toilet humor, not

had an early start to my day today since i accompanied my kuya to attend his first pilates lesson this morning at the studio. whilst on our way to makati, we were listening to "goodtimes" on 89.9 when mo twister threw in a question that, quite frankly, got me a bit agitated. he was asking if gay men should have their own public toilet, a form of courtesy i guess for straight men who feel uncomfortable peeing besides us, lest we defile them in their most awkward of moments.

i have heard of many a story about the things that happen inside public toilets nowadays and can understand the uneasiness that ppl may feel. i too sometimes feel the same anxiety whenever i go into one, not that i am really a specimen of beauty to be ever considered for such "eccentric" acts of lust, nor that i will ever let things happen if i do get propositioned. so yeah, maybe straight men do have credence to feel what they feel against gay men, but to generalize that all gay men will hit on them and want to have a slice of their man-pie is just pushing it a tad bit too much. and to "solve" the problem, we get our own restroom??? dude.... that's just like opening a ginormous can of worms! it's creating a bigger problem than a solution.


experience and being bullied in school has taught me that when using the toilet, try ur best to use the cubicle. if the urinal is ur only option, keep urself to the farthest end and either look straight ahead onto the wall or look down and mind ur own business. NEVER make eye contact for whatever reason.... ever. lest you want to find yourself getting an atomic wedgie or worse, a black eye. now that i am older (and hopefully wiser) i am learning to dispel this fear that i have of staring, rather, of staring back. though i still exercise extreme measures of modesty especially in the rest room, i do now stand my ground if ever i do catch people giving me snake eyes. i stare back at them and give them a smile... a very nonchalant gesture i have found to be quite effective to have them to look away.

giving gay men their own toilets may sound like an great plan (only a straight neanderthal could come up with something so ingenious!) but i sincerely think doing such will just create a greater schism in our already polarized society. i have this notion that people, despite their bests of intentions, always opt to take the easy way out. u feel uncomfortable peeing, give the gays their own potties! everyone will be happy, right? but if that would have been the case, then what will they do then if for some reason, ppl find it uncomfortable to pee beside, lets say a white man. maybe because they feel insecure and shy to pee beside him coz his schlong is much larger than theirs and they can't seem to concentrate in doing their business? what then? or, what if ppl start to find it disturbing when fat people use the restroom, cause they make us feel uneasy and we feel like they are taking too much of our space? these hypothetical situations may seem laughable but really, to me, they sound as baseless as the idea of having gay toilets.

its discriminatory, plain and simple and there can be no ifs or buts around it. dont get me wrong, in no way do i condone lude behavior, but really, why do we all have to pay for the actions of some? if you being a straight male feel that you are being disrespected, then speak out. dont hide behind a stupid solution to make ur problems go away. hell, have balls and be a man! i believe in the end, education is the best solution. ppl behave the way they behave because they rather dwell on misconceptions rather than on fact. though you can never completely eliminate deviant behavior, i believe you can however increase ppl's awareness, more so, their sense of courtesy if you educate them. if they really have an itch to scratch, then have them find it somewhere else where it's more acceptable. hopefully, by educating people to respect others and also, respect themselves, they would know better and conduct themselves better with other people.

during the show, i took pride on how mojo jojo defended the point of how utterly wrong this idea was. despite mo twister being the more opinionated one, he was definitely put in his place today.

gay toilets.... sheesh!

this, the weekend report!

this weekend was some kind of a SOMETHING, if i ever could find a way to accurately describe it. its now late into the sunday night and i really still cannot get over the fact of how much fun i had these past two days.

first... i made new friends. was at my site till late at night since i decided to stay and keep richie company while his people had some rectification work done at the studio. also there were jay and claire, richie's long time friends. jay is a professional chef while his wife, claire, is an artist. they were there since claire's works will now find residence in the studio, sharing the stage with other art pieces my client purchased like the van tuico's and the giant acuna. i have met them once before and sincerely had a great time talking with them. the feeling was apparently mutual since not soon after they met me, they were already trying to set me up on a date, but that's another story... anyway! seeing them again, now with a new painting in tow, was definitely a pleasure.

i love meeting new people really since you never know what you will learn from them. with claire and jay, i got to learn so much about FOOD (love, LOVE food) and art (LOVE, LOVE art!!!) i also got to share some of my ideas on the subjects and to have two equally passionate people concur on my thoughts, well, it was very humbling :)

second... i tried new food in a new restaurant. richie and his wife karts were invited by their chef/ friend to sample the food at his newly opened resto in GB3 and managed to drag me along with them. the place offers italian american cuisine and prides itself of flying and shipping in the best ingredients the world can offer in order to set itself a notch above its competitors. they do this with such dedication that they even import their CHEESECAKES straight from the kitchen of the gramercy park hotel in NEW YORK!!!! talk about a real new york chessecake! that night, we had the chef do the ordering for us, something i should remember next time to do since no one knows the food better than the chef, right? we had LOADS of antipasti ranging from simple bruschettas to these artichoke hearts oozing with cheese! for the entree, we were treated to a burst of flavors from their thin crust pizzas, to their mushroom pasta to this slab of pork belly, slow roasted in BEER for 46 hours until the meat is practically falling off the bone! dessert was equally decadent with the infamous NY cheesecake and the best dulce de leche i have ever tasted in my life! at the close of this fantastic dinner, the chef told us of one dish they serve that i swear, made my heart skip a beat.... how does 25 grams of grilled US angus beef topped with ox bone marrow and foie gras sound? served with foie gras and roated garlic rice..... ??!!! the chef jested that the order comes with a complementary crash cart and a free pass to makati med :)

