summer breeze blew across my face, my present reality stroking me tenderly. i am reminded then that my days of old has now ceased. a new season has begun.

my rehab progress

i usually would find myself introspective whenever something unpleasant comes my way. rather than complain and whine and feel sorry for myself, which i admit is still a reflex i have yet to control, i decide to instead ponder on my situation and try to see things from a different angle. it always helps to have a different perspective, one that requires me to put my life in its place in the greater, grander scheme of things.

it is officially day 4 of my so-called rehab and i am steadily (hopefully) getting better. the prior days have seen me go through a roller coaster of withdrawal symptoms, some being more taxing than the rest. despite it all, it helps a lot to be a creature of habit. my day's structure keeps me distracted, long enough to actually be productive on better days. i still brace myself though for sudden " emotional seizures". they tend to surprise me in the most unexpected of moments, i.e, while driving; while doing a number 1 or 2; while shoving my spoon into the cheek of a star apple; while in mid-rep of my doing my bench presses, to name a few. i find that dealing with them would often leave me utterly drained, too fatigued to do anything else after that. thankfully so, i am getting more adept in catching myself from falling too far into despair. either the symptoms are weakening or i am finally learning to let things go and move on. either way, it's all good.

last night, i finally had that talk with mother, the one we were supposed to have but never did. she caught me at the peak of my day's melancholy, another seizure i was having while washing my mug, go figure. her steady look on me while i pouted over the slippery suds was enough to draw out my thoughts. i was not as emotional anymore. the day's work had already depleted me and i usually find myself more objective at night. as i voiced out my views, she listened as how all super moms do. we had a calm discussion about my situation and how it was i'm handling it. though i had been warned before not to consider my mom as my shrink, she was still my mom. i talk to my mom. she expressed her views on why i keep finding myself in these predicaments and gave her advice as to how i can avoid further heartache. her words were simple, as how all great suggestions often are.

"you find yourself in these situations because you are being taught how to be the master of your emotions."

"we have the Lord. pursue the Lord. we may be defeated or sad in our situations and the world is full of problems, why then would you want to find happiness there? but our true joy is in the Lord."

her words were just a reiteration of the whispers i had already been hearing from my spirit. i think i just had to hear it from her lips to believe that the anointing i have from within is also true. i nodded my head in affirmation. we prayed.

wisdom and strength comes at a high price, i once said. i think i have already given my payment.

mga muni-muni ng pagkapuyat

alas-tres y medya na ngayon. ilang sandali na lang, bente kuwatrong oras na ang nakalipas nang huli akong napikit upang makatulog. dilat na dilat pa rin ang utak, wala namang 'tong iniisip pero ayaw paring sumoko sa tukso ni antok. pilit pa rin siyang nagmamatigas habang hinahayaan ako, lasing na sa pagod, na manatiling gising. sumasakit na ang ulo, naduduling na ang paningin, hirap nang mag-type at magbasa at kanina, dahil ingles ako magsulat, hirap na ring magisip kung paano isulat ang laman ng ulo. di ko lang alam kung bakit tagalog bigla ang gamit ko ngayon.

ganun siguro yun. pagpuyat, tagalog na ang lingua franca ng aking kaluluwa, kung ano pa mang parte sa kanya ang nananatiling gising. natahimik na kasi ang sumasapaw na masedukadong parte ng aking isipan. wala na akong pakialam sa balirala, ispeling, o pambantas man. hala bira at sulat na lang ng sulat! pansin ko rin pagnakukulangan ako ng pahinga, "bumibilog ang buwan". tulog na rin kasi ang konsensya kaya lahat ng puwedeng maisip na katarantaduhan at kamunduhan, naiisip at nararamdaman din. ganito siguro ang pakiramdam ko kapag ako'y malasing. nawawala lahat ng takot at konsiderasyon, tanging naiiwan lang ay ang hilaw na ideya at ang desisyon kung gagawin ko ba o hindi.

pakiramdam ko ngayon ay para akong lumulutang sa ere. minamabuti kong itakda lahat ng nararanasan ko ngayon dahil sa aking palagay, mahaga na matandaan ko itong lahat dahil baka di na to mangyari muli. ayaw ko na itong mangyari muli. minsan lang naman kasi akong napupuyat habang nagaaruga ng pusong sumasakit, at minsan lang naman rin ako, dahil sa puyat, nagiging ganitong katapat sa sarili. alam kong malilintikan na naman ako sa aking sasabihin ngunit, hinahanap hanap ko pa rin ang bagay na aking naiwan. iniisip ko parin kung paano kaya kung naiba ang mga pangyayari. kung naging ibang tao kami. kung di ako sobrang takot. kung di ako sobrang nananalig. kung sana, di kami dalawang lalaki na nalulok sa bawal na pag-ibig. alam ko man na tama ang aking ginawa, ngunit di pa rin gumaan ang aking pakiramdam at di pa rin gumiginhawa ang aking sitwasyon na, sa aking palagay, ay nararapat kapag tama ang desisyon mo, diba? pero ganyan lang daw talaga, sabi ni pinsan kagabi. minsan, masakit at nakakasakit ang maging tama, pero kailangan pa rin itong gawin. matagal ko pa raw 'tong dadalhin. matagal-tagal ko pa rin daw ito maiisip at mararamdaman, pero lahat man ay maykatapusan rin. 'wag lang daw akong mawalan ng pagasa at maiinip.

napansin ko, medyo gising pa pala ako nung sinulat ko yung unang talata. madami pala akong iniisip kaya di mapahinga ang utak. pero ngayon... di na ako nagsisinungaling.

masubukan ngang matulog muli.

lessons to learn

funny how the fates operate for it seems, during the past few days, either my inherent propensity for drama had already caused them irreparable damage or they just had enough of my issues, and in vengeance and maybe to take a break as well, decided to make my life a trifle more toxic, to their utter entertainment of course.

a brief heart to heart with my very objective kuya drove in the awful truth of why i keep finding myself in these predicaments. partly due to my stubbornness, partly due to my habit to over indulge, partly due to stupidity, carelessness and recklessness, and to some degree though i am still struggling with the fact, my unconsciousness need for attention. there was enlightening wisdom in what he said, this after i turned my immediate emotional defense mechanism off. i do recall being warned of my tendencies before but had convinced myself that i had already mastered them, more so, whatever it was that i was doing, it was just me being good, being kind, being likable, being "friendly", exercising my PR. unfortunately, as how my situation presented itself, my supposed mastery of my people skills only proved to be a delusional farce. the truth hit me like a pile of bricks and take it from me, it was not pleasant at all. there was a moment of internal squirming and struggle, i have to admit, but i kept myself still and forced myself not to budge. it was definitely bitter medicine and i needed to keep it down. in a while, after my emotional flare tempered down, kuya's heavy words finally settled. harsh, hurtful, repulsive but undeniably true. salamat.

i will not deny that in the recent days leading to this gloomy monday morn, my life had been rather tumultuous. the days have been long and the nights, longer, but despite this i am glad to say, with lots of help, i am getting by. mistakes have been made (again) and lessons needed to be refreshed and relearned, that hopefully this time around, it would finally latch on to my long term memory. my recovery from this unpleasant stumble, so far, has been smoother compared to the others in the past. i guess when you fall as many times as i have, you learn to feel less and learn to deal more, ultimately, healing faster. it was probably this reason why life, sensing i was coping too fast, too quick, decided to throw in a few "tests" my way, just to check if i really did learned my lesson in a practical sense.

the moral learned from this most recent ordeal (and all the prior ordeals, come to think of it) was NOT TO LEAD PEOPLE ON. despite all my honest and kind intentions to be friendly, funny and accommodating, not backing away when i needed to and nipping things at the bud as things (obviously) begin to unravel has been my greatest mistake. no sooner did i realize this did i get a text message from a chat mate i "ended" things with more than a year ago. out of the blue, i tell you, he suddenly wanted to get in touch with me again. he asked how i was was and was surprised that i still had his number. he wanted to chat again and talk and even hinted if we could meet. i swear, up until this point.. my head had been spinning! talk about the cogs of divine comedy cranking, what was happening to me was almost SURREAL! and he wasn't the first who wanted to all of a sudden touch base. in the span of just two days since that fateful saturday jog, FOUR people, all of whom i haven't had contact for a long time all seemed to have agreed and decide to drop their "hi's" and "how are you's". truth be told, fighting off the urge to engage in casual chit chat with them was almost the death of me. kuya's words echoed loud. i did still succumb to greeting and return some of the messages though, for old time sake, but felt horrible for myself afterward. kuya's voice now giving his "tsks tsks".

i guess things are really easier said that done. i just hope in the coming days, i can find myself to be stronger, maybe to a certain extent, be more calloused. it really is all for the best.

on another wave of the divine stretching its intervening muscles, someone emailed my kuya this last night and he just HAD to read it outloud to me.

wise words from a wise man.... Bob Ong.

