09.09.09

i stand upon the precipice again, the spot i was last when i spoke to you. it seemed that despite how you are pneuma, the air, i still manage to ignore your undeniable presence. but i decide to do that no more. i decide to welcome you again.

30 years you have led me. 30 years you have remained faithful. you have never wavered, never faltered, never lost hope even if the greatest of men would have done so, so long ago. your love constrains me and i cannot help it but be humbled to be the recipient of such devotion. i am not worthy, but you decided otherwise. i am thankful. it is indeed true what they say, that we love you because you first loved us.

it had been a long and arduous walk since that day by the cliff edge, and i have felt so lonely. i was lonely only because i did not want you to be there to see me fail. i was a wretch undone. but you did not mind. you did not care. your all abounding love, incomprehensible by my finite capacity, was a safety net i could not escape from. even if i were to fall, even if i were to fail, you would not forsake me because you loved me so. it tears me apart that i cannot love you back the same way, but again, you do not mind. your love is all conquering, it is transcendent. it is all sufficient, never lacking, never wanting.

why was it that of the billions in the world, that you would have chosen to be stubborn with me. i, who chose against you many times, who had fallen from grace, who had walked away from your light, who had turned his back from your call, who had quenched the spirit, who had grieved you so? you remained still by my side, your person faint but still palpable. you kept your distance from me, never imposing but always ready to approach the moment i would call.

this is my strange relationship with you. an external, outward connection. superficial in many degrees and grossly, with much shame for me to admit, inadequate for i know, i feel, you desire for more. for that, allow me to ask you, humbly request you, to come. do come. i hunger. i thirst. i long again for your supply. and in your tending to me, allow me to be useful to you. it is about time i be of good purpose. 30 years i have wandered. it is about time that i finally sojourned. alas, my Lord is the good land.

i pray, you may find me pleasing in your eyes. i pray, i may bring you joy.