third... i went to a new store. GB5 now has a brand new ZARA open so no more need for you to cross all the way to glorietta to get your ZARA fix. i just LOVE ZARA. i love it o so much. true their merchandise is a bit on the pricey side but that has never stopped me from loving it still. everytime i enter, even if i know i only have the budget for tutuban, the place never fails to make me smile. its always a fantasy to enter and try on their clothes. i always go for the more unpractical pieces like the wool jackets and the blazers since i know there is no way i'll survive wearing them in this country anyways, thereby making the pain of not getting them less tormenting. today, i lusted over this utterly beautiful coat that just had the nicest details. one of the sales reps probably noticed that i was short of drooling over it that he coaxed me to buy it, in a joking way of course. wise ass me, not being able to hold back my frustration answered him back, if he could make it snow in manila, then i will buy 10 right now! "si sir naman.... " was all he could say.

FYI... for all those who care to know... SSI is opening MASSIMO DUTTI here very soon... :)


fourth... i watched a great movie. finally, after two fiascoes, the bad movie curse has finally been LIFTED with the absolutely fantastic experience i had while watching Eagle Eye! staring current hollywood golden boy, shia lebeouf, the movie tackles the modern paranoia of how we all can be surveyed as well as controlled through our dependence now on technology.

now, i really do not want to build up ur expectations but this movie really did it for me! from beginning till the very end, i was literally at the edge of my seat. there were even moments where i found myself biting my nails in anticipation of what was gonna happen next. i wont be an ass and ruin the movie for you people so just go and watch it for urselves and tell me if i was wrong. my kudos to the writers, kudos to the producers, and kudos to the actors.... this movie was truly the icing to what has been a fabulous weekend cake!

gym pickups

before anything else, lemme just say that i simply love sarah brightman. not only is she HOT, but she can really sing! i have been a fan of hers for a few years now and to be honest, she has never ceased to amaze me. every new album she comes out with, she delivers something new and exciting. she's like the madonna of the classical genre! always reinventing herself.

i also like it whenever she gets to do a duet with another artist. so far, i have always loved her tandems with andrea bocelli with "time to say goodbye" as an all time fave. with her latest album though, besides bocelli, she also had a duet with alessandro safina.... OMG! alessandro safina, i had a super duper crush on the guy before. silverback tenor who kinda looks like fernando zobel de ayala. sings like an angel with piercing looks that can make u squirm at you seat!! i recall searching high and low for a CD before when i first got wind of him. sadly tho, he was still not popular enough for local music distrubutors to carry his album. anyway... besides safina, she also has this duet with this budding countertenor named fernando lima. when i first heard this song, i swear, i had to get up and listen more attentively... the guys voice is magical!!! him being a countertenor would mean he sings pieces written for sopranos, so he kinda sounds like someone kicked him in the nuts or that he never quite hit the mark during puberty. either way, he sounded divine! so much so that, well... hehehe, maiinlove rin kayo! :) here's the video just to let u guys know what i mean. hehehe, he also kinda reminds me of hugo weaving.



on a totally different note, i need to air out something.

while changing after my workout, i got into an interesting conversation with a nursing student at the locker room. for the mere fact that he looked unfamiliar, i knew he was new to my gym. he was quite conversant and was asking for tips and routines of what he could do just to liven up his routine. unlike me, he was trying to bulk up whilst i was just trying to maintain my built and if still possible, loose some more body fat. being the ever accomodating me, i tried my best to give him as many suggestions as i can, of which basing from his reactions, he was very receptive. in the end, he asked for my number and suggested that maybe we could work out together one of these day, an idea that i really didnt think was so unusual. i go to a small gym and all of us there have grown close and familiar so gestures like this is never taken as anyhing other that what it is.... or so i thought.

late that evening, i received a message from said guy regarding what a great work out he had and asked what was i doing. i said i was home chilling and doing research online. he proceeded to ask me more questions about myself, up to the point of whether i was married already or not. NOW.... whoa boy, whoa!!!! it was at his moment that my radar kinda went on orange alert. realizing i guess of the sensitivity of the issue, he quickly apologized and changed the topic to something more benign, like, what do i do during my free time. too late tho, for now i'm on to him. will be keeping particular attention when i bump into him next time i go to gym. haaaay, was thinking to myself, if this was fitness first, i wouldnt be so surprised... but this is MY gym. its sacred ground!!!! :) well, for me at least.

OMG!

was reading my yahoo mail this morning when i saw this pic....

in dumbledore's GAYEST voice.... before severus snape fried his queer ass that is...

"harry... eesssdatchu!!!???" :)

mental teaser

what started out as a routine greeting over chat turned to an all-out "war" as my friend mark and i volleyed riddles and mind teasers last night, just for fun.

been rather busy these past few days with regular engagements with clients and working on projects. coupled with zipping in and out of meetings and driving the distances of downtown manila, then to libis, then to the fort, then to makati CBD, then back again to manila (imagine the mileage i have been racking up!!! pwede ko nang i-HONG KONG to! if only i flew a plane, syet.), you really cannot blame me for feeling harrassed and drained at the end of my day. i actually surprise myself sometimes for still being coherent enough, more so, have energy still, to consider working by the time i get home. such is the life of a freelancer.... sigh. anyways, since i PURPOSELY did not schedule anything for today, i decided to use last night to unwind and catch up with the latest in the lives of my online buddies, mark being one of them :)

anyway... one thing led to another and our conversation ended up with him trying to cheer me up with his visual riddles. using the doodle IM environment, he coaxed me to a guessing game and tried his best to render me images supposed to bring me to a state of nonplus. unfortunately for him.... i LIVE for riddles... :) and not soon after he started did he realize he was WAY over his head with who to pick on to confound. poor, poor mark.... by night's end.... he was hemorrhaging already.

