was chatting with a friend last night, touching base and trying to keep ties, something that i am rather guilty of not doing well. while in the middle of our conversation, he inquires about how i am doing currently. though i often answer such questions with an almost reflex "i'm ok... i guess", i found myself last night going into more detail. though my standard answer, i believe, does hold true to my situation as i really was ok, it however felt short of what i really felt inside.
funny. i know i talk a lot and like to share my opinion about almost everything under the sun, but when issues are turned towards me and i find myself digging deep into myself for answers, then words suddenly become scarce. i guess this is what people call "walling up". i however, would like to think that i do this gracefully and mask my discomfort by becoming more cerebral in my mood and apathetic in my tone. logic and sense, i guess, had always been an effective security blanket, even though i am sure if faced with a Vulcan, i would definitely look like an utter fool.
last night however, i found myself digging deep. rather, what had been resting deep surfaced with ease. though i never really shared so much of myself to this friend of mine before, he suddenly became the recipient of my inner overflow.
"so how are you?" he asked, that was all i needed to hear (read... since we were on YM).
i suddenly had a semi-vision. i saw myself to be like Abraham, when God brought him up to the mountains to show him his inheritance, pointing to the endless land, the stars and the sand... i felt like i too was on top of a mountain, but instead of feeling a great sense of thankfulness, i could only feel a springing sense of daunt. i said, i am now at a point in my life when i can actually look into the future and decide. it used to be rather unrealistic back when i was younger since i think i still didn't know what i want and dreading about the future was just a waste. but now, now that i am older, the future is here. i am catching up already to what fate has destined for me.
the path is clearer. the choices i have to make are beginning to be realized, and though i know i can handle a lot more now, a good part of me feels unwilling all of a sudden. ironically, despite the future now being more certain and concomitantly, less stressful, i am now finding myself struggling to be freed from it. a part of me thinks that i had given up so much to prepare for today and for what tomorrow brings that i have not enjoyed my life because of it. now that i am just beginning to reap the "fruits of my labor", here comes the the real test and now i don't want it. i don't want to be enslaved by it anymore.
"sacrifice" is a word i see and hear in my family very often. if ever there is one trait i inherited, it is this, to be long-bearing. but to be able to perform such feats of endurance requires as well mental fortitude and a strong will, both of which i think i have either depleted or have exhausted needlessly a long time ago.