eclat

been having this nagging feeling these past few days following my birthday. maybe it was caused by being sick or just that fact that i was affected by not having an eventful birthday, but still, the feeling hasn't left me yet and i am starting to get a teeny weeny bit worried.

i still havent been able to define what it is that i am feeling, only that it's one of those "what am i suppose to do now?" feelings. something to do with personal purpose and why i still haven't figured things out, or rather, why i am still looking? been working for a few years now and i would have thought that i am following my passion. following what i love to do has led me to change careers, work here, drop my job and travel abroad, live abroad, quit my job abroad, come back home and start from scratch again. yet despite all of this, how come i still dont feel as fulfilled or even a little bit satisfied. worse thing is, i am actually getting bored and considering changing careers again.

last time i changed careers, i told myself that i shud think this thru and know that after this, there is no more turning back. i told myself that the moment i shift, it would be the last time i would do so since i cannot afford to waste anymore time. and yet, here i am.... considering again. not good at all.

i sometimes look at friends and collegues who show so much passion in the things that they do. seems like they have so much focus and have figured things out to the letter. even if there are things they still havent thought of, it doesnt seem to matter coz to them, things will eventually fall into place. their lives can get hectic and chaotic and stressful but at the end of the day, they can still say they love what they do. i used to think that i was like them... i really did. i got beaten down, pushed, shoved, tormemnted, pressured, pressed, proded and everything else in between yet i was still able to rise up and say, at the end of the day, i still loved what i was doing. i could still after a horrible week pick up a pencil and draw out a spectacular carpet design and present it to my client and say "see! beautiful isn't it?", not even hinting to them a bit of the torture i just had gone through... all because i love what i was doing.

but i am starting to fear that is no longer the case now. everytime i pick up a pencil and put it to paper, i have a slight feeling of disgust, like why am i doing this? what else is there to do or to realize?

i really dont know what it is that changed. did i burn out already? or am i just going thru another phase into this weird existence of mine?