it was supposed to be a simple dinner. a simple get together of friends over a shared meal. a simple giving-in to indulgences, like ebi tempura, and tofu and cake. a simple occasion to unwind and enjoy each other's company.
i found myself ruminating over the last few hours of my day today while my mind was half distracted from driving and avoiding the cavernous pot holes that plague a. bonifacio avenue. there was an unusual feeling that shrouded over me. it rested heavy on my chest and made it difficult for me to breath. it was the dawning of a clear and present reality. it was the surrendering of what little hope i still had left and suffering the loss of having finally nothing. i then began to feel myself slowly detaching, my emulsified soul now splintering into its members.
i am not part of that anymore, was what i realized.
i was forced out of it, to a degree.
it has been a slow process and i never really realized it, until today. until tonight.
so there i was, a witness to my own destruction. i was a spectator to it all. only a spectator. and though i so wanted to be a part of it all again, i knew in my being that now that i am here, that would never be. there is no point to go back anymore. there is no going back anymore. a gaping chasm now stands in between.