with that said, allow me to leave one of the riddles i used on him, one i got from my client while we were camping out in the middle of nowhere...

there sits a square room bearing four equally sized walls and one window, all the walls of which are facing the same direction. if you chanced upon a bear while gazing out the window of this room, walking from the left side of the horizon to the right, what would be the color of the bear and why?

here's my "jeopardy music" to keep u company while u ponder on my question. hemorrhage away!!!

pilates

before anything else, allow me to exercise a bit of chutzpa and unabashedly do a plug in!!!

Allez-hop!, which is french for "get moving" is now open!!!! located in the heart of legaspi village sits the first ever boutique wellness center, specifically designed to get people to do just that.. MOVE!! the brain child of ms. francesca ballmer and mr. ervin paunan, Allez-hop! offers a wide range of alternative programs to taut, tone and train even the most stubborn of bodies!

Allez-hop! 's diverse array of services include pilates, for both mat classes and machines. cardio and weight traning, as well as core training programs are also available. for those of the more "violent" kind, try taking up muaythai and get that Contender Asia physique u've been lusting for (or survivor philippines.. whichever).

for them youngens and chikitings, while mom and dad are getting themselves ripped, Allez-hop! also is the exclusive holder for the franchise of "stretch-n- grow", the biggest health and exercise program for kids in the world! .... perfect for those telly-blubby kids. Allez-hop! also has its own ambulatory rehab facility for rehab strengthening as well as pain management, all handled by its team of licensed physiotherapists.

also, Allez hop! is in proud possession of the most advanced body analyzer in the country. not only will it measure body fat (blah.. so what? right?) BUT it also measures bone mineral content, water, and muscle PER BODY PART. information that would make your exercise program more focused and area specific. no more bothersome calipers and miscalculations.... with this machine, in 3 mins, u would have a CLEAR idea of your problem areas and how to solve them!

for inquiries and appointements, visit their website at www.allez-hop.net or click on this LINK.

now that that's over and done with.. on with the blog.


ervin, who is a good friend of mine originally "drafted" me to be their interior designer since i was their choice due to my physical therapy background. i have had experience in designing healthcare spaces before but this studio presented challeges i was not expecting, primarily since the place was quite small and the area rather irregular. thankfully, with a bit of imagination and a lot of inspiration, we were able to come up with a design that works and solves every design and functional problem the space offered. now, months after that eventful first design meeting... Allez hop! is finally set to sail, but not after getting me super hooked with pilates.

been working out at Allez hop! for quite some time now and i am thankful that the trainiers have been very nice to me. despite being a gym rat all these years and having gained strength significantly, i can't really say my core is as strong. for sure i have sucky posture as it has always been a problem. so to chance upon pilates and knowing ppl who teach it and now actually have a place that offers it was simply a god sent!!!

i have done mat classes before at home from watching a DVD from the home shopping network (no one laugh... im sure u guys have done it too before!). at first the positions felt rather daunting since i consider myself to have the flexibility of a steel pole, but after a few runs, i started to notice a difference in my stance. as promised by the girl on the disc, u do end up feeling taller, longer and leaner. however, doing an exercise with the TV eventually gets boring and not long after that, the disc and pilates found its way in the pile of scraped hobbies. i then went back to my same boring gym work out and found that despite all the exercises i do, i never really got that extra something that i did with pilates. now because of Allez-hop! i can now have pilates any time i want, and not only that, have qualified trainiers to do one-on-one instruction that no DVD can ever do! GOD, i am starting to sound like an infomercial na!!!!

but in all honestly, i was really REALLY made a fan. i have subjected myself to the mercy of their pilates machines and i swear, to think that u only deal with minimal resistance, i have felt parts of my body that i have NEVER felt before!!! and the exercises are not easy ha, not at all. there were moments wherein i would find myself flapping around like a fish out of water but the trainiers are patient enuf and skilled enuf to push u to your tolerance. after a few tries, u eventaully get the hang of it and the movements become fun. that's what it is... FUN!!!!

i now integrate pilates to my gym workout. made my time pumping iron now feel more dynamic and less rountinary for sure.

the highs and lows of a sunday in september (part 2)

owing probably to the fact that i was having such a high, i decided to "consider" if it was the right time to make another luxury purchase. my first ever was when i got myself that louis erard watch while i was in dubai. cant really recall how much it cost but it was a beau. i dont wear it so often since i dont want to wear the leather out but on the occassions that i do, man, do i feel like a million bucks! (even if i didn't spend a million for it).

i have been considering getting a new watch recently. i don't really NEED one since i basically have a watch to fit every occassion. only that, i thought it would be a nice thing to treat myself with something. i have had my eye on a few but they have just been WAY out of my league. the first one is the PANERAI Luminor Power Reserve, either that or the automatic version. just beautiful... simply stunning. the price is less than a rolex but still more expensive than what i can shell out without shedding a tear. the second one is the Louis Vuitton Tambour Chronograph. i have always been in love with a thick case and so far, i have yet to find one that would beat he thickness of the tambour. the third one(s) is a BULGARI Diagono Calibro 303, or the Ergon. both spectacular watches in their respective rights, the former more formal and the latter, more sporty. the price is almost that of the Panerai but because Bulgari is on sale now, the pain can me managed.. if i decided to get them, that is.

