was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and as how all things go with me, our topic slowly veered its way to life and God.
i don't really consider myself a very religious person, neither am i that spiritual. i guess since i grew up in a christian family with my grandparents being very devout, the topic of God and how He is represented in my life always comes up. unlike other people, God to me is almost like taking about what i had for breakfast. i can talk about Him in almost palpable detail without sounding like i'm preaching... well, i hope i dont that is. having a very christian upbringing has made the topic and the person of God quite normal and "un"intimidating to me, and talking about it, i found was something that i especially enjoyed quite well.
now don't get me wrong. talking about God for me is quite different from preaching. i have had my fair experience of doing that and blame it probably in the frustrated teacher in me, i always end up sounding like i'm on a lecture. conversations often end up dry and dead and the progression to such dismal states happen at very rapid speeds. probably the reason why i dont preach so much anymore. cerebral that i am, i have found that i become more eloquent, more comfortable when i just talk about God like He is a subject that is familiar with everyone, with no pressure really of saving another's soul. jobs like that need enlightened people... not those like me who lug their baggage around.
so there we were, my friend and i, exchanging views on life and love when, as expected, i asked him about God and how he was able to reconcile his identity with his faith. since accepting my true identity, part of the acceptance process for me was to make peace with God. though not always a necessary process to some people, i felt being a christian, it should be the first thing on my list of things to do. this being the case, finding out how other ppl deal fascinated me as well.
" i don't do harm to myself and harm to other's" is usually the answer i get whenever i throw this question out. though i now feel that being gay is not really so much a moral issue as the lifestyle usually connoted to it, a lot of people still feel that the mere fact that you are means you are automatically damned. but if you really are immoral, is that really so wrong? wasn't rahab an integral part of how the israelites conquered jericho? didn't Jesus go out of his way just to see the samaritan woman? wasn't it mary magdalene the first mortal that Jesus revealed himself to, even before He ascended to the Father? i feel, moral or immoral, in the eyes of God, we are all the same, we are all in need and unlike people, God has no biases.
how i made peace was to believe that i did not choose who i am but was rather born the way i am. can you really fault me if i like blue more that red? or t-shirts more that polos, guys more than girls? God made me who i am for a reason and that is what i intend to find out. my upbringing, my experiences, my struggles, all were part of this master scheme for me to reach this point, to this realization and i am happy that i did. now i can do nothing but move forward with steps of anticipation. i believe my portion is different, and though it may seem that this will mean a more difficult path, what is God but not my eternal portion. right now, i still feel like i'm not whole. i told my friend that though i can honestly say i am now comfortable in my own skin, i still feel like there is a gap that i need to fill. my relationships with self, family and friends are all taken care of now, but that with God, well, is still in the works. a deeper consciousness tells me there is a rough patch somewhere between us and i feel it is my duty to mend the divide. God has given me so much, its the least i could do.