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka ng magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya..."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na di mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kung alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo ipagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sa iyo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka lang ng lalandi sa iyo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo...dapat lumandi ka rin..."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sa iyo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na rin sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo, wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na mahal ka pero di mo mahal...kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba, kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap mo sa telepono, kasama mo sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa, eh may gusto sa iyo at kayo na ang magkakatuluyan. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalake. Tatlo, lima sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng maganda. Totoong mas maganda ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anupaman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan, nagmumukha ding pandesal...maniwala ka..."

13. "Minsan, kahit ikaw ang naka-schedule, kailangan mo pa ring maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ang bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap mo uli ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. "Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay, kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala."

17. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin at kasinungalingan."

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng isang taong hindi dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na komukontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organ mo ang mga sama ng loob sa buhay mo. Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sa buhay mo...kundi...ikaw mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at pag nahulog ka, it's either by accident o talagang tanga ka."

amen!

25 random things

i was already tagged a few weeks back on my facebook account and published there already my list, but since i got tagged again here by mksurf8, here's another 25 things about me.

1. people keep asking me why i call myself a polar bear. it's simple really, i love the cold. i thrive in it. the colder the better. i was once in shanghai during winter. it was 3 degrees then and i was just wearing a wind breaker. my guide had 4 layers of clothing on and could not believe i was still alive and actually enjoying myself. hehehe, i guess i was too distracted playing with the mist my breath would make and how my piss would steam in the frigid weather.

2. considering how much i love the cold, i also believe i bring with me, together with my kuya, freaky weather. it snowed in shanghai when we were there, considering it rarely snows in shanghai. when i was in dubai, it rained so hard, it flooded. according to my arab boss, it hasn't rained that hard in more than a decade. when kuya went to texas, he brought with him snow as well.

3. i know how to use the abacus. my parents made me learn it over one summer since they could not stand me wasting 3 precious months of my vacation not doing anything at home but get fat. i learned, but i never applied it. what for i thought when calculators are far more superior. i should have argued with my folks since i was having trigonometry the coming school year. try getting the functions of the triangle using an abacus... i DARE YOU!

4. like most chinese immigrants in manila, i can speak 3 languages fluently, depending on who i speak to. tagalog with friends, english with my younger relatives, chinese with the older ones. though now that i am older, it seems i am finding that i get to speak chinese more often. i actually wish i practiced it more since i feel embarrassed whenever people speak to me in chinese and i can't understand most of what they say.

5. i am a gourmand. i will try to eat practically anything just to find out what it tastes like, never mind if it's totally gross for some people. the weirdest food i have had, locust (a delicacy in pampanga) and lamb brain sandwich ( a lebanese delight). i however will not choose to eat balut, simply for the fact that i dislike my food looking back at me before i bite into it.

6. i am a keen observer, i would think. i can take in a lot of information from a quick glance, so much that i would be surprised how some people don't even see the things i see since i didn't even take that much time looking. then again, i also miss a lot of details, especially if the subject is of no interest to me.

7. i hate math. i loved geometry and trigo tho, especially when it came to proving. that was the only exercise in logic that i excelled in as far as math was concerned. but as far as the sciences go, biology was my ultimate love. i loved it so much, i wanted to be a doctor.

8. i also loved history and the arts. high school for me was the best, especially when we were studying asian and world history. i can still recall a lot of the info we learned from back then now actually. i loved it THAT much.

9. people say i'm like a walking encyclopedia. i store things in my brain in bits and pieces and just go through my mental Rolodex when needed. i would actually get emails and phone calls from friends here and abroad to ask for me to prove their queries or ask for info about subjects that they sometimes are too lazy to research for themselves. i wouldn't be surprised if one of these days, someone would use me as a life line for who wants to be a millionaire.

10. i don't have any vice. none whatsoever. i don't smoke because i think it's super unhealthy. i don't drink because i'm allergic. i don't gamble because i don't want to burn in hell. i never did drugs, not even steroids, even if everyone in the gym thinks i had "help" getting fit.

11. i am addicted however to working out. gym has served as my sanctuary and had helped me through many issues i have had in my life. call me cheesy but if it weren't for working out, i would probably be dead by now. i started working out because my sedentary lifestyle was taking a toll on my health. i was also depressed. gym did so much for me, for my health, for my mental well being. lately, it has also been a place for me to escape and just be.

12. speaking of working out, since i started, i have now lost a total of 56 pounds. i used to wear size 42 pants and XXL shirts. i can now fit into a size 32 and wear medium shirts. i can now run without pain. i can wash dishes without my back hurting. my liver is super healthy. my kidneys are no longer leaking protein. my goiter is now under control. i also now rarely get sick.

13. i only came out to my folks last year. my mom knows, my kuya knows. my dad, though i still have to muster the courage of telling him, believe that he's not blind to see that i'm more flamboyant that your typical guy. my family handled my coming out rather well, though they still express their concerns whenever i meet up with fellow gays. my mom in particular still struggle sometimes with the fact that i may never give her any grandchildren. it saddens me as well that in this respect, i can never succeed and honor their wishes.

14. i am a christian. my family is christian as well. my lolo was a missionary who fled china as they were being persecuted there, his contemporaries imprisoned, some even executed. our faith in God runs deep. my lola said one time that this is our true heritage, my inheritance. she got mad at me once when i told her i didn't want to go to church since my friends were inviting me out to watch a movie. i have never seen her so serious in my life and have tried to value my "inheritance" as much as i could since then.

15. in truth, i am a quiet person. you could leave me at a corner and i would sit there alone and be totally content.

16. my greatest love was that of my sunshine. it was the best feeling i had. it was the worst heart break as well. but as of today, another had taken his place, and i had to endure another heart ache.

17. i am extremely fickle. it takes me forever to make a choice, more so, a purchase. it drives my folks crazy sometimes the amount of consideration i would do for a simple item. i recall once, in the hunt for the perfect pair of leather shoes, i had to search for it in 4 different countries in the span of two years. i eventually found it at albertos in glorietta and wore them till they DIED!

18. i once told my cousin, if i were only to eat one type of food forever, that that food would be pork and beans. i still stand by that decision, even if i hadn't had pork and beans in almost a decade now.

19. i am a geek. i loved school and loved studying. i enjoyed the controlled environment and thrived in tasks being handed out to me. i loved the competition. i have two degrees under my belt, both of which i excelled in. i graduated cum laude when i finished physiotherapy, and summa cum laude when i finished interior design. i originally was supposed to go to med school but decided to take a gamble and follow my heart and go to design. i'm loving what i do now though the money ain't that great.