PANERAI Luminor Power Reserve

Louis Vuitton Tambour Chronograph

BULGARI Diagono Calibro 303

Bulgari Ergon

the dream continues for me. for now, i doubt i can afford the lifestyle of having such pieces, but a guy can still dream can't he?

after drooling over those lovely, lovely pieces, having finally walked of what we ate for lunch, kuya and i decided to cap off our day with a good movie. since nothing new has come up yet since we had that fiasco of an experience called BABYLON A.D., kuya thought of trying Bangkok Dangerous starring Nicolas Cage and well, a thai cast. now, i had some reservations with nic cage movies, action movies especially since i have found his acting rather cheesy. O.A. (over acting) to a great degree and well, just plain irritating. imagine tom cruise only uglier, with a receding hair line and legs long enuf to compete with nadja auermann's. kuya however said that he recalls hearing good reviews about it and to drive in the NAIL, the poster says, "no. 1 in america!" can't go wrong there for sure, right? no point doubting the POSTER!!!??? right?

the movie was set at 830 and it was barely 7 so we still had time to spare. we, being the hopeless gourmands that we are, decided to have dinner to kill time. we settled for nanbantei and have japanese barbecue. this meal was good too and did not tax our bodies so much. we ordered just enuf to feel satisfied and ate just to the point wherein we were not hungry (yes... we actually felt hungry after eating that feast of a lunch). we got to the theater early and waited for the place to fill up.

a little dread, a little apprehension since that nagging feeling like this is gona be another movie fiasco was still there. as the movie started and i heard nic cage's voice over on his life of being an assassin.... i knew we made a bad choice.... a VERY bad choice.

the movie was indeed bad. one of the worse i have ever seen.. the worst was BABYLON A.D. but this one was not that far behind. over acting, BAD acting, crappy plot, nic cage, weak characters, gore, cheesy lines, and stupid cinematography made this movie experience simply torturous. it was soooooo painful to watch that i found myself covering my face just to stop them from beaming anymore crap into my eyes and sear it into my brain. i also found moments wherein the acting was soooo stupid, u cant help but mock them. people probably found it strange as i started to laugh during one of the climactic shoot out scenes. i tell you, that scene was the STUPIDEST I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!

the only thing that kept me on my seat was the scrooge in me that didnt want to waste for the paid seats, as well as that little glimmer of hope inside that maybe, MAYBE, there is still redemption for this movie. sadly, there was none. i had tried to convince myself to focus on thai eye candy shahkrit yamnarm but his charm too wore off quite quickly... overpowered by the extreme glare caused by nicolas cage's airfield of a forehead.

i got so agitated with watching bangkok dangerous. so much so, that even as i got back at home and was watching some benign TV show, i was still quite irate. stupid movie, stupid nicolas cage, i can't believe ppl PAY to watch that kind of crap!!!!! dangerous NGA! GAAAAADDD.... what a way to end a super day.

the highs and lows of a sunday in september (part 1)

yesterday was one sunday for the books. not only was it probably the best sunday i have ever had, it was also the most jam packed, comprising of ALL the stuff that i would consider as fun!

it all started with dress up (of course). ever since coming back from dubai, i have been having a love affair with clothes. not saying that i'm striving for carry bradshaw levels but just that now, i'm actually having more fun getting dressed. bro and i are scheduled to go to a walking tour this morning of intramuros so i opted to go for a nice thin, retro-esque leaf green polo shirt i got from a store the other day (no plug-ins here i'm afraid, unless i get paid! hehehe), my faded pale grey jeans, my hounds tooth canvas belt, and my chucks. to accessories, my trusty aviators :)

the week prior, kuya booked us on a walking tour by eccentric historian, carlo celdran, on the historic city of intramuros. i have been hearing and reading of his tours for so long but just never got to actually consider going, particularly because i have been to intramuros countless times, and also, i have yet to find someone who would like to go on it with. going with kuya, being the urbanite that he is, well, just never came into mind. that was, until he invited me instead! of course being the history buff that i am, i was elated!!!!

I LOVE INTRAMUROS. i cannot say it enough. i may not be rich enuf to fly off to europe, to prague, london, cordova, salamanca, valencia, venice, milan, rome and paris, but i can always drive myself to intramuros. with a little imagination, it's almost as good.

carlo celdran and the tour was just as i had expected. it did not disappoint. not only was celdran able to summarize 400 years of colonial history into a 3 hour tour, he was able to do it without loosing ur attention. no long boring lecture about facts and figures here, he was in every way captivating. with his costume changes, voice overs and props, he was able to dramatize every single significant event in our history that somehow explains who we are as a people. his passion for the nation's past, as well as it's heritage is intoxicating. true, his appoach may be unconventional but it was definitely in every way effective. listening to him was like taking a whiff of fresh air. my love for history was validated. i especially enjoyed seeing how the foreigners in the tour reacted to him. celdran painted a beautiful picture for them to behold and see our country in a way few (even the locals) ever see. i believe, as long as there are people like celdran who teach about and love this country with the same fire in their bellies, then there is still hope for us all. hope that one day, we all will love this place as we should and start to actually take care of it... as we should.


after the tour, kuya and i headed to have lunch at this charming art deco house along the malacanan palace compound called la cocina de tita moning. this used to be the ancestral home of the legarda family that the current generations decided to turn into a museum cum restaurant. they dont accept walk ins except for those who join celdran's tours. to dine here, one usually has to book in advance and select their menu online (very advanced i have to say for such an ancient looking house).

