i find myself waking up often now, in the middle of the night, almost like waking up from a bad dream, only without the usual panic. it feels like becoming instantly conscious, like being blessed with a stroke of lucidness, regardless of how deep my sleep was. in these moments, i chose to lay still, feel my body, my breathing, hoping the light rise and fall of my chest would lull me back again to slumber.
i try my best not to linger too long in these wakeful moments, especially when i wake up very late in the night and everything is quiet except for the steady drone of the a/c or the electric fan, should i chose to be economical that night. in the cold, still darkness of my room, i cannot help it but feel miserably alone. just the mere beginnings of the feeling will be enough to send my thoughts racing... more often that not, i would keep me awake hours later. i would fall to sleep only again after even my mind now has tired itself out. no more scenarios to ponder, no more questions to consider. i succumb to my present... and then, my alarm would ring. my day is now beginning.
there was a time i had resolved to myself that i will be ok living a life alone. it was a possibility i considered, since, i felt i should only be prepared. pessimistic as it may seem, i would rather be realistic and shield myself from the disappointment. however, as time went by and as i found myself fall for people and have people fall for me, as i felt what love can offer and what can do, i began to reconsider my resolution. i began to entertain the possibility that maybe, there is someone out there for me.
"LORD, give me a lover!" i read this often once as a tweet, a friend's call to the universe to conspire in his favor. though i may not be so overt in my now new-found wish, i do recall praying for it once. funny, in my prayer to a secretive God, i felt rather embarrassed, close to whispering in my silence communion with my Lord, inquiring if there will be a special someone in my future. i asked, if it was in accordance to His will, that He could help me feel less lonely, if it were ok that i find someone to call my own. i chose to leave the specifics to Him. i thought to myself, who was i to impose what i think is best for me. that prayer was made years ago....
i find myself thinking sometimes now, maybe, i should give up. not because that i can't find someone. surely it's not that difficult to find people nowadays... but i am beginning to loose hope in finding that right someone, that person who i wished i can call my own. i think my Lord had led me to a few possibilities in my past, pointed me here, pointed me there, but like in a lot of things He does for me, He only accompanies me so far and then leaves me to decide on my own. like the one who prayed to Him years ago, the specifics of the relationship, He left them to me to decide, maybe hoping in His heart that as i explore these possibilities and exercise my heart, that i will understand His true intentions... that my life is never really about me. my life was all about Him all along.
will there be still someone for me? maybe. God only knows. it's not so important now, however. i love irregardless of.