20. though i cannot say my english is the best, i think it's not that bad. i get a reflex tic whenever i hear wrong grammar or a very stiff accent. i learned how to speak english through listening and watching countless episodes of cartoons and sesame street, so i guess, i value how it sounds more than how it reads. i don't really know where i got it from but my tic has steadily gotten worse over the years. hence, i cannot bear to read some blogs, more so, talk to some people. when i do find myself in situations and the person i am with is obviously struggling with english, i speak in tagalog nalang.... at least, paraho kaming masaya. i however don't think i as severe as a friend of mine who refuses to befriend anyone who can't speak english well.

21. i hate driving. partly because of laziness, partly because i easily get anxious, party because i hate the drivers in my side of town. despite that, i don't drive cautiously though, but instead, i drive like a crazed pakistani cab driver desperately in need of a pee! if my mom, who rides with me sometimes, had a choice to wear built in airbags, she would. she doesn't know that i know, but whenever she rides with me in the car, i know even in her silence, she is praying for safety!

22. i have a very active imagination, even now that i'm older. i would find myself role playing at home, having dialogues with myself like i'm playing some character in a movie. i would find myself suddenly burst into a brief dance or even start humming a tune of my creation, just like that without any particular reason. vestiges i guess of learning to cope with my loneliness as a child, not having playmates at home except my dolls and action figures. o yes... i had dolls to play with as a child.

23. i am very limber. due to my long torso and my hyper-mobile thorax, i can fold myself to greater extents than your normal non-contortionist person. it's an optical illusion really since i just have a long torso. my hamstrings are tight and my low back is rigid actually. despite this though, i can still reach my toes with my knees straight easily, and on a dare, even go as low as "there" :) and no, i will NOT do that again even if you pay me.... well, depends how much you pay me! hehehehe.

24. i just found out that i am allergic to stress. i kid you not. my doctor told me so! i was surprised myself! my skin breaks out in hives and would start bleeding. it's rather gross since my skin looks like i got scalded. it gets worse over summer, for very obvious reasons. now you know why i love the cold so much.

25. i can drink a quadruple espresso cafe americano ( to the surprise of the barista who attended to me) and still fall soundly asleep. caffeine has no effect on me apparently.

there you go. 25 random things about me.

who to tag? hmmm, can i request misterhubs, dats of datswhy, architect reena, dabo, jaybeecc and gentle to tell us something about themselves :)

say giselle bundchen 10 times really fast!

it was a welcomed distraction and quite incidentally since i was recovering from a "bad" beaching incident. lesson learned, arctic creatures such as myself should never strut around topless, much more, peltless in algae infested waters. our glorious coat shields us from the sun for a very good reason.... the sun and us, we're not friends!

burnt skin chaffing under my cotton blend shirt, slowly drying from running around makati doing the day's activities, i arrived late (much to my consternation) to le souffle to attend the product launch of the giselle bundchen ipanema collection. this would be my first ever event to attend as a guest and i honestly had no idea how to behave. intermission muna, THANKS SO MUCH FELLOW BLOGGER FOR THE INVITE! anyways, so there i was, at le souffle. ahhh, the memories of this resto. last time i was here, i was savoring a delectable piece of sea bass with my fam while celebrating my graduation from design school. the food was excellent... though i still could not understand why a fine restaurant would opt for the warehouse look for its interiors. ANYWAY!!! back to the launch party.

unbeknown to a lot of people, i think i never got over my stranger anxiety as a child since till this day at the ripe old age of (ACHOOO!), i still find myself get restless when in unfamiliar environs and surrounded by unfamiliar people. though i can put up a front wherein it looks like i am comfortable in my surrounds, deep down inside, i would probably be pissing myself already. so imagine my utter relief when i was greeted upon entering by the blogger, him (whom, am deciding not to mention his name since, well, he enjoys his anonymity). it was my first time to ever see him actually, despite having chatted with him over YM for some time now. he waved and gestured me to the registration, busy since his company handled the PR for the event. still feeling restless but not wanting to be a pest and cling on to the only "familiar" person i know, i allowed myself to be directed by the ushers on site. thankfully so, i did not have to wait long for two other blogging friends soon arrived to keep me company.

we sat at a table near the stage. it offered me a good view of the show as well as the door for i had also planned to star gaze that night. him informed me that a good number of well known ppl might show and i wanted to discreetly gaze at them and maybe even bask in borrowed starlight :) my friends and i chitchatted for a while as we waited for the place to fill up. our attentive waiter, emerson, was kind enough to refill our bread basket as we devour its contents almost instantly the moment the basket would touch the table. as i have mentioned before, i did not know how to behave, besides, i was really hungry and could practically eat a COW! sensing probably my growing ravenousness towards bread, emerson eventually informed us that the buffet was ready. BUFFET!??? i gazed at emerson's now angelic looking face with bread in mid-swallow, a twinkle in my eye, his beckoning hand directed me to the mezzanine floor. i looked back at my seatmates and in our silence, it was already agreed what our next activity would be. satiation awaits!

dinner and dessert at le souffle never fails to impress and satisfy. i am sorry but unlike my kuya who can restrain himself from eating by taking pics of his food first, i on the other hand could care less about documenting the future contents of my stomach. food will always be eaten first in my world! :) no offense to food bloggers out there, your discipline is award-worthy! here... have a biscuit as a reward! harharhar!

rubbing my tummy and mourning the loss of a week's worth of gym, the show finally expressed signs of starting. lights dimming, a voice-over, the mestizo owner graciously welcoming us, and the dancers finally appeared. my friend had wondered how it was that the organizers were going to pull this one off, highlighting flip flops. their ingenious solution, through modern ballet.

dancers, wearing body fitting, spandexy costumes started prancing about to Portuguese beats while flaying arms and feet would display the product of the night, subtlety. i'm pretty sure i could have appreciated the show more, if only i had enough blood retained in my brain as i swore while i watched these pirouetting bodies, stretching and spinning and contorting before me, that all the blood in my body was all directed down there... to my stomach. man, was i full!

the night pretty much ended with that. after the great number, the organizers arranged photo ops with the owners and some note worthy bloggers (which i am sure i am not part of in any way) and even had a raffle draw. my friend actually won, but since we had left already when they drew his name, he award was forfeited. hehehehe, sayang.

overall, my first product launch was pretty fun! i got to meet interesting people, see first hand a new line (feeling style editor!), got to witness a good show and got to take home, in my tummy, a free meal when i needed it the most! hehehehehe. i would like to thank again him for inviting me and hope that i get to attend more events like this. promise, next time, i won't eat as much! :)

tristesse

found myself humming this song all of a sudden. it's a french piece written by chopin, the lyrics of which i never really understood, which i also never bothered to find out its meaning. that was until now, then it all made sense why i was humming it.

it almost makes me want to cry.

tristesse, sung by tino rossi (1907-1983)




L'ombre s'enfuit, adieu beau rêve
Où les baisers sont frais comme des fleurs
La nuit fut brève
Hélas pourquoi si tôt fermer nos coeurs
A l'appel du bonheur ?
L'ombre s'enfuit, ma lèvre hésite
A murmurer l'après de nos aveux
Des mots d'adieu
Le soleil paraît trop vite
Faut-il donc que l'on se quitte ?
Demain par ta voix je voudrais tant,
Je voudrais tant retarder l'aurore
Et t'aimer encore.

L'ombre s'enfuit, tout n'est que songe
Et tu n'es plus, malgré tous nos désirs,
Qu'un souvenir
Si l'amour n'est que mensonge
Au parfum triste qui ronge
S'il est vrai qu'à moi même tu mens,
Sache pourtant que toujours quand même
Cher amour je t'aime
Eperdument
Eperdument.


SORROW

The shadows fly away, goodbye beautiful dreams
where the kisses were fresh as flowers.
The night was short.
Why do we close our hearts so early
calling the happiness?
The shadows fly away, and my lips hesitate
To murmur after our confession
words of good bye.
The sun sets too quickly
Well is it necessary to part?
Tomorrow I would retard with your voice,
I would retard so much the dawn
And would love you still.