the house was charming to say the least and was very well preserved. there were moments where in things got a bit creepy but then, its typical of all old houses. basing on its decor, u can tell that the legardas were very affluent. nothing drives the point in more than the huge hidlago painting, as well as the luna, that hangs on their living room wall.

our lunch was short of divine as well as sinfully gluttonous. o my goodness, by the time desert was served, i was near splitting in two. just to give u guys an idea of what we ate, we had....
onion soup and gambas al ajillo (prawns swimming in roasted garlic olive oil and salsa) for starters. we then had grilled eggplant salad, lengua cooked in white wine, paella valencia and sauteed fresh ubod as our entree. desert comprised of a fruit platter with cheese assortment and rice pudding, flambed bananas with rosemary chocolate sauce. i swear, having the coffee after was laboreous!!!! i was sooooo stuffed i wanted to cry. kuya didnt even bother touching the desert. he just took a pic of it for posterity :)

after managing to pry ourselves off our chairs and back into the car and vowing to NEVER eat like that again, it was imperative that we walk off our stomachs. the mall was the obvious choice. off we went to our weekly haunt!

being with the bigwigs

after almost 3 hours of figuring out what to wear, i finally decided to go for a black collared shirt, a pair of chinos with a fine hound's tooth print, my white patent leather shoes and a white belt. i loaded my laptop, readied my gear and went to bed. i woke up exceptionally early this morning. paced around a bit, checked my gear and did my morning rituals. 715... time to leave.

i got to libis at exactly 845am. went to coffee bean, our designated place of meeting. was greeted at the door by a cute barista who reminded me of a guy i once dated. incidentally, their names rhymed. curiously, i think he too is "ehem". but that's not really the point of this story. made my order at the counter, their largest americano. cute barista attended. i took my seat at a cozy corner and texted my partner that i have already arrived. she texted back that she was a few minutes away. barista made his way to my table and gave me my order. gave him a smile and my warmest thank you. noticed that apart from me, none of the other customers were served at their tables (interesting...) a few minutes later, my partner arrived and we started to discuss work. the air was casual which ironically, made me a bit worried. technically, i like a heightened state of anxiety prior to a presentation as it keeps me sharp, but since we were so efficient with this proposal, we never really got to a point where we were rushing for time.

915. we printed out our contract and continued to discuss the details of the proposal. decided to go to the loo and asked cute barista where it was. he directed me to the carpark... sadly, it was still closed. noticed that as i walked back in coffee shop that he was watching me the entire time, asking me the moment i entered the door if i found the loo. how nice. told him it was still closed. he suggested the upper level. told him it wasn't urgent and i cud wait. i made my way back to my partner.

930, we received a message from our clients that they will be a few minutes late. no biggie, more time for us to get comfortable. again, the casual air was unerving. 945, our client finally arrived. surprise surprise, she brought higher management in tow. "we're dead!" my partner said under her breath. we were introduced to the dad and the mom of my client. dad sat in front of me while mom in front of my partner. despite their friendly demeanor, you know that these are people who know their stuff and basing from how they asked their questions and how they scrutinized our design, that they know their stuff really well. the presentation went well as far as i'm concerned. i believe we were able to address all their issues and they all seemed quite pleased at our proposal. there were a few revisions to the design but generally, i think we have it in the bag.

our client then asked if we could go see the site of project 2, which we will be proposing for, also in the area. we left coffee bean and walked to the new mall being built around the corner. cute barista followed us with his gaze from behind his station.

we arrived on site and were greeted by the site supervisor and coincidentally, the property developer was also there. we had the usual introductions and shook each others hands. it then struck me like a pile of bricks.... i, little boy from the ghettos, was now in the midst of giants.... businessmen and women, the movers and shakers who represent the country's largest and biggest industries.... what was i in the scheme of things i wondered? for a brief moment, i felt like a pauper in the midst of royalty.... insignificant. but then, i realized i have shaken hands with more powerful people before and felt nothing, not even the least intimidated. so as quickly as it came, i regained my composure and resumed to do my job.

after the site visit, i even managed to engage in a casual chit chat with one of my clients regarding how business is going. despite its brevity, the talk was rather enlightening. oh my goodness, what a thrill it would be if all this comes to reality.... doing projects and designing for these people. i can just imagine what i'll be able to learn!!!

keeping my fingers crossed.

takeshi... eesdatchu?!

what is up these past few days i wonder? not really complaining but seems that my slightly pink angel has been working it! so much has happened in the past few days that i am starting to wonder if i shud brace myself for something BIG coming my way....

i met up with an online friend last night, a spur of the moment thing since i was already on my way home after a long day. as i was in my car ready to back out of my parking space, i got an SMS from him asking he we could meet up for dinner. he said he was having a horrid day and really needed someone to talk to. i already turned him down once before when he asked to meet up and thought, what kind of a friend (underline FRIEND) would i be if i do so again, more so now that he's practically just asking for company. brushing aside my guitly conscience of having to miss gym that night to have a probably sinful dinner, i hesitantly turned my car's engine off, got out of the car and started walking to greenbelt.

the walk was quite pleasant since legaspi is most often than not deserted and the cool wind blowing from the park is always refreshing. i walked all the way to glorietta since he said he'll meet me there.

