Monday, November 17, 2008

the awakening

i decided to wait awhile before addressing you. i knew from experience that if i jumped in too fast, too soon, that i would loose all focus and ultimately, loose control over the situation. i did not want that, never again. i know that you are cunning and calculated, that you are manipulative and very opportunistic. your approach is never bold nor direct, but instead, subtle and very discreet. your methods are as despicable as ever and i hate you with every fiber of my being for being that way since you always seem to come out of nowhere.

i take great offense in how you just suddenly barged in to my parade and pretty much ruined a happy streak. how inconsiderate you are. how rude. here you are, an unwelcome visitor, demanding that i acknowledge your presence. despite my efforts to show you my utter disinterest and displeasure, you still persisted. you are truly arrogant and it sickens me that i have once had you lord over me. you were a cruel, unforgiving monster.

you preyed on my weaknesses and thrived on my insecurities. you said that i was not good enough, nor will i ever be. you scoffed at my ideals and dismissed them to be unrealistic. you shot down my dreams and declared them to be worthless. as wicked as you are, you too were a great actor for you fooled a many. you charmed your way under people's suspicion by your wit and your feign state of enlightenment. they thought that you were wise beyond your years but you only were telling them things they wanted to hear... playing the tune that was pleasant. if only they knew this was how you trap them. if only they knew what kind of seed you are sowing into their virgin fields. if only they knew the kind of corruption you introduced. if only they knew...

but i knew. my eyes were eventually opened. God made me see, He made me see you for what you really are, a deceiver, a liar, a snake, a parasite. i was weak because you made me weak. i was impotent and sick and lonely and miserable because you made me believe that i can never be of any value except to be your slave. But God made me see, and when i finally saw.... i became free.

i rejected you and everything that you had me believe. i purged myself of your lies and your influence. it was not easy to rid myself of you for you were wise enough to ingrain your poison deep into my being. as much as i hated wasting more time on dealing with you, i had to give myself time to heal, time to rebuild myself again.

it was a good many years and lots of hard work paid off. i am happier, more content, more at peace. though the times with you were indeed the darkest of my days, they now stand as a distant memory, a reminder of where i have been and where i should never ever again go. knowing you was something i regret and a lesson i will keep close to my heart.

i will not allow myself to fall again. not to you. never again to you. you may be back. you may be stronger than before, meaner than before, more cocky than before, but i assure you this, so am i.


gentle said...

this post affected me, kindling some emotions i thought i've long since buried. whatever it is that you've gone through, jamie, what i've gone through, i say that we're still here. and that's what matters. keep up the fight.

wanderingcommuter said...

this is so timely and i am thinking we have the same situation. nonetheless, thanks for posting this post. it made me feel better....

goodluck to us!

Anonymous said...


i somehow thought that one person is saying the very same thing to me. these very words. these exact feeling of... (can't describe it).

what a tough battle between man and human's emotion.

Trip said...

i hope u would sweat them all out this coming weekend. run to the finish line, jamie. ;)

jamie da vinci! said...

@ gentle. we are, and that is what really matters.

@ewik. your welcome. it comforts me that i was not alone in the battle. not to worry, we will not be defeated so easily. NEVER again. i'd rather die... or think crocs are fashionable! whichever comes first! :)

@dylan. sometimes, wars are fought within. unfortunately, you only have yourself as the casualty. nonetheless, i have no intentions of loosing this time.

@trip. if only it would be save to run singing "i will survive!" but then if i do, might as well run wearing a rainbow singlet and a pink feather boa, noh? :) nevertheless trip, i will take ur advice like it was the word of God. :)