The shadows fly away, nothing is but a dream,
In spite of all our wishes you are nothing else
but a remembrance.
If love is only an untruth
of sad perfume witch gnaw,
If it is true that you lie me,
Let you know that even so, for all that
Dear love, I always love you
Passionately,
Passionately.

the run

i ran under the moonlight that one tuesday morning, the sun not yet peering over the horizon. under its eerie borrowed light, i paced myself, taking care not to exhaust all my energy as i trained, for i still had planed a long way ahead. the grandstand always looked majestic in the shadows, its monolithic facade only highlighted by the feeble glow of dim lamps situated across the street. it stood there, an art deco edifice to past grandeur, like a proud royal surveying its kingdom, Nebuchadnezzar praising over his Babylon before God struck him down.

i listened to myself, my feet, the regularity of them hitting the cold, hard pavement. the beat was almost hypnotic, coupled with the sound of my breathing, ushering me slowly into my zone. the runners beside me had already entered theirs and i had no desires to be left unmatched. they slowly started to fade as my concentration began to sharpen. in a matter of seconds, i was the only one left relevant. i was now alone with only the road in front of me as my sole companion. the path was smooth despite the irregularities of the asphalt. the course was familiar as i had ran it many times before. the feeling, however, was new, fresh, and strangely foreign. it had been months since i ran out in the open again and my body has already forgotten how it felt to be on the naked road.

this would be my first run for the year. it was imperative that i get myself used to running again as i have a race come month's end. though i have been training on the treadmill for a few weeks now, it was still best to get accustomed to actual race scenarios as this would prepare me more, both physically and mentally, for what i will actually face. there is also a certain rush i get when i find myself in the midst of fellow runners on the road. their energy, some, their determination for whatever ends it may be, somehow also becomes my own. it energizes me and i find myself running faster, running stronger. i can only hope they feed on mine as well, my payment for their service as my inspiration.

i strode with a heightened sense of awareness, making myself conscious of each muscle, ligament, joint and bone, taking care that they all work properly and synchronously to my every command. it was rather arduous as expected since i had foreseen i will be getting used to the new environment again. with each landing of my foot, it sent a shock wave up my leg to my ever complaining hip, which till today reminds me constantly how i had abused it on my previous race. thankfully so, its unrelenting nagging is always met by my unyielding stubbornness and it eventually gives in.

by that time, i would believe my body was now fully engaged as a machine. i was conserving energy and yet releasing them in bursts with each stride. my torso was rigid, my pelvis relaxed, my legs strong. past my landmarks i went, they served as my opponents, obstacles i had to conquer. tamaraws and carabaos, hero's obelisks and clock towers, they all stood in front of me, blocking me from my goal. round and round i ran, along the path, until fatigue started to set in. my muscles began to tense as the shocks were already pushing them to their limits. my brain was telling me to stop running, to rest, but i knew not to listen. not yet, this was a trick my mind would play. i was not truly exhausted yet for i knew my body well, my limits have not yet been reached. the pain was becoming more marked now, toxins slowly irritating my nerves. i felt my heart thump with a strong beat, my breathing heavy and deep, i was waiting for "it" to kick in and i knew succumbing to my body's pangs now would just rob me of that moment. my brain sensing i had no plans of relenting, it shot me with a dose of endorphins, immediately silencing my complaining members. i smiled as i felt my efforts were validated, my reward for my determination. i was now on my 4th kilometer and i bolted forward to "finish strong", as they say.

as i crossed my finish line and gradually decelerated to a halt, i could not help it but feel proud of my achievement. it was not much, i knew, for what is really 5 kilometers? but as a runner once told me, it's not really the distance that matters the most but how you condition your mind for indeed, marathons are not all about just harnessing the body. i have always thought my will was weak and have found that it was only in my morning runs do i exercise it. 5 kilometers down and my will is already singing praises. i wonder what more joy it would bring if i decide on the 10k next time.

another, mom over the dining table.

i have been carrying around with me a little secret that i try my best not to tell. it's a little parcel that i hold dear to my heart, almost like an evading child greedily trying not to share. i know of its contents, i know of the bliss it offers me, i know of it's addicting properties and i know also the consequences it entails if i indulge myself too much... and no, my secret is not chocolate.

i have tried for many days now to wean myself of my ever growing cravings for i have found myself distracted. i have pangs almost constantly. i think about it, dream about it even when i am awake. there have been times when i would catch myself willing for it to materialize before me, that in my mind, it does, almost becoming corporeal, palpable, tactile. i have never wanted something so bad. but such is the problem i have with my little secret, that in its essence, even if it offers me immeasurable joy every time i savor it, that in the end it is bad. though the child in me struggles to cling on to it with all the might a simple needy child could muster, the adult in me simply just could not let things be.

i sat by our round dinner table last night, right beside mother, my place ever since. even if i looked like i was fully engrossed in consuming my meal, my mind was in a wander, stalking my secret for it still lusted for it. i had to tell someone, i said, even if it means opening my beautiful parcel to the scrutiny of others, other who cannot understand. i set my fork down and took a breath of courage and turned to mother. joined to the soul, she turned to me, already smelling something was coming up. her eyes were clear, translucent, looking straight into mine with all tenderness that only a mother can offer to her offspring. a swallow, a moment of hesitation, and then i started. "mom... can i tell you something?"

her initial reaction was normal. she shuddered almost like her body was immersed in frigid waters. she had mastered the art of repression so long that on the moments reality would kiss her, a dam of stored emotions and reflexes and reactions would suddenly come gushing out. i was not offended by it for i knew my mother, she needed to get attuned. her face contorted and she let off a long sigh of despair for again, her hopes that her son would turn out to be normal was again crushed by the affirmation that i was not. i let her be, to go through the discomfort for she needed to do it, for her sake as well. i consider it a truth prophylaxis, small doses here and there until, hopefully, her moments of shock will eventually cease.

she had looked away from me now, her face looking focused. she was clearly struggling with the information i had just divulged and as how i know her and her process, she was now taking counsel from her greater source. mother was always my hot line to heaven. with a pained look, she then turned back to me and asked "so what do you do now?". "i don't know, ma", i replied. we talked a bit more about my secret, dissecting it and considering its parts. we spoke in hushed tones since father lingered about and she did not want him to be involved in any way. we eventually decided to leave things be for now. mother gestured that this required far greater discussion and the dining table was not the place for it. she set a time for me that evening... but we never got to have that talk. i was already busy at work and she too had to finish her's for the day. though our conversation was left unresolved, i could not help it but feel a bit more relieved. i did not feel as heavy anymore and a tad of the burden my little secret offered had obviously been lifted away.

the beached polar bear

to think that this would be my first time to set foot at boracay's world famous shores, i was unusually unexcited. kuya was running through lists in his head, making sure he had all our documents in order. we were a large group, 9 in total, and coordinating so many with barely any sleep yet was quite a task indeed. he did, however manage to pull it off without incident, no surprise really except for me wondering sometimes how i could be related to such an amazing person. in no time, we found ourselves dropping our bags in our huge room with the turquoise waves just outside our door. i was finally in boracay.

this was supposed to be an "escape" trip of some sorts for me. the prior week had been rather hectic, both at work and "somewhere else" and as i thought fate had it, being distanced from all of these were supposed to be good for my run down soul. but as i should have learned this lesson long ago, never ever commit the sin of presumption. fate apparently had something else in mind for distance, in this hi-tech age of ours offer no more reprieve. work followed me to the beach (easily managed thankfully. it helps to travel with businessmen, i found. you tend to imbibe their sharp acumen) and that "something else" that prompted many posts prior to this one, well, it never left my side.