mark (who i will call him for the sake of this entry) works for a call center. short guy, moreno and quite a chatty fellow. u can tell from his countenance that he's a ball of energy with unstable tendencies. i would presume that is the very reason he is having his bad day, something just tipped him over and he's getting all worked up because of it. i found him sitting at the bottom of the escalator in the glorietta activiy center and after saying hi to him in person for the very first time, he started to tell me EVERYTHING.

i don't understand what is with me and being the seeming "ventee" of ppl. someone told me that i'm "magaang kausap" so that could be a reason... i just find it rather interesting. anyways... mark just started to talk... and talk... and talk.

we got up and started walking towards a place to dine. after we went around glorietta looking for a place, i suggested we head back to greenbelt and eat there. we finally ended up at kitchen (my fave place to have a good meal and, well, talk). as we sat and had dinner, i got to know more about mark. i got to know about the weird stuff that happens to him at work. i got to learn of his BFF who has a complusion to lick. i heard of his stories about encounters with beggars. i heard of his many past relationships. i got to learn of his highs and lows and basically everything else in between. what was supposed to have been a short meal (i preempted him that i wanted to be home early) went on for hours! not really saying i did not have a good time, i actually did. i just found it amusing how much a person can tell someone he has met for the very first time.

anyway... after dinner, i suggested we have dessert. my choice and my treat. ever since my brother and i tried it, i have been addicted to the black cherry gelato of gelatone at GB 3 and since i was already breaking my diet, i wanted to do it "right". had a sinful scoop in a sugar cone and mark tried the ferrero roche. good looooooorrrrddddd... who needs a relationship when i can have one with food, ice cream in particular. bwahahahaha! needless to say, i was enjoying every lick and suck. mark asked if we could go to the cinemas to check what movie was out. since it was raining and i didnt have an umbrella with me, i found no harm in killing more time.

no good movies tonight.... but no biggie, i was having an eye fest of a different kind anyway :) so many good looking ppl out tonight i thought. then one guy caught my attention in particular, more so since he was the one staring at me.

there i was, probably with a stupid smile on my face due to my ice cream high and watching ppl with mark when all of a sudden mark said that someone was watching me. this japanese looking guy that looked like takeshi kaneshiro was really staring at me. well, i think he was and asked mark to double check, he confirmed! he was tall with rather long shiny locks, lean looking in tight black jeans, a dark shirt, a leather jacket (fashion victim!) and a black scarf (super fashion victim!!!!). he kept glancing at us and just to really test if we were the objects of his attention, i hid behind a post. the dude purposely stretched out his neck to look!!!

ok... now i have to honestly say, part of me was tickled by the attention but a greater part of me was starting to get freaked out. i mean.... dude!!!! staring is just RUDE. what got me a bit anxious tho was when he started to move toward our direction. tho i was not looking at him, i was eyeing him from the corner of my slit for eyes, and the moment i realized he was heading our way, i immediately turned to mark and started engaging in a rather loud conversation on some topic i can no longer recall. the guy then stopped, turned around and walked towards the arcade. he sat there, still watching us. that moment, mark said he was gonna step out for 5 mins to see if the guy will make another move. i threatened him that i he does leave me, he will NEVER see me again! saying that, i decided, fuck it. i'm leaving. this is just too uncomfortable. he may look smoldering (hell, in all that gear, hes a walking sauna!) but i am in no mood to play mind games like this. we stepped out of the cinema lobby and staring japanois guy got up and went to the ticket counter and did whatever....

mark ended up walking me back to my car, a good 20 mins walk from the mall. the entire time we were talking. i was already tired then so a lot of what he said kinda just breezed over my head. i did catch a few like what buses he likes to take and how funny it was seeing claire dela fuente's face on the street. we got back to my site where i parked sometime late 9 o' clock. it took us another few minutes to bid each other farewell. we kept extending and extending with stories and odd comments about random stuff until i finally extended my hand to shake his and called it (really) a night.

sigh...

mornings...

my day didn't end so well as i had hoped last night. i really should learn to recognize red flags when i see them and keep the ball from rolling. sometimes however, i really don't know what to do.

decided to sleep it off instead. i wasn't getting any work done anyway, the bite of my current funk i guess. as i prepared to go to bed, i said a little prayer to God, asked the same questions i have been asking for the past few days. i had hoped with some persistence, i could get through and He would finally shed some light into my predicament. last nigh however, it was not yet time. He was quiet but i knew He was listening. i have always had a strange way of figuring out if my prayer is effective, meaning, if its hitting the right buttons, that is, whenever i start to pray, i get bombarded by distractions. a friend once told me that whenever we pray, u rock satan's boat and he doesn't like that, hence, he'll try everything he can to keep u from praying.

my room was quite except for the steady drone of the A/C. same old, familiar environs: my messed up bed, my messed up room, my vanity, my nightlight, my pillow, my blanket. after praying, i decided to sleep differently and have my head on the foot of the bed instead. the bed felt different from this side, so was my view of the room. i read somewhere before that there's this designer who does exactly this whenever he needs inspiration, he just does things differently. he said that when u do things differently, u see things differently as well. rather difficult for me who is a creature of habit, different can be nerve wracking sometimes.

true enuf, my "strange" slumber did not last long as i woke up on the right side of the bed. somehow, in the middle of the night i turned 180 degrees to sleep on the more familiar side. my subconscious probably could not bare the difference and hence took matter in its own hand.

i awoke to the same sounds of the neighborhood, amidst the beeps of passing cars and the voices of the squatters who live below. i could hear the faint voice of my mom while she was over the phone and the steady drone still of the a/c. good morning world... good morning Lord. the first thoughts of the day... what do You have in store for me, i wonder?

