it would have been most easy to simply give in, but on this rare occasion, i decided to choose the other. i really should be tired by now of staying defeated, for how long has it been since i felt genuinely happy and carefree? hmmm, too long actually. but my choice was still not towards my happiness, but rather, to my half way mark, a place i also know rather well. though not as dark as when i simmer in grim emotions, it is still not the bestest of places to be, but hey, it's a start. my emotional limbo.
kuya told me the other night that despite what i say, i find genuine worth when i wallow in tragedy. apparently, i am most myself when i am miserable. i am stronger when in pain and in anguish, more so, than when i am fine and dandy. though this time he said it was technically NOT WRONG (but still NOT RIGHT) since it was just being true to who i was, i still cannot allow myself to linger too long for my true state is very inefficient, unproductive and ineffective. hmmm, so it's ok to be myself just so i can be helpful, is i guess what he was trying to say. pardons, my state of indifference makes it hard to think since, i guess, my clarity of thought is also emotionally driven.
what he said came to me as a shock, but deep down, i could not help it but agree to what he said, even if in the surface, every fiber of my being went on revolt for how could i be so? he labeled me once already before as being "tragic", and for him to repeat himself, knowing the fact that kuya's eye for detail is as sharp as mine, i had no other option but remain silent and hold myself still, my ego convulsing, gagging on such an expose on my great weakness.
it should be enough to say that i draw strength from drama. that though i may look like a stressed-out haggard mess drowning in exclamatories about how much woe i am in, that i am still coherent, in tune, and present when under the intoxication of my emotional flares. i would like to think that when i am in those states, that i am simply shedding off the red tape in my brain and going direct to the point, the incessant ranting is only an unfortunate by product. there is some freedom experienced in my outbursts. an emancipation, i guess, from the repression i have been used to performing on a daily basis. though it may be abrasive, offensive, and down right nasty sometimes, i would like to think that that would be a price i have to pay if i needed to be really honest.
they say i am like this because i'm an ahr-teest! but i really don't associate myself with that label. i think it would be more accurate to say that i was just able to find a vent for my pent up frustrations. a vent that has proven rather effective with me. a vent that is soooo what i am not used to. after years of holding back, you really would have to expect the built up pressure pushing to get out. though i suffer cracks now to my person, i sincerely cannot help it anymore.
i originally wrote this entry, apologetic and to a degree, remorseful to what i am becoming, an uncheerful angry person. my mom said once that i had become a different man, no longer the sanguine person i used to be. i used to see the wisdom in suffering in silence like her, i still do actually. there is a place for it still in my repetoire of dealings with the world. it is just that this, my ugly side, is now also something people would have to associate with me.
i am trying my best to manage, not to lash out so indiscriminately and irresponsibly. i still have to be part of society and no one really wants to hang around a mean person. for now though, you would have to excuse me if i take a bit more time to discover this side of me. you would have to excuse me if i tell you that i have tired myself out already of showering people with bullshit.