not wanting to be a wet blanket though, i did try to enjoy myself still. this wasn't just my vacation anyways but also the vacation of 8 others as well, all of which were well deserving of the peace the beach can offer. the beach, well, the beach on the other hand had something more than just peace to provide, or rather, with the weather in conspiracy with it. in the 4 days we were there, 3 were overcast and rainy, with only the last day when the sun finally showed it missed face. the cool, unheated waters, dirtied by the industries that have sprouted like mushrooms along the island's banks, have contributed to a thriving forest of algae... perfect food for small little fishies that zigzag their way as you wade through the shallow, clear waters. and as the food chain goes, where little fishies reside... the larger, more predatory jellyfishies are never too far away, as kuya's friend eventually found it. needless to say, we were all a bit more paranoid whenever we step into the waters and get extra jumpy when something brushes along us. thankfully, seaweed and dried palm leaves don't leave lasting impression, more so, their contact itching like crazy.

the waters have had their laughs with us. now, its the sky's turn. the overcast days were truly a disappointment for its dusky gray illumination seemed to have sucked a lot out of the vibrant life of people on the beach. not that many people frolicked in the waters (maybe because of the jellies too) and many looked like they would just rather stay in and sleep, or beach comb, like what i did. a friend asked me to pick up some mementos for him and being the loyal friend that i am, i did. up and down the sands i walked, taking a bit longer in some areas, and breezing through the rest. in about an hour or so, i had gathered quite a few unusual finds already: shells; bits of coral; barnacle fragments; and oxidized iron pieces that once were parts of a boat to name a few. in about an hour or so as well, i realized i was already as red as a suckling pig ready to be served to a hoard of hungry orientals as appetizer! the cool breeze and the filtered light was truly deceptive for though my body did not feel hot, my skin however was still being bombarded by invisible UV rays. wearing a sando made things worse since my sando "stayed on" even if i took my sando off already. being as pale as your morning breakfast milk, the contrast was very extreme. it thereby became the agenda for the succeeding days to even out my rather embarrassing burn, more so because most of the tops i brought with me were all sandos, unable to conceal my shame! i have never been comfortable walking around shirtless since it makes me feel like i'm being cocky, but with my particular predicament, i am just glad to say, THANK GOODNESS i work out. to pacify my discreet upbringing however, i walked around with my head bowed :) after 3 days of baking, i am happy to report i am now EVEN.

the sand it seemed also wanted to get a slice of my sour boracay pie. my growing restlessness due to the limited activities at the beach made me seek a bit more action. my marathon was near and 4 days of no gym or jogging made my body crave for endorphins. i then decided to jog. i invited kuya if he would like to accompany me and he gladly obliged. by 5am, i was already awake and after having my quiet time and doing some pilates moves i had picked up to stretch, i was geared already to get my runner's rush. kuya and i started at 7am when the sun had finally come up. we both didn't bring shoes with us and were confident running barefoot wouldn't be so bad since there were quite a few who were doing it and it didn't look quite that uncomfortable. we set our course, starting at our quarters, avoiding the tide line and aimed for the firm, sifted sand. the edge of the coast was the turning point before we head back to where we started.

all i can say was it was a fortunate thing we ran in daylight. as i broke away from my kuya so i can keep my pace, i noticed that he kept stopping to pick things up and continued running again. he did this several times and i only presumed he was trying to catch his breath or rest. by the time we met each other at the finish point did he hand over to me the items which were causing him to stop. in his hand were about 10 large pieces of broken glass, remnants of bottles or bulbs that were sticking out of the fine sand. the sight of them sent a cold chill down my spine since i could only imagine how nasty it would be to accidentally step into one of those, more so, get ur self bloodied around those razor-sharp edges. thankfully, the sand was the only one who didn't take with it a casualty.

boracay must be a beautiful place since it still attracts people to it like bees to honey. hell, marc nelson is here so often, ppl ignore him already completely! but i as i looked around the things that made boracay this haven for beach goers the world over, i could not help it but ask myself, what's so beautiful about this? knowing that it was my first time there, one of kuya's friend's asked me what was my impression of boracay. all i said was it was so commercialized, and she just nodded in agreement. boracay apparently, before this tourist boom happened, was truly magnificent. a sight to see, an experience to relish. i could only compare how this place must have looked before, almost like the beaches of coron, which to this day still hold a special place in my memories. but now, with all the storefronts and the hotels and the restaurants and the tourist's that jam pack its congested shores, the beach, the island, is starting to give, buckling to the insatiable appetite of commerce and unregulated greed. the waters, though still clear is polluted. you can feel the stickiness, the grime. you can smell it for there is no refreshing ionized scent familiar to that of sea spray. the sand, though still white in many places, are now tinged with grey and green, colors contributed by garbage and sewage, not to mention litter like glass and whatnot's inconsiderate people drop as they walk by. the coastline, once clad with palm trees to shield you have now relinquished their places for inns, and bars and cafes. the people, who's lives were simpler, more honest before, now have to contend with a different lifestyle, one that requires them to be more shrewd, cunning, and manipulative, quite corrupt from how life once were.

hmmm, this place almost resembles the city, only with a beach.

sayang....

i however wish i could see boracay as the place people i know romanticize about, for truly it has potentials of being one's paradise. but basing from my past four days experience here, i have a feeling, my paradise lies elsewhere.

* * * * *

kuya brought with him his newest toy, a canon G10 which takes awesome pics. trying to maybe cheer me up and also practice his shutterbug skills, he took a pic of me as i was contemplating over the sunset.


bronzen and all, he said i looked "fierce". i guess this is what polar bears look like when we find ourselves in the beach.

running on the beach

the pristine white sand was truly inviting. its texture, as a good friend once told me to consider, was something my feet now craved. the morning was overcast. the clouds mirrored the turbulence of its denser sister below. the ocean waves was still in recovery from the night's storm, the unsuspecting beach now bearing remnants of the purifying powers of wind and water. i stood in front of our villa and took a waft of the sea breeze and cast my gaze to as far off a distance as my eyes can take it. a destination was determined, the jagged cove in the end where the sand meets the rocks. i took my shirt off, my sandals off and tightened my shorts. i took a moment to feel the abrasive fineness of the sand between my toes and took a deep breath again, inhaling all the cleansing benefits the sunday morning at boracay offered, hoping in my exhalation, my breath will too take all my woes away. i took the initial step, the catalyst that would determine my task. the next was equal to the first, only more determined, it setting my course. the third was a step of power, the ball of my foot slapping the welcoming, but firm sand. soon, i found my cadence. i was running. i was running against the wind but i didn't mind. i was running past sleepy lodges, houses and quarters. past waking visitors and busy sojourners, past children and their adults, past dogs and their masters. past trees and fences, not bothering to wonder what it must be to look out forever into the sea. past my fears, my worries, my regrets, hoping when i depart tomorrow, i would have at last found my peace.

when i look at the sky

i flee to the sea,

but neglect to remember

to leave you behind.

you were everywhere,

even days were not exempt.

o, difficult morns.

but distance will heal.

it should, it must, it has to.

i will finish it.

what has been playing in my car

who ever said LSS can just be limited to songs with lyrics is GROSSLY MISTAKEN!

one week down and its still playing in my head....



i just love it!

a very long sigh

it is quite a lot to process, these emotions, that is, especially that of which i am not so adept in handling. why does it have to be this difficult, this complicated, this sickening? it chokes you, it strangles you, it leaves you breathless like drowning, and yet despite the torture it lends your weakened beaten soul, you still, deep down, find strange joy in it. indeed, even if you swore under your breath and cursed the creator of this despicable feeling, you still find yourself smiling, desiring, craving for more.

i am left feverish, dizzy, nauseated at times. i shake, i tremble for it presents itself to me an unconquerable mountain that i have been tasked to climb. the path perilous, the journey, unforgiving. have i not tread this already before, once not so long ago, i humbly ask my creator? had it not already proven that i am worthy, that i can be selfless, that i can be strong, that i know what it is to sacrifice? had it not already taken enough of me, a chunk of me, crippled me in its wake? had i not already given enough, held back enough, surrendered enough, that something so remarkably similar would come back and disturb the dusts of the past? the bitter scent it had had only just dissipated and now i have to deal with this, a new foul smelling censer.