to gay or not to gay

was chatting with a friend this afternoon about the idiosyncrasies of life, something that i am finding i talk about more and more with people lately, when the topic came up about him being tired of being gay.

now isnt that a funny thought i said to myself. though i'd rather not talk about the things he said, i did however feel that there were a lot of things we had in common when it came to the frustrations of being "one of us".

to be honest, if i really had things my way, i would have wished that i wasn't gay. maybe because i believe that by being so, my life wud at least be less complicated. one less thing to worry about is what it would have given me. though i may have made myself come to terms already of what my identity would entail, i have yet to face these concerns to know if i have really have prepared myself for them or not. for now, i have experienced some and my being a novice has left me petrified whenever something "gay" wud come my way. i think if i were straight, things would have been different.

there is also the issue of my faith. again, if i were not gay, it would certainly not be an issue. but since i am, well, it definitely made things complicated. though i have no doubts that there is anything strange about being a gay christian, my view on it matter is not the most popular. obviously, coming out to my congregation will be an event for story books and legends only and talking about it to my spiritual advisers and peers is also out of the question. despite supposedly being in a loving environment, fear is still a very real part of society. fear of being rejected, fear of being treated differently. so with regards to being enlightened about being godly and queer, i guess i'd just have to settle for the little that i know and the small faith that i have that my God is a God of love and righteousness and mercy.

and then there are relationships. relationships to begin with are tricky, and i believe they are even more so when ur gay. blame it probably to not having role models to look up to, but somehow, i keep getting horror stories of how gay relationships always end up in.... heartbreak, to say the least. what is up with gay people and their seemingly difficult time of keeping a solid, stable relationship? i am sure there are social pressures at play here, and if that is the case, then how can it be helped? how can it be remedied? is there any hope for gays to actually make it right in terms of love? or is this whole gay love thing just a fictitious, delusional effort we try to convince ourselves of feeling, just so we can prove to ourselves and other that indeed, we too are normal?

if i were straight... such thoughts would be simpler to understand. but since i am not, they too are not.

nothing in my life or my upbringing would have prepared me for life as a gay man. all my years of upbringing was focused on how to live my life as a straight boy... and now, i somehow cannot help but feel slightly cheated. the skills, the tools i have, though some may still be applied, a lot however, cannot. all i can do now is learn. learn as fast as i can. not just for me to survive being who i am, but more importantly, to know who i am, really.

i guess thats what people like us are all doing. it would definitely explain a lot why we are the way we are.

eclat

been having this nagging feeling these past few days following my birthday. maybe it was caused by being sick or just that fact that i was affected by not having an eventful birthday, but still, the feeling hasn't left me yet and i am starting to get a teeny weeny bit worried.

i still havent been able to define what it is that i am feeling, only that it's one of those "what am i suppose to do now?" feelings. something to do with personal purpose and why i still haven't figured things out, or rather, why i am still looking? been working for a few years now and i would have thought that i am following my passion. following what i love to do has led me to change careers, work here, drop my job and travel abroad, live abroad, quit my job abroad, come back home and start from scratch again. yet despite all of this, how come i still dont feel as fulfilled or even a little bit satisfied. worse thing is, i am actually getting bored and considering changing careers again.

last time i changed careers, i told myself that i shud think this thru and know that after this, there is no more turning back. i told myself that the moment i shift, it would be the last time i would do so since i cannot afford to waste anymore time. and yet, here i am.... considering again. not good at all.

i sometimes look at friends and collegues who show so much passion in the things that they do. seems like they have so much focus and have figured things out to the letter. even if there are things they still havent thought of, it doesnt seem to matter coz to them, things will eventually fall into place. their lives can get hectic and chaotic and stressful but at the end of the day, they can still say they love what they do. i used to think that i was like them... i really did. i got beaten down, pushed, shoved, tormemnted, pressured, pressed, proded and everything else in between yet i was still able to rise up and say, at the end of the day, i still loved what i was doing. i could still after a horrible week pick up a pencil and draw out a spectacular carpet design and present it to my client and say "see! beautiful isn't it?", not even hinting to them a bit of the torture i just had gone through... all because i love what i was doing.

but i am starting to fear that is no longer the case now. everytime i pick up a pencil and put it to paper, i have a slight feeling of disgust, like why am i doing this? what else is there to do or to realize?

i really dont know what it is that changed. did i burn out already? or am i just going thru another phase into this weird existence of mine?

to the year that was...

my eyes opened and focused slowly on my nightstand. i reached for my phone to check for the time and saw that there were unread messages. after reading them, i slowly rolled over to my back, stretched a little and got up. i sat there at the edge of my bed for a few moments and waited for that groggy feeling to go away. i looked around at my dark room and the beam of sunlight flooding in from under my door. my reverie was broken when my phone alerted of another message. again, the message said the same thing, that i am a year older, today.

it has been an eventful year... thank you Lord, You have made me make it this far...

karir na 'to!

ikatlong araw na. ikatlong araw na at di pa rin ako gumagaling. actually, mukhang lumalala pa nga ako. mga simtomas ko, mistulang naglalaro ng tagu-taguan. mamaya andyan, mam'ya wala. minsan sasakit ang katawan, mamaya, mawawala. misan sisipunin, mamaya, mawawala. anu bah!!!! nakakaloka na 'to. pakipot pa ba pati ang sakit?

