Monday, September 15, 2008

to gay or not to gay

was chatting with a friend this afternoon about the idiosyncrasies of life, something that i am finding i talk about more and more with people lately, when the topic came up about him being tired of being gay.

now isnt that a funny thought i said to myself. though i'd rather not talk about the things he said, i did however feel that there were a lot of things we had in common when it came to the frustrations of being "one of us".

to be honest, if i really had things my way, i would have wished that i wasn't gay. maybe because i believe that by being so, my life wud at least be less complicated. one less thing to worry about is what it would have given me. though i may have made myself come to terms already of what my identity would entail, i have yet to face these concerns to know if i have really have prepared myself for them or not. for now, i have experienced some and my being a novice has left me petrified whenever something "gay" wud come my way. i think if i were straight, things would have been different.

there is also the issue of my faith. again, if i were not gay, it would certainly not be an issue. but since i am, well, it definitely made things complicated. though i have no doubts that there is anything strange about being a gay christian, my view on it matter is not the most popular. obviously, coming out to my congregation will be an event for story books and legends only and talking about it to my spiritual advisers and peers is also out of the question. despite supposedly being in a loving environment, fear is still a very real part of society. fear of being rejected, fear of being treated differently. so with regards to being enlightened about being godly and queer, i guess i'd just have to settle for the little that i know and the small faith that i have that my God is a God of love and righteousness and mercy.

and then there are relationships. relationships to begin with are tricky, and i believe they are even more so when ur gay. blame it probably to not having role models to look up to, but somehow, i keep getting horror stories of how gay relationships always end up in.... heartbreak, to say the least. what is up with gay people and their seemingly difficult time of keeping a solid, stable relationship? i am sure there are social pressures at play here, and if that is the case, then how can it be helped? how can it be remedied? is there any hope for gays to actually make it right in terms of love? or is this whole gay love thing just a fictitious, delusional effort we try to convince ourselves of feeling, just so we can prove to ourselves and other that indeed, we too are normal?

if i were straight... such thoughts would be simpler to understand. but since i am not, they too are not.

nothing in my life or my upbringing would have prepared me for life as a gay man. all my years of upbringing was focused on how to live my life as a straight boy... and now, i somehow cannot help but feel slightly cheated. the skills, the tools i have, though some may still be applied, a lot however, cannot. all i can do now is learn. learn as fast as i can. not just for me to survive being who i am, but more importantly, to know who i am, really.

i guess thats what people like us are all doing. it would definitely explain a lot why we are the way we are.

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