how can something so beautiful cause so much grief, i ask you once again, imploring your uncreated wisdom into demystifying this that is plaguing me. Lord, i am weary, i utter. Lord, i am weak. Lord, save me. surely your precious name is all powerful for i know it is. surely it can offer me the reprieve i need.... that is, unless it is your divine intent that i do travail again. if so, then show me grace. show me mercy. show me timely help.

i am, being deconstructed again, aren't i? built in the wrong manner and am now being torn down again. my wounds are raw but i cannot dress them. you instead allow vile flies to come and lick them dry for me. your methods are truly beyond my comprehension, but i rest my faith still in you. i have no other recourse. i seek no other savior.

i die now. i submit to this termination. i hope i have not painted you in unfavorable light. allow me however, to offer my last words that it can be my legacy to its precious recipient.

know your duties to whom it is good and favorable
for though you too now tread an unpleasant path
take into full knowledge that you walk in great company
and under its most glorious light.
do so as you have promised for you are indeed, good.
do so because you too have heard the best call.
my lord is merciful, my lord is kind, my lord is all-sufficient.
thank you for being a true great friend.

brain diarrhea

this is my pensieve, i once said, pertaining to the cauldron of water elder dumbledore used to use to transfer his thoughts into. when chaos plagues my mind and disrupts my volatile peace, i turn to my blog to find solace. i look into this white blank screen and at the letters of my keyboard and proceed to give my tormentors a soul. my thoughts incarnate into words and appear on the awaiting canvass, dragging with them my turmoil, subsequently exorcising me of my troubles. they glare back at me for a while as they get used to their new cyber surrounds. they show a bit of resistance at first but they eventually realize that all is done, that it is finished, their power over me. and so i give them a new place to rest, an eternal home, a place where in time their fossilized remains may hopefully paint an interesting picture of the life that a wandering polar bear once chose to lead.

* * * * *

you are truly a very curious creature, i said to myself that morning, while i sat in front of my vanity, cloaked in my room's mid morning darkness. i could see my reflection on the large mirror from the corner of my eye as i proceeded to text my morning greetings. you are a curious creature, i said again, more convinced this time around. my brain wrapped around the idea, the hypothesis of the what if's and more so, the what if not's. the thoughts of the possibilities quickened my heart, it stirred from its long slumber. however, in reflex i told it to hush for surely, this was not an affair that concerned it.

my heart held its breath, almost as if holding back a sigh of longing, but it knew too well that my mind was not something it could easily contradict. it eventually exhaled, deflates and went back to sleep again. you are a curious, curious creature, i said once more, more tenderly now. the thought lingered on. there were questions held back by more questions, compounded by the strange processes that rule the operation of my brain. i hear your voice in my head, in conversation with me, but i gave you no reply. all i hear in my head was the constant remark, you are a very curious creature, and i can only presume what your reaction will be when things become real.

i hope you are not a cat.

* * * * *

i grew a bit last night, though only sitting patiently on my worn down couch, while gazing intently on the viewing screen, while waiting for the chat lines to move on their own. my demons have settled and had eventually become quiet. they no longer retained their viciousness but have now taken to themselves to move on and, i pray it won't take too long, fade away.

there is great power in relinquishing power, i realized, while typing on what almost felt like alien hands. for while all this time, my soul was desperately holding on to preserve it's sanity, my spirit was simply waiting for it to finally fail, and fail it did. quiet perseverance has its rewards, i felt. the rise of the spirit was truly a strange feeling. its presence was pure, focused, concentrated, and though therein felt no trace of violence or force, his rise to power was almost overwhelming.

i caught myself muttering a simple prayer, softly spoken under my breath. i mentioned a wonderful name and it immediately put my soul at peace. the screen continued on revealing sentence after sentence, chronicles of an unraveling bear, sentences stroked out by my spirit, ridding me of the residues of my pain.


o how i long to touch you,
for you to materialize before my face.
for my naked hand to caress and savor
the sweet incense that emanates from your skin.
in my drunkenness i dare risk
the scorching burn of a granted wish
for though, i know, the burn may be sharp
but sharpness, i argue, dulls eventually.

but to my earnest, earnest desires
my strongest self said, nay.
in his quiet repose he held me back
drawing with firm determination
the reins of my desperate soul.
he stroked my tensed neck
and combed my wild hair
he calmed me, tempered me
till my heart was appeased.

ang babae sa batis

natunaw ang liwanag
sa'yong kayumangging balat.
isang pinilakang bukal;
tila niyebeng sumusuko
sa bagsik ni amang araw.

kaakit-akit siyang umaagos,
humubog sa iyong hubad na kurba.
kumapit; bumalot; sumaplot;
at iniwan ka sa iyong
maluwalhatiang kintab.

insomnia

i tossed, i turned, like a horizontal top;
a breathless fish, struggling to find moisture.
the night darkness was in enmity with me,
i was restless, sleepless, alert, awake.
supine, prone, side-lying... all fuck'n useless!
under the sheets, perhaps, over the sheets?
clothe, topless, naked, then clothe myself again.
why tire myself playing this stupid game,
when all hope of me winning is but a dream?

while passing tayuman

isn't it a burden, i asked,
to wear a robe made of stone?
hewed from the cleft of the rock;
and chiseled to cover your nakedness.

it must bear heavily, i thought,
down on your delicate shoulders;
dragging on your beautiful hair;
clinging tightly on your fragile frame.

yet in your effortless poise, i marveled,
even if draped in a concrete prison.
you stood unwavering, smiling, statuesque,
looking most transcendent in your disposition.

isa pang subok! karirin nga!

tanda ko pa, nuong masbata pa ako, mga ilang daang taon nang nakalipas, ay madalas akong manangalog. sa yaya kasi ako lumaki. kung tutuusin, halos lahat ng mga kalaro ko sa bahay namin, lahat kaming magpipinsan, lahat tagalog ang gamit namin dahil lahat rin kami'y laki sa yaya. tanda ko rin, madalas akong pinagsasabihan ng aking mga magulang na masmagaling pa raw akong magtagalog kaysa mag-chinese. datapwa't di naman nilang pagalit na sinasabi ito, alam ko na gusto rin nila na dalangan ko ang pagtatagalog sa bahay. tsino raw ako at dapat nagsasalitang tsino. di lang nila alam na ang tunay na rason kung bakit di ako madalas mag-chinese ay dahil di na ako marunong magsalita nito. e papaano naman, sa bahay, tagalog na nga ang gamit ko, pati sa eskuwelahan, pag kausap ang mga kaklase, tagalog rin. maski man may "english policy" kami kung saan minumulta ang estudyante o pinarurusahan (parang call center kami, diba?!) sa oras na mahuhuling nagtatagalog, dahil labis na matitigas ang ulo namin, sige, tagalog pa rin! mas grabe pa paghapon kung saan nagaaral naman kami ng chinese. mandarin at fookien ang gamit ng mga guro sa pagnagtuturo pero siguro dahil sa kapurulan ng utak namin, pati mga sila, napipilitan na ring magtagalog para lamang kami makaintindi.