kaninang umaga, nagising ako na di pa sumisikat ang araw. nakabaon na ako sa kumot at unan ngunit, giniginaw pa rin ako. sinubukan kong patayin ang a/c. matagal na akong di natutulog na may a/c ngunit sabi ni inay kagabi, buksan ko raw dahil masmasama kung nakatapat sa akin and elektik pan. sunod naman si dutiful son diba? ayun tuloy, nilagnat naman ako. pinilit kong makatulog ulit ngunit umeksena na katawan ko, spesifikali, si tiyan. nagsimula na'ng paghihinarte ni tiyan at tuloy, napa-aga ang aking ritualeng pangumaga. salamat naman sa diyos at pagkatapos nuon ay nakahabol pa ako sa pagtulog.

medyo masama ang aking pag-gising kanina. para kasing merong nagaaway na rottweiler sa loob ng aking bituka, sabayan mo pa ang aking pagkahilo, dahil siguro sa sobrang dehydration. minabuti kong uminom muli ng 'sang dakot na mga gamot, mula sa aking mga chinese potions hangang imodium. tinunga ko silang lahat in one go, mapaigi lang ang aking pakiramdam. sasamahan dapat ako ni inay sa doktor ngunit sa aking kalagayan, mukhang aaksidentehin ata ako habang nasa byahe. bahay nalang ako, suggestion ko sa kanya. agree naman si inay. di rin ata nya gusto ma-encounter ang predicament ko, e, panikera pa naman sya.

eniweys, heto ako ngayon. nagpupumilit magtrabahao habang naka on-call ang kubeta sa aking mga bigla biglang pagbibisita. in fairness, may magandang naidulot naman ang aking pagkasakit. napansin ko, walang masepektib na pangpapayat, be it fat burner, cardio or weight training, than ang magkasakit. in no less than 3 days, parang my waist line shrunk by 3 inches at lumabas ang cuts ng aking abs!(para bang infomercial to? hahaha, but wait! there's MORE!) talk about looking at the bright side of things. yun lang nga, ayaw ko namang pumayat sa ganitong paraan, baka sa isang linggo, magmistula na akong may marasmus na taga ethiopia!

sick, down but not out

i woke up today feeling better than i did the day before. yesterday, all i could do was cover my nose as it felt like niagara falls was transplanted up my nostrils. i felt sniffling and sneezing. i had the cold and i hated every moment of it. it' just sooooo "dyahe". i would talk to my client on how retro was fashionable again and then in mid-sentence, i would pause and sniff up my impending nose drip... diba? gosh, shove up a catheter nalang and spare me the misery of humiliating myself slowly will ya?

anyway, i took my decongestants, had a warm bath and put on my warmest jammys to bed that night, hoping, praying that it would do the trick of convincing this unwelcomed bug to take a hike and leave me alone! i though it worked when i got up since i could breath easily again. my voice didnt sound hoarse or nasal and despite having morning joint pains (i'm old and dying, i know it!), i felt perfectly normal. as i was about to shout high hallelujahs, i suddenly felt a drop roll down my lip. not long after that drop began, my nose stuffed up and my tummy decided to join in the misery bandwagon as well. in no less than an hour, i was down and finding myself taking frequent visits to the toilet. why i am sharing this with you, well, just trying to spread the love honeys!!!

i really didnt want to go to work, not because of the cold but that OTHER nasty issue. but skipping today wasnt really an option. i had a schedule to keep with my client and time is of the essence. she once, casually, hinted to me how she doesnt like last minute changes in plans so i really want to get to her bad side. runs or no runs, playing hokey was out of the question. i sat extra long in the loo for peace of mind and abstained from having anything. driving was extra harrowing as you all could imagine. funny since i was joking with a friend yesterday as to what could make my sick day suckier ( i was stuff in rush hour traffic with an inoperable nose), and my friend said having diarrhea while in traffic. premonision ba ato?

my meeting with my client this morning went rather well. i was in and out of there in less that 30 mins and had her approve all my samples. i then went down to my site and had complementary physotherapy on my shoulder. well, it wasn't completely free since i also was a guinea pig for the new and very complicated machines. hehehe, the things i do for free service.

so far, my tummy had been very cooperative. vikki met up with me that noon and we had lunch together. my cold was getting worse and i really didnt want to end my day on a bad note so i asked her to indulge me and have lunch at felix, my fave resto. had great food, great kwento about her upcoming wedding, and great service (cute waiter was very attentive at our table... how nice of him). as my day came to an end, vikki and i parted and i started heading home, not after i pass by another site of a friend.

marc is this friend of mine who is opening his boutique along buendia. he wanted me to come over and take a look at his place now that its finally finished. since it was on the way home, i decided to pass by. cute is all i can say. i like the colors that he used and together with the stuff hes gonna put it, i can say that his place will definitely stand out.

left marc at around 4 and headed staright home. my head was throbbing and i felt something was was coming up. true enough, by the time i got home, i was nursing a far worse cold, diarrhea, and a 39 degree fever. im burning and freezing at the same time. im so not used of getting sick that i sometimes think, my body just lets go in one giant swoop! i cerainly hope this fever and all the mess that came with it is short lived. i cannot WORK like this!!!!!

...

found myself dozing off while driving home today. it was still early (4pm) yet it definitely felt later than that. 'twas admittedly dangerous what i was doing, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding just so i can finally end my day and get home. actually, i was trying to get an adrenaline rush to wake myself up. it however did not work as i still felt drowsy.

i manged to get home safe and took a "short nap". woke up two hours later thinking my fone was ringing. found out after that i was only a dream. horrible though since i never thought that hearing my fone ring would make me feel so awful.