like peeling a bear like a banana

i never liked owing people anything, favors, more so, money. i rarely ask for them since i feel shameful whenever i do. it's as if i am ill equipped to face my situation, more so, that i am rendered impotent to help myself. i do accept help though. who wouldn't want assistance anyway, but only if it is freely offered and not asked of. maybe it's pride, but in my head, it's more me not wanting to inconvenience anyone of my troubles. more often than not, i got myself in this situation. i should, in turn, get myself out.

"when you borrow money, pay them immediately". my mom taught me that. i try to practice it whenever my memory would cooperate. then again, it fails me often as well, leaving me with a tinge of guilt when i forget to pay what i owe. in so doing, i don't borrow money anymore, and in the situations wherein i am strapped for cash, i would often find myself sacrificing (or prioritizing, as i see it) something just in order to get me by with whatever cash i still have at hand. walking home in the rain and skipping meals have not been uncommon. living within my means, was what mom calls it. (thank goodness i run marathons now and fast as well... hehehehe)

i do lend people money though, though i try not to do it regularly. despite how some people have no problems asking to be paid back, i, however do. maybe because it feels like i'm asking for a FAVOR, asking to be paid back what i'm due (crazy as it may sound). i somehow view people on the same standard as mine, wherein they too are prompt and dutiful in repaying debts and don't like the feeling of owing people anything. it also feels kind of rude, to be asked to be paid back. there seems to be no proper way of doing it without sounding like a mean landlord demanding payment for rent. this is quite unfortunate really, considering that i have the memory (ironically in this respect) of an elephant as to who owes me cash and how much they owe me. let us say, this issue has been a cause of strain for many of my social ties and having money as the cause is certainly a most sorry thing. case in example... guy from ROTC who borrowed P10 from me during one hot day, saying he will pay me back. now.... i really could have let this go, what is P10 nowadays anyways? but what i held on to was HIS WORD of paying me back. ah.... kuya told me before, money can always be earned. one's word of honor however... well, not as easy. a wise man told me once, how you treat small things, say P10, would tell you how you would treat large things as well. needless to say, i never trusted ROTC guy again. let's not even talk about other's who've mishandled BIG things.

maybe i have trust issues? could be. how else could i explain the stringent qualifications i measure people with? just one point off perfect and i tag you already. then again, am i really that strict or have people become too loose? what is so wrong about expecting people of being responsible, of being wise, of being respectful of others, of being honorable? are they really things we shouldn't aspire to anymore, we shouldn't practice? is it too much to expect of people to have these basic qualities? or are these now all defunct and that like MANY things in modern society nowadays, everything is only good if it's to one's convenience? everything can be now be changed, debated upon, reconsidered, questioned, set aside until further notice, just because their existence and the demands they impose on ours is causing us discomfort and strain.

funny where this post is leading... and to think i started this originally to rant about how it sucks to be in change of my company's payroll. i really could go on. unraveling my thoughts is fun.