(hinga ng malalim.... GO!)

tagalog ang wika ng aking kinalakihan. hanggang pagtapak ng mataas na paaralan, tagalog pa rin. parusa na kung parusa dahil sa lecheng "english policy" na yan, maskampante pa rin ako magtagalog, maski na medyo marunong na rin akong mag-ingles (salamat sa pagpapanood ng cartoons at ng sesame street). siguro, dahil na rin sa sobrang hasa, pati sa pagsusulat ko, nasanay na rin ako sa tagalog. napansin ko na maskaya kong ihayag ang aking sarili sa pagsulat kapag gamit ko ay tagalog. sa mga theme paper namin dati, laging masmataas ang marka ko sa Filipino kaysa sa English. ang nakakatawa lang dito, masmagaling man akong magsulat at magsalita sa tagalog, walang kuwenta naman ako sa pagbabasa nito. parang kinder 2! sa kasawiang palad, masbihasa akong magbasa ng ingles. o well... sabi nga nila, you can't have it all.

kampante akong magtagalog. dahil na rin siguro dito ay medyo ilang akong makipagusap sa mga dayuhan, lalo na sa mga kano. inglesin mo ako dati at siguradong papawisan ako ng bigla at manganagtog ang tuhod. medyo matataranta ng konti and maguutol-utol sa aking pagpipilit makipagusap. ganito kadalasan ang nangyayari sa aking, maski na kung kamaganak pa man ang kaharap! ngunit nang umuwi ang aking pinakamatalik na pinsan galing canada (kung saan na sila nakatira), lubos kong pinilit ang sarili kong magingles. naisip ko na mas gugustuhn ko pang magtinig tanga kaysa di ako makapagsalamuha sa kanina. hirap talaga ako nuon. buti nalang, kababata ko si pinsan at ikinalulugod nya ang paghihirap ko. bilang ganti, natuto rin sya magtagalog (PUTA ang una nyang nasabi, ahahaha!) habang ako nama'y natuto maging kampante sa aking pagiingles.

tinanong ko si kuya isang beses kung paano ko ba puwedeng pabutihin ang aking pagsasalita ng ingles. galing kasi si kuya, miyembro kasi ng school paper at feature editor pa! naiisip-isip ko rin kasi na di naman pwede na habang buhay akong uutal utal kapag kinusap ng derechong ingles, diba. simple lang ang sagot ni kuya sa akin... magisip ka sa ingles. HUH? magisip ka sa ingles. wag raw akong magsalin sa utak ko, kundi derechohin ko na raw isipin ang mga pangungusap ko sa ingles. sa katagalan , masmagiging bihasa rin daw ako. sinunod ko ang payo ni kuya at tama nga ang sabi nya. nasanay rin akong magingles. tumulin ang aking pagsasalita at pati na rin ang aking pagsusulat. nakatulong rin siguro na nakapagsanay ako ng husto sa pakikipagusap kina pinsan, pati na rin sa aking mga kabarkadahan sa eskuwela nuon (editor in chief si BFF, reyna bookworm naman yun isa, si isa naman valedictorian... lahat, spokening dollar!)

sa pagtapak ko ng kolehiyo, ingles na ang bukang bibig ko. di ko na matandaan kung nakayanan ko pang magtagalog tulad na nuong masbata pa ako. dahil rin na ako'y nagaral sa FEU at siguro marami sa mga kaklase ko nuo'y di pa nakakakita ng tsino sa buhay nila (alamat ba kami?), sige naman sila na nakikiingles pag kausap ako, iniisip kasi siguro na di ako makaintindi. magugulat nalang sila pag bigla akong sasagot ng tuwid na tagalog. mabuti na rin siguro na gumaling akong magingles nuon. labis rin kasi itong nakatulong sa akin sa kolehiyo, lalo na nang tumapak ako ng PT proper at lahat ng reporting ay ingles. medyo madugo kasi ang labanan sa PT school at gagawin mo talaga ang lahat para lang mapaangat ang marka mo. minsan pa habang nagrereport ka, e may asungot na kaeskuwela na eepal at bibirahan ka ng mag walang kuwentang tanong tungkol sa report mo. syempre, extra pogi points ang sumagot ng derechong ingles (kasi si dra. sosyalera, nakikinig) na para kang sumali ng ms. universe! masepektibo pa, sa aking palagay, ang manindak ng mga epal na to kapag ingles ang gamit mo kasi di nila alam ang sekreto ko... ang magisip sa ingles :)

so ngayon... hirap na naman muli ako. tunuturuan ko muli ang sarili kong magsulat sa tagalog dahil tama nga man ang sinabi ni VG nuon. merong mga bagay na masmabuting sabihin sa tagalog. masmalaman sya kung babasahin. siguro rin kasi, kapag gamit ang sariling wika ay, masnakakahinga ng mabuti ang kaluluwa at masnasasabi nya na walang hadlang ang kanyang loobin.

(hinga.... ok. punasin na ang dugo mula sa ilong.)

how i look at a beautiful man

i was walking towards the escalator when i first caught sight of him. he was seated at a bench by the fountain looking at nothing in particular. he had his hand covering a good portion of his face, with only his eyes exposed. he looked impatient, restless actually basing on his eyes' severe expression. he sat slouched in his end of the bench, legs apart, one arm across his chest, his body language screaming to be left alone. though i was only able to catch a brief glimpse of him, the image in my head was clear, it was complete. i already knew the shape of his face, how he wore his styled hair, how tight his white round neck shirt clung to his muscular body, how well fitting his dark jeans were, how he can sit with lots of attitude. he was truly a very attractive man.

i did not however allow this image to linger long in my head as what do i do with such a vision? there was no use for me to retain it. he was simply a good thing to see, to notice, to appreciate, to savor in my head, and that was all i allowed him to be. i headed towards the bookstore at the top floor and proceeded to search for my book, my original purpose why i was there. a significant amount of time later and having made my purchase, i decided to call it a day and headed back towards where i parked. as i came down the escalator and walked past lazy looking stores, i came upon him again, this time, he was walking towards me. he looked exactly as how i remembered him. he had the same hair, same tight fitting shirt hugging his well built physique, same well fitting jeans. he wore the same severe look as well as the same strong attitude. he strode down the path and went towards the wash room as i walked past him, we, barely inches from coming into contact. he went in through the door as i continued on to another escalator, down to my car. his image in my head now also included a swagger, a peculiar gait, a cadence. i then tried again to ask my memory to let him go as i fumbled to look for my keys.

ranting

be forewarned. this is going to be very messy!

ok, this was supposed to be another exercise in using the vernacular in writing, since, so many of you found utter pleasure in seeing me squirm in coughing up words like "ngunit" and "datapuwat". trust me, though it was fun to write once again in tagalog (yes, i used to write in tagalog way back in high school. but that was sooooo long ago, my neurons has since then made new connections already. anyways...), i am afraid i will take a break from it for now since i am LIVID and just need to rant my brains out. since i think in english and the ladies in my head are screaming in english as well, i will type in english for now.

i. hate. narcissists.

i hate the ground they walk on, the way they carry themselves, and the idea of their sheer existence. what i hate even more is that they are drawn to me like parched beasts of burden to water. they run towards me with zago straws in hand, ready to jab it into my soul and suck me freaking DRY!

stupider me unfortunately, since my martyr conscience would not allow me to deny these people of their joy, i GLADLY bare my chest for them to feed on my still beating heart. i just hate it, HATE IT I TELL YOU!!!! there is seriously something wrong with me! ugh!

so anyway... lemme give you the scenario as to what got me all worked up and basically having me do the Vesuvius right now. so there's this guy that i met on one of these networking sites, back when i still availed of these sites' services, though i had already cancelled my memberships with all of them now. so anyway, i met up with him once because he was asking for my "professional" help as a designer and needed my opinions. being who i am and how i just LOVE giving free advice, i gladly went to his shop, which at that time was being constructed, and as promised, fed him my two cents on what else could be done.

that was almost a year ago. fast forward to, like, the present. we have only met that one time and from that one meeting, i already had the sense of the type of person he is. i'm not really putting him down (not then, that is) but i try my best to be wary of people, especially people of his peculiar characteristics since i really do not want to be considered "user friendly". unfortunately, i never really made it a point to completely distance myself from him, more so, make him know that i would rather suck an ogre's gangrened toe than continue to service his ego. yes people.. he was a narcissist. even worse, he was a gay, first born, bread winning narcissist. he could come in wearing a crown, holding on a scepter and dressed in a gown with a very long, fur lined train and it would suit him perfectly. of course, there is the prerequisite spotlight that would need to follow him around as well.

