to love and lost

"... i, i love you."

in my life so far, i have only uttered this powerful phrase only twice, and on both occasions, i was broken and in tears. both occasions involved me putting higher needs over my own. both occasions saw me endure a long, slow, torturous existence where love was freely given, even with knowledge that it may never be given back.

****

she was the sparkle to my day. her name meant "genuine beauty" and truly her presence was lovely, her person almost intoxicating. i longed to be around her for she truly did make me feel whole. i accompanied her to meals, i would stay with her in her commute home, i would befriend her friends, i would try to sit near her at class, just so that i could squeeze every single moment in every God-given day to be around her, even if by a bit more. then, her boy problems began. suitor after suitor came tormenting her. she confided in me as she felt safe with me. she leaned against me and i became her staff. i did not allow myself to waver from my role despite how much i wanted to pursue, i could not at the risk of adding more suffering. i knew it was not a suitor you needed but a friend and a reliable confidant, and that was who i eventually became.

i swallowed a very bitter pill for you yet you still decided to let me go and allowed yourself to be bullied into a relationship, taking the easy way out. you however found out too late that you got yourself into a deeper mess and came back running to me. i was there, unconditionally still to support you. you got back up, and you allowed yourself to fall again. three men pursued you, three men you accepted, three men failed you, three times i had to cushion for you the blow.... until i too could no longer handle it.

i told you over the phone that i loved you but will take my bow and leave the race for i could no longer see you suffer like so. you then said your friends have been saying that i might be falling as well but you chose not to address it. you instead ignored the gestures and kept silent. you kept silent like how you were quiet when i broke my heart in front of you so that you could no longer deal with me, so that i too could finally move on. i thought you were quiet because you were overwhelmed. little did i know it was because you had a secret you did not want to divulge to me.

i was betrayed for he was in my camp and you knew how i would react, yet you still allowed it to happen. you're married to him now and are expecting. i know you are now happy with your family. i wish you well and the best. i just wished that i knew better and that i never wasted breaking my heart over you. i probably could have given him more when i met him years later.

****

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy when skies are grey.
you'll never know, dear, how much i love you. please don't take my sunshine away.

but you always knew.... how much i loved you. then i also told you, over those dark, lonely, cold marble steps that last long night as i buried my tormented face in your soft supple neck. it seared in pain, but i could not do anything about it. the heart feels what it wants to feel, i was only there to serve as it's keeper and receive its blow. you sat there and caressed my head. you felt my anguish but also knew that you could do nothing. what you did though was enough, you stayed with me. you kept me close. you kept me safe in my most vulnerable state. in an almost desperate attempt to delude myself that i could take more of you with me, i asked if you could grant me a kiss. you stared into my eyes and in all tenderness said yes. as i leaned in to claim my prize, i faltered and aimed for your cheek instead. i could not do it. i could not betray and steal what is rightfully your wife's.

i sat with you there for what seemed to be an eternity. i wrapped myself around you and tried to remember everything about you that made me want you so badly. i do not want to forget, not you, not ever. but i eventually had to let go. i felt your soft velvety skin brush against mine for the last time. i felt your lovely scent dissipate. i felt the warmth of your body fade from my person.

as we drove off after dropping you at your house that night and as i watched you and your wife that one last time from the car's mirror, i allowed my heart to break again. i had found love and love had found me, but we had found each other too late. i instead had to learn a different kind of love and had to learn it the hard way.

you were my sunshine, my only sunshine. you made me happy when skies were grey.
you'll never know dear, how much i loved you. please don't take my sunshine away.

goodbye, sunshine. thank you for loving me back. i wish i could have had you.