anyway, since i was never really clear on how much i detest being his ego fluffer, not that i volunteered for the position in the first place, he would still ever so graciously contact me whenever i am conviniently needed. feeling deflated? i know, i'll call jamie, he's bound to make me feel special again! and while i'm at it, i'll tell him all about the men i screwed around with and how much fun it was. every time i get pinged on my YM, i can assure you this would be the train of his conversation. i tried once if i could divert the topic to something else that doesn't involve him or concern him and he just dragged the focus back.

tonight, as he pinged me again, he asked me about karma. it was an interesting notion for me that he was asking about it since KARMA involves, (gasp) other people!! anyway... my hopes that maybe a crack had already started on his self worshipping addiction only lasted as far as its inception for he stayed true to his sequence. no sooner did he ask the question did he start talking about his latest sexcapade and how his act might case ill effects in other aspects of his life... hence, his worry about the karmic forces coming back to bite him in the ass.

now.... what REALLY is eating me, apart from the fact that i allowed myself to get duped into believing narcissists can actually change, was that of all the things he wanted to side with him, he had to want it be the COSMIC, GREATER THAN THOU, no you cannot influence it-forces of karma. he wanted to be appeased, from me who was already getting very agitated (and am obviously still) that karma will not grant him punishment for his most recent sex act, which for the purposes of keeping my blog smut free, will not even be considered worthy of publishing. i mean... how self centered can you really get? the principle of karma operates on a universal degree, encompassing the vastness of almost infinity. it bind us together as interconnected life forces so that we may all share this higher consciousness that our existence creates ripples that also affect other people. it teaches us that we are not just responsible for our own welfare but also that of our neighbors. this is the divine principle of karma. it is not just a reason for justice, for self vindication. it is a truth that we should be aware of greater things that are beyond "us".

but then.... i was talking to a narcissist. all he wanted from me was for me to say that he will be fine, that karma will not bring him bad luck for his acts. that at the end of the day, he can sleep well and screw again! i didn't however. instead, i told him he was just looking for an excuse to make himself feel better since he obviously felt guilty for something and wanted to expunge the feeling. sorry dear.... i can not offer you any more pacifying. this sucker will not be made a sucker anymore! besides.... from your stories (which i never wanted to hear anyways), you seem to be very adept in being that yourself.

oh, my... i swear! i never felt so irritated in my life!

jodinand at ang pagdudugo ng aking ilong

una kong narinig ang pangalan nya habang kasama ko ang aking mga bagong blogging prends habang umiinom nang maiinit na kape sa istarbuko sa CCP. sa tutuusin, ako lang ata ang umiinom ng mainit na kape nuon, napaso pa nga 'ta ako habang dahan-dahang sinisipsip ang umuusok kong venti cafe americano (mahilig kasi ako sa mga matatapang na kape, kasi di ako tinatablan, di tulad ng iba na nagmimistulang mga nakahithit ng chongki, kahit decaf frap lang naman yung ininom.. arte). habang kami'y naguusap, biglang nabanggit ng isa sa amin ang mga video ng isang pilipinong nakatira sa canada. jodinand ang pangalan nya. nung una'y di ko sobrang naintindihan ang aking narinig. mahirap namang kasing kilalanin ang mga kakaibang mga pangalang, lalo na yung mga bibihiran mo lamang marinig, tulad ng, um, er.... JODINAND. bagong rapper ba sya? hindi pala, youtube-er pala sya. medyo makulit raw, nakakatawa, nakakatuwa, at sa katagalan ay, nakakabighani rin... nakatulong rin raw kasi na may hitsura siya.... maski na medyo katangitangi ang pangalan nya (peace tayo, bro. hehehehe)

medyo matagal pa naming siya pingausapan at ang mga video na ginawa nya. la kalagitnaa'y naitalakay namin kung may posibilidad ba na siya'y isa ring "diwata" tulad namin . nagbigay ang mga kasama ko ng kani-kanilang mga kuro-kuro tungkol dito, ngunit dahil mahirap maghinala, lalo na sa mga personalidad sa cyberspace na walang sapat na pruweba (baka ma lolit solis pa kami ng di oras), iniwan na lamang namin ang tanong na nakabitin sa ere at tumuloy sa ibang kuwento... tulad ng sinong gaganap ng mga bagong Dodong sa Zsazsa Zaturnnah.

dahil sa labis akong mapagsaliksik o dahil wala lang akong magawa at mahilig lang akong magusyoso, minabuti ko na sa aking paguwi ay hanapin nga 'tong jodinand na ito at alamin sa aking sarili kung ano ba tungkol sa kanya ang kinagagalak ng mga kasamahan ko.

di na ako magpapaliwanag (dahil nauubusan na ako ng tagalog at nahihirapan na rin akong magsulat na parang tumitirik na kotse), panuurin nyo la lang ito at kayo na ang humusga.



ako'y labis na natuwa sa pagpapanuod nito. masnatuwa pa ako lalo, dahil habang nanunuod ako'y napadaan sa aking likod si inang irog :) tamang tama ay naghubad si jodinand at nagbihis babae. natuliro si inay at naghinala siguro na ako'y nagaaral kung paano maging ganap na binabae... at binatukan ako bigla! di ko alam kung paano ako kikilos.... kung magagalit ba ako dahil medyo malakas ang pagbatok sa akin o tatawa nalang.... sa kahulihan ay tumawa na lamang ako. nakakatawa rin naman kasi ang ginawa ni inay. nakakatawa rin ang hitsura nya at mukhang takot na takot, inisip siguro na wala na talagang pag-asa anak nyang magbago.

haaaayyyy, paano na yung parlor na gusto ko? ang ganda pa naman ng pink na napili kong kulay para sa mga dingding. ahahahahaha! joke.

kulay lila kasi gusto ko. nyahahahaha!


* * * * *

@VG. i rose, i tried to sustain... i faltered, then i crashed ablaze. i have never felt so fatigued in writing in my life! fun... but i don't think i would like to do it again anytime soon :)

musings on a saturday

wanted to try out writing in tagalog and see if what victor gregor said was right about people who live in tondo. i tried, and tried, and tried some more, unfortunately, after almost an hour of trying to write in our (technically) mother tongue, i was only able to produce TWO, yes, TWO measly sentences that basically said that i was "thinking what it was like writing in tagalog." why bother... i'll leave that task when i am more up to the challenge. i sincerely have no plans of having my brain hemorrhage this early in the week... that's what work is for. har har har!

anyhow. i had a blast yesterday as i spent almost the entire day with blogger friends doing what i do love doing best... eating :) lunch, coffee, a movie, dinner and more coffee later and i found myself almost in a gustatory high from all that fun (and food) that i was having. though i believe a lot of people would not consider my day's itinerary to be that packed with rigorous activity, sharing food and spending very laid back moments with great company is my version of nirvana on earth. if it was not for the impending scolding i was going to have from my family for being out so late on a Saturday night (i had church the next day), i would not have mind if we stayed on talking way until the wee hours of the morning, or one of use decides to call it a night/day, whatever...

so imagine my deflation when i came home (and did not get the scolding i was preparing myself for) and found in my twitter that one of the blogs i frequent was closing, or to be more precise... had closed already. this would be the second blog that i read that have closed down and though their absence really does not affect my life in any particularly significant way, i still cannot help but feel sad that i will no longer get to hear their thoughts or read snippets of their lives, parts of themselves that they have so generously shared with me from the day i became a reader of their histories. since i have never really met any of these bloggers in person, the end of their blogs almost feel like the end of their existence. i know more cerebral people out there are going to laugh at my overly emotional analogy of things but that's really my honest sentiment on the issue. when a writer dies, his readers not just mourn for the loss of his person but also regrets that they will never experience the fresh creations of that writer again. its the same for blogs for me, just the other way around.

as i read through a fellow wanderer's last entry, i wondered to myself, will i ever see the day when i too would bid my blog adieu? will i see a day when i will also eventually put down the cyberpen and cease chronicling my history?